omoikiri 18 points 3 years ago

I went to visit nana in respite care today. The place she is is really nice and the nurses and the others there are lovely. I genuinely think it’s as nice as you can get with these kinds of things. The problem is that nana’s dementia means that she forgets why she’s there. Her short term memory is about 5 minutes long now, and every few minutes she asked me “when do I get to go home?” It broke my heart every time. She doesn’t remember what happened to put her there and she doesn’t understand. When she saw me walk into the common space she jumped up and said “you’ve come to take me home!!” It was all I could do to not cry on the spot. She’s also started reverting to being scared of my grandfather. He’s been dead for 30 years. He was a raging alcoholic and very physically and emotionally violent, but nana also gave out as much as she got back in the day and has never expressed being afraid of him before. But when I kept having to say to her “no Nan, this is your home now, remember? You’re here so that we can keep you safe” she’d just nod and go “right, to keep me safe from him he’s always so angry when he drinks.” So that’s interesting.

Anyway I took her to the pancake parlour and let her go to town and order anything she wanted and she was so stoked. She’s never as happy as she is when she’s got dessert.

I need and entire bottle of wine and a good cry now.

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6368_39162 4 points 3 years ago

🍷🍷🍷 and internet hugs if you want them

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omoikiri 2 points 3 years ago

Thank you. ❤️

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Bottom_racer 4 points 3 years ago

Big hugs to you and your nan. That's rough.

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StudChud 4 points 3 years ago

That's really difficult, I'm sorry. You go have that wine and cry, it's okay to do so 💜

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omoikiri 2 points 3 years ago

Thanks, friend ❤️

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landsharkkidd 4 points 3 years ago

Before my grandpa passed, he was in hospice care (found out later that it's actually the same one my partner's mum works at, but she wasn't his nurse) and he I think suffered dementia because of the jaw cancer. And like man, that shit hurts. And you know they're not forgetting you intentionally.

Like I remember my final goodbye and I could see him trying to connect the dots on who I am. Ugh.

I'll have to join you the good cry (luckily there's no one else here in the lunch room), it never gets easier.

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omoikiri 4 points 3 years ago

Nana, thankfully, still remembers who I am. There’s only been one instance where she didn’t know me, and it was because I showed up at her house with my sister and niece who she hadn’t seen for 5+ years and two unfamiliar faces threw her. I can’t take Mr Omoikiri with me to see her either because he came onto the scene too late for him to be in her long-term memory and she gets a bit uncomfortable around ‘strange’ men. She also comes out with some old lady racist stuff sometimes that she may have thought in the past, but had the filter to know to not say it. and while he just laughs it off, it’s best for everyone if he stays away. I’m certain the day will come when she doesn’t know me though.

I’m sorry for your loss too. It just sucks so much

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Duenan 4 points 3 years ago

Hi Onoikiri.

It must have been really hard to go through that.

I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother and she had a deep onset of dementia while relatively young that eventually took her motor functions and her voice.

On one of my earlier visits she was still somewhat lucid but had no speech and I had to explain to her why we had to put her into a home that she tried desperately to escape from.

When I last saw her she was just a husk of herself staring out into space with clenched fists not even recognising me.

It was very hard to see and I wish we had time to mend our relationship and I’m sure her dementia contributed to our fights.

Treasure the time you have spent and memories of her that you have.

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the_procrastinata 3 points 3 years ago

Dementia is really really hard to deal with. It’s heartbreaking to see and interact with someone whose memory is disappearing.

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omoikiri 3 points 3 years ago

It’s so hard. Thankfully nana is now past the point where she realises that she’s dementing. There was a while where she was really distressed because she knew she should remember how to do basic tasks and had enough of her mind still to understand what was happening to her

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danwritesbooks 3 points 3 years ago

I work at a respite home and it's such a sad place to be because you see the elderly suffering through their dementia and other memory or physical issues. It's really sad, but it's so nice you got to take her out.

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omoikiri 2 points 3 years ago

That hit me right in the gut too. This isn’t a big centre. There’s maybe 25-30 people in there all up. It’s also not a high-care one, so they’re free to roam around and do what they want and we can take them out no problem. But when I signed nana out in the log, I saw that there was maybe only 10 other instances of people taking their loved ones out. Maybe some of them can’t really go out, and maybe some family members come and sit with them instead. But for the most part it looks like they’ve just been out there and forgotten.

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