There is something honestly strange about the shape of my body (pics in post)

12 days ago by AnxiousMiisha to c/trans_joy

To prefix this, I'd like to say that I don't consider these nudes. I mean sure, they are pictures of my nude body, but I don't consider them sexual. I just want to get other people's opinions on this.

Pics here

So, there's something truly strange about the shape of my body. Like, I have ridiculously broad shoulders, very bad posture and also (IMO) a really masculine face, but I also have...hips? I guess??

It's like, during the development of my upper body, nature was like:
"Boy? Boy. Yess, boy. Big shoulders. Angular face."
And then for my lower body, it was like:
"Wait a minute...she might come to accept herself as a girl someday...screw it. Girl it is."
That's like literally what happened 😭

My body isn't feminine. Well, my breasts might be 😂. But the general shape I'd say is kinda androgynous. Like I have a decently slim waist, combined with my semi-hips makes a really interesting illusion. The illusion of a feminine silhouette. Sadly it's just a good angle and arching my back really hard, lol.

In any case, my boyfriend has a pretty good view, I'd say 🤣

I guess I'm not upset. Sure, it could've been a lot better and more feminine, but also...I feel like it could've been a lot worse. Like, I could've been a literal brick.
Am I crazy? Does this come across as arrogant? I'm really sorry, I've just been wondering about this since pre-HRT times. Now I have a platform where I actually feel safe talking about stuff like this...

So umm. Feel free to comment, criticize, roast or anything else. And...thank you, I guess? I really don't know what I'm expecting out of this. I guess I'll see.

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That_Bitch_Is_Cily 7 points 12 days ago

Hey girl, just wanted to chime in with a thought that you can feel free to take or leave. Have you considered that your inability to see your features as feminine is caused by internalized transphobia? I only say this because it was a major major hurdle for me early in my transition and I still find it pops up every now and then. I don't mean that you're being transphobic in the least. But you mentioned in your other post about you mom making comments about people getting surgeries looking weird. That type of comment is transphobic and I'm sorry that you've been subjected to that. I suspect that comments such as that, and the general way that trans fems are mocked or made caricatures of, are heavily influencing your perception of yourself. This in turn making your goals seem unattainable. I struggled for years with that and delayed transitioning because I never thought that I could live up to this idealized image of myself. And honestly, I won't. But us trans women take the already incredibly high and arbitrary standards of beauty that cis women are expected to abide by, and super charge it. So it's okay that I am not going to hit my ideal goal, because it is completely unrealistic even for cis women. I'm not going to change the size of my shoulders, but I can adorn them with beautiful flowery tattoos that help draw the eye away from the shape. I have been pleased with the progress I've made and I'm excited to see where I'll end up with time and persistence.

Now just a couple tips I have which are just based on the photos you've shared, hopefully some other folks could chime in as well. I think you have absolutely gorgeous hair so I would suggest, if you're able to get your hair styled, to add some layers and some face framing. I get majorly dysphoric about my face when I tuck my hair behind my ears as it feel like it puts my jawline and chin forward and they are a focal point. Having some face framing helps soften and round out your face.

I also love your style, it is very very similar to mine. I adored the outfit you got from vinted the other day with the gray top. Honestly no notes.

Lastly, I think attitude, confidence, and posture signal femininity way more than the specific dimensions of your shoulders or hips. No one is out here with a set of calipers taking your body measurements and judging your gender based on that. Human bodies come in a wide variety of shapes. But if you're walking around in a dress with a cute pair of flats, a purse, a few accessories, and a bad bitch attitude, it reads feminine more than your shoulders would read masculine. Or cut the neckline out of an old sweater, drop it over one shoulder with a bra strap showing, I'd bet you'd start to like the shape of your shoulders then. At least, it works for me.

Lastly lastly, I started girlmoding far away from where I lived. My wife and I would take a weekend trip where I would only pack my girl clothes, and so I had to live in them. After being out in public wearing a cute outfit around people I'd never see again, I gained the confidence to bring that to where I live. And its funny because looking back, the outfits that I wore and thought were so taboo are so tame compared to what I wear now. And now I purposefully wear outfits that are so in-your-face at family gatherings, just to smear it in the faces of a couple family members that refuse to acknowledge my transness. I'm a spiteful bitch.

I hope this helps, or at least some of it. Or maybe none of it I dunno. But regardless, I hope you acknowledge how incredible you are for even taking this journey. It is not an easy road to travel at all. There is pain, embarrassment, vulnerability, and danger at every turn. But it is still worth it. You gave yourself a chance to find your happiness and comfortability in your own skin and that is an amazing gift, because you deserve to be happy.

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AnxiousMiisha 4 points 12 days ago

Cily...thank you. I got your messages yesterday during the worst of it and they made me feel a lot better 🫂.

Have you considered that your inability to see your features as feminine is caused by internalized transphobia?

Yes. I know that's at least part of the reason. I have a ton of internalized transphobia...
I try not to let it out too much and I definitely don't direct it at other trans women...but instead I direct all of it at myself.

About my hair...on my birthday, in April, I actually did get a feminine haircut. I got curtain bangs. They look really nice, however I still tuck my hair behind my ears. And unfortunately, I have a legitimate reason for that...

I have really bad temporal recession. Not pattern baldness, but I think it's just the way my hairline naturally is (Screw you T! And...dad?? I guess?).

Keeping it behind my ears keeps my forehead from showing through my hair...which makes me dangerously dysphoric. Going outside, having the wind blow my hair away...it feels good. To have it that long...
But at the same time...my forehead sticking out of my hair...
That honestly just makes me want to cut it all off and cry myself to sleep (which wouldn't help me at all).

Having it longer only highlights this problem for me. And it's a problem I really should solve. I've only ever learned how to tie it up in a low ponytail. This uncovers more of my face and ruins even the tiniest chances of passing.

I need to learn how to put my hair up in a more feminine fashion. I'm totally falling behind...

Lastly, I think attitude, confidence, and posture signal femininity

Yess. That's also a problem I really need to solve. Confidence is NOT something I have, at all unfortunately. I know the importance of attitude and body language. It's just really hard to unlearn some things after 19 years...

Lastly lastly, I started girlmoding far away from where I lived

This is really good advice and something I've thought about a lot. When me and my bf visit Prague, where people are more liberal anyway, I pack only girl clothes and wear those. It's a really neat little trick, to girlmode in front of people you'll never see again.

Thank you. This does honestly help. You're so nice Cily 😭
Thank you for caring 🩷

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That_Bitch_Is_Cily 3 points 12 days ago

I also have curtain bangs, and I too have recession on my temples. I would love to cut my bangs shorter but i struggle with them not covering the thinner spots of my hairline. I almost never put my hair up for that reason either, even when I'm working and it's over 100°F outside.

I completely understand how insurmountable it feels to unlearn a lifetime of behaviors. I'm about twice your age but we're at similar points of our transition I believe. I'm about 8 months on hrt and have been out and presenting full time as a woman for about a year and a half. I wish that I had the presence of mind to have started when I was 19 and the grief of having missed out on my 20s as a fully actualized woman is hard to grapple with. Impossible at times. But as I've said before, I am extremely proud of where I currently am now, and what is still left to attain.

I don't say that to dismiss your feelings of falling behind or having to relearn a new set of behaviors. Instead to just exemplify that, although your situation and life is unique, we all are out here contending with very similar feelings and experiences in one way or another. And any time someone can exemplify that there is a pathway forward, that is a win for all of us.

Edit: I'm glad you got my message and that it helped. 🫂

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