If You Can't Control Yourself, Don't Be Polyamorous - Poly Land

3 years ago by punkisundead [they/them] to c/polyamory

If impulse control is your problem, polyamory is not your solution.

I dont like the text. Self control and love dont mix that well (for me). Also telling people they should not be polyamorous as if thats a choice for everybody is just not how that works for everybody.

Let me tell you, if you can’t exercise self-control, then there’s no way you should be polyamorous. All that lies down that path is pain, bad behavior, heartache, and disappointment.

Atchived Version

Pons_Aelius 21 points 3 years ago

All intimate relationships are about trust and respecting boundaries.

If you do not/can not/will not exercise self control and respect those boundaries, no relationship style will work for you.

I dont like the text. Self control and love dont mix that well (for me).

Sounds like you want to do what ever you want, when ever you want. Nothing wrong with that.

There is a name for that: Being Single

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punkisundead -12 points 3 years ago

Sorry but I dont think its reasonable to judge how I act and how I respect boundaries without knowing me like at all. I think you based your comment on lots of assumptions before even asking any question or trying to actually understand me. Feels hypocritical when you do that.

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Pons_Aelius 12 points 3 years ago

Sorry but I dont think its reasonable to judge how I act and how I respect boundaries without knowing me like at all.

Self control and love dont mix that well

I was going off your own statements. If you have no self control then you do not respect boundaries.

I think you based your comment on lots of assumptions

I did not say you had no self control and made no assumptions, you did explicitly stated it.

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punkisundead -5 points 3 years ago

If you have no self control then you do not respect boundaries.

Like who needs self control for that? Isnt it just the most basic thing to be careful and mindful with the people you love or care about?

Maybe we have different perspectives on what self control means for us, but instead of exploring that you tell me I dont respect boundaries. Seems like we will not reach an understanding.

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Septimaeus 2 points 3 years ago

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Septimaeus 8 points 3 years ago

Yeah I’m put off by this use of “self-control” because it has a “two wolves” vibe, which is always a mess. Thinking about your personal sexuality as an internal beast that must be restrained is not healthy for relationships, because it’s not healthy for you as an individual.

If your partners aren’t down with someone, the amount of self-control required to drop it is approximately zero, because you love them and no sojourn is worth their trust.

If that’s not true, or you have unmet needs or something, you absolutely should communicate, but the sanctioned-cheating arrangement people fall into isn’t poly at all. It’s just punctuated monogamy with fragmented intimacy and repression.

This author should tell their friend that poly relationships are built on trust just like any other. So if he’s not ready to build trust, he’s not ready for any relationship, poly or otherwise.

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tabular 3 points 3 years ago

I dislike the term "self control" because "you" are never in "control" - thoughts and actions are the result of prior events that made your brain the way it is. You didn't design yourself.

Still, you have to get along with others to survive - you act a certain way already. Persumably everyone can improve to get along with more people.

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