"I often sit at home and rub my carpet."

I swear to the flying spaghetti monster, the Lowes flooring associate said this to me when I was booking installation services.

“I was on my knees this entire weekend.”

Someone was describing how they’d been pulling out weeds out of their garden.

Me talking about my dad’s new truck: “This is the nicest, biggest backseat I’ve ever been in”

A group of us got into an elevator to go down a floor and the elevator went up instead. Someone said "I guess you have to go up before you can go down".

My wife's granddad was a carpenter and lost some fingers to the saw. He's also a hunter and when I asked how he can shoot without fingers she said: "a stump is enough" and I just had to