VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the church feel fresh and exciting again for youths around the world, the Roman Catholic Church announced Friday that it had added belief in a badass deity with a robotic falcon head to its existing dogmas. “Starting today, the church will officially recognize our newest god, Talontron, a 40-foot cyber falcon that shoots lasers from its eyes,” an excited Pope Francis said in an official press conference, adding that the 6-billion-year-old, all-powerful deity was also able to lay explosive eggs, blow fire from its beak, and screech at such a high frequency that it could melt human flesh. “We understand that today’s generation is less concerned with Jesus’ teachings of love and forgiveness, and far more interested in religious figures capable of picking up a car and crushing it with their talons. Also, this God is asexual, loves skincare, and is best friends with Timothée Chalamet. Ut Falcontron benedicat anima tua!” At press time, the pope also said he hoped to attract more young followers to the Catholic Church by stepping down and being succeeded by the Supreme MrBeast.

The Onion

The Onion