Catholic Church Courts Youth By Adding Badass Deity With Robotic Falcon Head

2 years ago by HootinNHollerin to c/theonion

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the church feel fresh and exciting again for youths around the world, the Roman Catholic Church announced Friday that it had added belief in a badass deity with a robotic falcon head to its existing dogmas. “Starting today, the church will officially recognize our newest god, Talontron, a 40-foot cyber falcon that shoots lasers from its eyes,” an excited Pope Francis said in an official press conference, adding that the 6-billion-year-old, all-powerful deity was also able to lay explosive eggs, blow fire from its beak, and screech at such a high frequency that it could melt human flesh. “We understand that today’s generation is less concerned with Jesus’ teachings of love and forgiveness, and far more interested in religious figures capable of picking up a car and crushing it with their talons. Also, this God is asexual, loves skincare, and is best friends with Timothée Chalamet. Ut Falcontron benedicat anima tua!” At press time, the pope also said he hoped to attract more young followers to the Catholic Church by stepping down and being succeeded by the Supreme MrBeast.

kamenlady 32 points 2 years ago

This pairs so good with this ( not an onion )

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Here's the Wiki

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HootinNHollerin 9 points 2 years ago

Oh I saw that one in my feed and thought that was the onion lol

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kamenlady 7 points 2 years ago

i had to search online to be sure

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cerement 3 points 2 years ago

unblocked: https://archive.ph/zafrE

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cerement 23 points 2 years ago

as was foretold in the sacred prophecies of Stargate

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cadekat 19 points 2 years ago

Horus Guard represent!

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tacosanonymous 21 points 2 years ago

That is hilarious. Didn’t they just make a chibi anime girl though?

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seahorse 11 points 2 years ago

Yes

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WhiskyTangoFoxtrot 6 points 2 years ago

Are her boots covered in blood?

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P1k1e 3 points 2 years ago

My friend said the same thing when she saw it, but we have since convened that it is infact the "Mud of Christ"

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Bashnagdul 9 points 2 years ago

Buddy Jesus 2.0

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shoulderoforion 6 points 2 years ago

does it sexually assault children for millennia under the churches auspices, then be ignored, and allowed to continue to exist in nations which were it any other organization, have had it's leaders imprisoned and be banned outright too?

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Pringles 10 points 2 years ago

It's a falcon head, not a policy change.

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Flax_vert 1 point 2 years ago

Sounds like the British Broadcasting Corporation

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TimLovesTech 4 points 2 years ago

Not robotic or Falcons, but Dark Crystal is what I immediately thought of from the picture.

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ensoniqthehedgehog 2 points 2 years ago

They should just swap their Jesus out for the one from the game The Inquisitor. That would be way cooler, I'd even consider going back to the church.

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