Republicans Urge Americans To Look Away From McConnell Or Else They Too Shall Freeze

3 years ago by seahorse [Ohio] to c/theonion

WASHINGTON—Following the second press conference in five weeks during which the 81-year-old was temporarily unable to speak, Republicans warned Americans Thursday to look away from Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) lest they too should freeze. “Good people! Gaze not upon the senator’s visage or you may be struck dumb…

mustardman 48 points 3 years ago

That's exactly what the Weeping Angels (or SCP-173) would want!

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DontTreadOnBigfoot 32 points 3 years ago

Looking more and more like the thing from Pan's Labyrinth every day...

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WarmSoda 18 points 3 years ago

I'm a marine biologist. It's obvious he's moulting.
Its his radical final moult, metamorphosing from an aquatic nymph to a winged adult

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DharmaCurious 9 points 3 years ago

Is that why he must consume the souls of all the children? For energy for the metamorphosis?

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WarmSoda 4 points 3 years ago

No, that's silly.
He consumes souls to power the deep machines in the darkness.

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DharmaCurious 2 points 3 years ago

Ah, I see. And who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?

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FarceMultiplier 5 points 3 years ago

He has not yet attained his final formlessness.

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killeronthecorner 3 points 3 years ago

I always thought he looked like a half filled balloon

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2scoops 26 points 3 years ago

I like to imagine that during these freezes, he’s actually having out of body experiences wherein he visits Hell, and sees the fiery fate and torments that awaits him when finally slips this mortal coil.

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Cabrio 8 points 3 years ago

It's just his handler touching base.

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Compactor9679 0 points 3 years ago

Comunicating with Biden :)

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aport 21 points 3 years ago

His entire team of staffers should be convicted on elder abuse.

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gibmiser 14 points 3 years ago

This article is written like an episode of Nightvale.

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ElBarto 13 points 3 years ago

For a second I thought The Onion had become an actual news site.

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HotsauceHurricane 11 points 3 years ago

This is a top tier onion article. Up there with the hyperbolic chamber !

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BlinkerFluid 11 points 3 years ago

"does anyone else hear a dial tone?".

the photo just does that

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RubiksIsocahedron 4 points 3 years ago

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DrPop 2 points 3 years ago

https://youtu.be/gsNaR6FRuO0?si=lh9X6bHQUX8ptlew

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