Raised ELCA Lutheran. Which is like the Sketchers of Christianity: totally functional, comfortable, but not very stylish.

Of course the Nike of Christianity has become Orthodoxy ... it's for the cool kids. Just do it. But they're tight, and narrow, and strange.

However, the finely crafted leather shoe for all occasions, which are expensive, but can be re-soled and used for decades, is Judaism. Which is a branch of Christianity, or something. It seems like fun. You go to war on its holidays. That's how it is. Everything is a symbol of a number for something ancient found beneath a tree, on a date which has interpretive value for which one can make songs which actually sound good. No offense to Christian rock bands who sound like Nickelback having a deep and moving change of heart—suddenly, passionately, unexpectedly—as if this very song they're playing right now can actually reveal it all.

Christianity is a religion of emotion, and, uh, shame and guilt, and more emotions related to feeling bad about maturation. Judaism is about being good at math, and surgery, and takes a long time to learn because its songs are often sung in a dead language, and there's all this movement, and hand stuff, and it seems very superstitious, which is comforting. Judaism has a better logo, too.