My wife's cousin is in a similar situation. She never left home or got a job or a driver's license because she was always too scared, and her mom always let that slide, since she didn't want to make her daughter scared or uncomfortable.

She thought her job was to protect her daughter from all the stresses of the world until she was ready, but failed to understand that she won't be ready until she's experienced some of those stresses in a controlled environment like most kids do when they're in their teens and their parents push them to get a job and a license.

It came from a place of kindness, but ended up being a major mistake that now both the kid and the parent are paying for.

This situation may sound ridiculous, but I've got a cousin over 40 in essentially the same position. Never worked a day in her and still lives with her parents. No one really knows what's going to happen when they pass, but no one appears willing to let her live with them. Myself included. Not that i'vd be her first choice anyway. I live half way across the country.

Again, assuming this has any basis in reality, I think it's likely that the parents have made many attempts to get the guy to change before and this is the last resort. They probably didn't wait 38 years and then one day just decided "this is it".

to cut them off cold turkey

How are you reading it that way?

Having to "beg dad for money when I want a pizza" doesn't sound like someone being coddled, it sounds like someone who's been told a thousand times to get a damn job and move out. Plus they're not even kicking OOP out immediately, they're giving them until their birthday.

I mean it is obviously fake, but still

Even worse they raised a kid with no will to fly the coop AND they rejected a intergrated multigenerational house hold.

Most cultures on earth and for most of history you lived with your family your entire life, or moved to another house hold. To start a new household was abnormal.

So you either need to raise your kid to the new standard to want to stand on their own and start their own household. Or you embrace the old and stay together and create a multigenerational household.

To do neither is objectively abuse.

No point in saving. The climate is fucked and we will unironically die in the water wars.

Yeah time to kick him out was when he was 20ish +/- 1 year. Since you get a very good idea by that point if that adult is able to take care of himself. I have 3 people in my life (2 cousins, 1 family friend). Who are in that exact situation. I knew even when they were 20 that they're not given the right skillet to ever be independent. And have no motivation to be independent on their own. Now they're all in their 30s. I always their parents talking to my parents about how to make them independent and refuse to still cut them cold turkey.

I mean parents fucked up for sure, but it's not too uncommon unfortunately. All I ever remind those parents is, I will not help someone who isn't trying to help themselves. I'm not even close to them. But 2 out of 3 have tried asking me for money.

My parents made sure to give me a will to fly the coop by making sure I couldn't fucking stand to be around them

I almost think OP's situation with 20 years of enablement is worse because it offers a persistent safety net, then rips it away

Its not "cold turkey", because hes had 15 years to work on it. If he hasn't, then it's kind of left over Turkey from last weeks thanks giving which has already been re-heated several times.

The best time to kick him out was 15 years ago. The second best time is now.

How's the state pension over there? Here in the UK its pretty good, if you have paid off your house anyway. I would be richer than I am now from working if I had a pension but no mortgage.

If you also had to pay housing then it could be kinda rough, but I have lived alright on less.

authentic and heterosexual

Is this a phrase I'm unaware of? Or what does his sexuality have to do with it?

I'd assume that he has some kind of chronic illness (or several). If he didn't at the start, he definitely developed one living like that.

While the time from child to mid twenties is definitely the parent's fault, after that point you can try every trick in the book it won't achieve a thing. Once someone masters weaponized incompetence they basically need a life or death wake-up call to do anything about it, and even then they might still not learn anything.

No one's literally impossible to reform, but many people cross a point that requires a practically impossible amount of investment to reform.

It's bad parenting alright. But I don't believe that they've never made an effort before. More likely the guy has resisted any attempt to get him to be independent.

Getting a car without a job is very difficult.

*in the US

Is it? Most people I know dont drive to their job

Yeah how are you supposed to carry it home otherwise?

I mean 20 adult years and never having a job indicates some real problems. What they are is anyones guess but you'd think they could have managed to get something in those years that could at least buy pizza and games if not a bit of rent and a beater.

The parents probably feel like they're out of options in terms of how to make him move in a positive direction and they are also running out of time as they are or reach retirement age, how can they afford themselves and him on a fixed income?

If he was 18, doing some sort of education/training, or just lost financial footing for a bit that's one thing but whatever is going on there is something else.

I'm in my 30s, back at my parents' for the umpteenth time and I hate it but goddamn am I grateful.

I'm 30 and have been back home since the start of last year, after having lived elsewhere for a decade.

Then traveled in autumn and got laid off at the start of the year in a sector (software) that's experiencing talent excess. It's basically impossible to get an interview, their reaction when I told them I'm moving back to the capital to get a bachelor of education is kind of wild. they're both like, wouldn't you like to stay a little longer?

I'm just like, guys I've been unemployed for half a year. Without any entrepreneurial ideas. I'm not about to start a company. I need to do something...

I see it. If you feel you've tried everything in your power sometimes a person needs the feeling of falling out of the nest to learn to fly

my last unemployment check just hit my account. Not even a single call back in 6 months. I’m scurred.

I know people like this. Knew a quite a few people from college who were only their parents payroll until 35. I am in my 40s and I still meet single women who are living with/off mom and dad at my age... but people generally dont' judge women for that.

Basically it was just the arbitrary age at which they felt 'adulthood' should start. For me that was basically 18, for others it was mid 30s, for some people, it's never.

And in my experience it's largely a function of how much wealth people have, like wealthier folks give their kids way more runway because they can afford to support them for longer period of time with minimal impact to themselves.

In my demo it's not living at home, it's people who spend their 20s working low-age jobs but living high-wage lifestyle due to parents paying their rent and other major expenses. And usually when they do get cut off... they transition to a high paid job via another degree, or they get married.

Also there is the issue emotional co-dependence, some parts are just totally co-dependent on their kids emotionally and don't want them to ever leave, etc.

32 here, my parents divorced which kicked me out as they sold the house in my early 20s. From friends I see some still live at home, but those that do all pay rent or help out in some way.

we don't know what his parents did or didn't do leading up to op's brief synopsis.

Me at 22. Was homeless as well. I make decent money now almost twenty years later and I still look at prices and think back when I used to dumpster dive.

I regularly tell my parents that the reason I am not like so many Americans, is that I have a supportive family. I live with my parents, but I would likely be homeless if they weren't here for me.

It sucks at 19 and isn't really fair because getting started is so much harder these days. Now imagine you were twice as old and had never tried to do anything with your life.

Is no one here going to tell me why this is fake and gay?

Given the type of person who frequents 4chan, it is likely the most heteronormative and real-ass thing ever posted in green.

my own experience is fake and gay.

Well it’s gay because OP has touched dick more than he’ll ever touch a woman.

Idk about fake though. It tracks pretty much with what I’ve known the average 4channer to be like.

Every time I see when of these stories I feel a little better that the one thing didn't fuck up in life was helping my younger brother transition from dependent child to independent adult. It's so easy to do it without breaking them but we lionize being cruel to young boys. As if cruelty is what grows them.

Letting the guy sit around doing nothing for the last 15 years was the abuse.

People which use the "age of maturity" as a excuse to be abusive to people and especially to their children are not the people you want to live with.

Wait, you guys don't have that? US I assume? Damn, does your government do anything?

Japan is probably the closest by actually having the hikikomori problem in public discourse. Most of the rest of the world they probably end up homeless.

The US used to have the Job Corps program...

There's also temp agencies. They're shit and the jobs they give you will be shit but they're pretty good at finding something for basically anyone who isn't completely unemployable. Someone whose only issues are a lack of transportation, housing, and work history would still be considered a good get by most temp agencies.

this already exists, it's called temp agency employment. no, the government doesn't run it.

baffles me how little real world experience a lot of you people have. at least every other day on here I see someone spectulate abotu this 'great thing that should exist' and it already does.

also a ton of bigger public libraries offer these types of services/classes for free. including basic computer job skills and such...

but you'd have to actually... look it up and leave your house to do any of this.

Consider construction. They have unions, apprentices don't get paid great but certainly better than minimum wage, and with some hands on experience you can go for a cert to do CAD and make real money

They're always building something, and there's a pipeline of moving from a trade into a CAD role - they tend to promote from inside due to unions, so it can be a kind of backdoor to avoid the mess of the application process right now

An engineer is an engineer, IDK what flavor you studied but I'm sure it'd give you a big leg up in getting into a CAD role

I’d rather would have done an apprenticeship some 10 years ago and would have had a steady, less paying job, than this worthless engineering degree and zero real job experience. The issue is that now the cost of living is way to high to afford living on an apprenticeship salary for a few years, which is way below minimum wage

Are you working using your engineering degree? You make it sound like you're unemployed, so how is an apprenticeship salary worse than no salary? I don't know where you're located, but here in the US, there are many trade programs at community colleges that are very affordable and that could be accessed in the evenings even if you had a different full time job. Your engineering background being applied to a trade also puts you in a position to differentiate yourself in a few years once you're independent. You should let go of what your parents want right now and start planning for your own future. What are you, about 36? It's def not too late.

Similar situation happened with my girlfriend. Her parents did nothing for her, while mine did everything for me. She's younger than me but I still rely on her to take care of certain adult tasks, like scheduling appointments and making phone calls. I have too much anxiety to do it on my own. One time I got a job at a call center to get over my fear of phone calls, and the only thing that did was make it worse. People are so much more rude when they can't see your face!

How on earth do you get to 38 and not have a job?

I'd start with making them understand that independence is good for everyone involved. Then small steps towards independence, starting with a simple part-time job. The important part here is that they see more people than just their direct family, to show them the different ways people can function in society.

If this works out, help them identify some personal goals. The hard part of being a shut-in is that you have no agency over your life, so you give up on all your goals. Once you have a little agency, you can start finding goals again. Simple ones at first: saving up some emergency funds, getting a driver's license, making a weekend trip to get out of the house for a couple nights.

Also assuming they are classic shut-ins and not caretaker-type shut-ins: learning how to take care of the household, cooking, developing skills around the house. It's low barrier to entry, they are already in the house after all.

Source: was a NEET for 5 years

Depends on how you define it. I knew a couple of guys who just grew up and did a boot camp and got programmer jobs, or took a job with their parent or friend of parents company. Also a few women, and one guy, who just married a wealthy spouse so they could continue to be moochers forever. One or two had their parents move out and give them the house while they did low-wage work.

I have never known anyone of the 'basement dweller' variety though, these are all wealthy folks from wealthy families who had tons of social connections. I met them in college/graduate school.

Also knew a couple of people who just never had a job and lived on poverty-income but from their inherited stock returns. They were into speed running games..

all he’ll need to do is get to a shelter

Famously very luxurious, accommodating, and safe places to live long term. There's never a space shortage. You get three squares a day of very tasty and nutrious faire, no questions asked. There's never any kind of Kafka-esque bureaucracy to gaining entrance, much less obligations on the people in the shelter to maintain residence. It's definitely not boring. Nobody is ever exploited. Mental health of all the residents is top notch and you never experience and physical violence or emotional abuse while there.

It won’t be pleasant.

Understatement.

If he has any documented physical health issues, then he needs to get a disability lawyer going.

"I'm broke, I have no transportation, and I'm about to be homeless"

"Have you talked to your lawyer about it?"

Most high school kids are already more influenced by their peers than their parents. Once you're an adult actual parental influence is almost nil if the child wants it to be.

You're talking about kids who wouldn't become shut-ins anyway. If you're bullied in high school and drop out at 16, the only "peer" influence is the trauma. Not that I experienced anything like that ;_;

You can blame the parents because they enabled this behavior and are actively supporting it. Its very common with drug or alcohol addiction. Just because someone is an adult does not mean they are doing everything by themselves.

I think this is a really good start here. Lemmy is mostly populated by early- to late-middle-aged men in STEM fields, so it makes sense why many of the comments are focused on asserting how much better they are at parenting than actually talking about what the main topic is, which is how do we process this kind of situation. It's true that the reality of our society means that people who are legally adults are expected and, really, forced to be responsible for themselves whether or not they are prepared even if just by merit that nobody is guaranteed the material security to take care of all their kids after that point. Many of us find a way and find more lessond of use to ourselves for having done so, so it isn't very reasonable to only focus on these parents, though they do indeed seem like bad parents.

What you and most other people here have missed is the ableism element in this. This is very possibly an autistic person, and our society is extremely hostile even to well-equipped autistic people who have a reliable support network. Everyone here seems agreed that this ought not happen, but many if not most of you have chosen to go the route of finding individualized moral liability rather than identifying how this fits into a system where anyone is in this situation against their will.

Even if the guy was merely parented poorly, or is just a lazy bum, or disabled to the point of needing this kind of care, we should always be thinking about the fact that nobody should be fearing for their life because they don't know how to get a job or take care of themselves.