I’m sorry. I’m just weak I guess.
Very tired right now. I’m sorry if this is written very chaotically. I’ll also be speaking relative to US politics here.
I am from a very, very red part of the US. Ever seen pictures of small towns with gas stations covered in comical amounts of Trump flags? That’s literally where I’m at. I honestly wouldn’t mind living in a small town if not for all of that.
My family is like that. My coworkers are like that. I lose any contact either family and possibly lose my Job if I transition or come out. My step brother had an interest in turning Catholic, and this was enough to make my mom tear up. I can’t imagine what coming out to them would be like.
I also help my parents out with my mentally handicapped brother and I fear this will further complicate things.
I know people have come out to some very hateful people. But I cannot stress enough how much I would become an absolute pariah if I did. How much hate would be aimed in my direction. Maybe the capability really is in me, and I’m just a coward.
But even if I did: I’m making what is minimum wage in some states. Not sure how much of my transition I could afford.
And what if my dysphoria is worse after the fact. What if all I’ll ever see in a man in a dress?
I’ve always envied the bodies and mannerisms of women. I present as a woman online. I practice a feminine voice in the car. I take on feminine posture behind locked doors. I browse Amazon for cute clothes but never buy them. All in all I’m just playing pretend.
I can’t do this.
you're not weak. you're in a situation just about anyone would struggle with and it's clearly not your fault. i hope you are able to keep that spark alive even if it's not safe to come out the way you'd like right now. are there subtle things you would feel comfortable doing that might make you feel more femme? before my egg cracked i grew out my hair, pierced my ears, and began painting my nails on occasion. or like nikki suggested, an undergarment might be somewhat affirming. i wish i could offer you comfort beyond a proffered virtual hug. please stay safe.
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