hang in there girl, itll be okay 🩷

if its any help, smallish towns in blue states aren't nearly as bad, and are nearly as cheap to live in (not that anywhere is "cheap" but you know). so when the time is right I imagine itll come to a breaking point, and as hard as itll be to put caretaking for your brother on your parents, the alternative is being locked in the closet during your golden years.

As for your transition, anyone can become the person they want to be :) some sports bras are always my advice for fem clothing you can wear without anyone noticing, they are so snug and feel amazing.

i wish you well, take care of yourself 🩷

I’ve always envied the bodies and mannerisms of women. I present as a woman online. I practice a feminine voice in the car. I take on feminine posture behind locked doors. I browse Amazon for cute clothes but never buy them. All in all I’m just playing pretend.

Are you doing all of that, in private, for yourself? If so it's not pretending at being a woman, it's practice. If anything you're desperately trying to stop pretending at being a man. Just because you've:

• Been socialized to be a man
• Dealt with institutions that reinforce that
• Had others force male gender on you
• Had to fight puberty

Does not mean you are a man. It means you've been socialized and conditioned as one and you're desperate to be yourself.

As for timing, it is never too late. Age will provide more barriers to deal with, but it will get better if you decide to transition. I started at 33. I know people that started in their 40's and a few older than that. When you are safe to try and transition, it's there for you.

People transition on Medicare without jobs. I promise you can at least look at estrogen or what is available through health insurance if you have any. If you're feeling particularly motivated and willing to deal with the fallout of leaving: see if you can talk to orgs like Rainbow Railroad to land somewhere that will actually give you care, like Seattle, Minneapolis, Chicago, California, Illinois, etc.

I know people have come out to some very hateful people. But I cannot stress enough how much I would become an absolute pariah if I did. How much hate would be aimed in my direction. Maybe the capability really is in me, and I’m just a coward.

This is why people say transition is brave. We are literally radicals when it comes to our identity. We truly hurt ourselves when we're hiding it, so the pain of ostracization feels like nothing compared to that.

And what if my dysphoria is worse after the fact. What if all I’ll ever see in a man in a dress?

And what if your dysphoria is better and you get to see the woman you are? I can't promise you'll be a bombshell, but I can say that looking the part, even if it's flawed, helps so so much with dysphoria. If you can get reaffirmation, even if it's from medical staff or support groups, it will also sincerely help you a lot.

All of what you are feeling is valid as fuck. Many of us have thoughts like this and you'll always have places like this to turn to for support. The brave thing, the thing that will help you, is not giving up. Even when it's scary and others think it's wrong. We don't hurt anyone when we transition. We only hurt ourselves when we don't.

you're not weak. you're in a situation just about anyone would struggle with and it's clearly not your fault. i hope you are able to keep that spark alive even if it's not safe to come out the way you'd like right now. are there subtle things you would feel comfortable doing that might make you feel more femme? before my egg cracked i grew out my hair, pierced my ears, and began painting my nails on occasion. or like nikki suggested, an undergarment might be somewhat affirming. i wish i could offer you comfort beyond a proffered virtual hug. please stay safe.

There's already a lot of good advice here. I just wanted to tell you that you are a woman, and I hope you can find peace in being yourself. Sending strength your way

I always knew I was a woman, but the thing that made me hesitate to share that with the outside world is how the world would make me suffer for it. There were multiple false starts with my transition that go back about as long as I can remember because of all the pushback I'd get in my personal life. I'd just shrink down and hide within myself.

I had my own list of fears and, honestly, a lot of them came true after I was fully out to the world. Hell, a lot of those things came true before that because people could tell I was different and took advantage of that. But for me, accepting myself meant embracing the unknown before it swallowed me up, because life was so much worse in the closet, despite everything. I'm not going to lie, there's still that lingering feeling of dread over things that might one day happen to me, but life's so much better now. I finally feel self-fulfilled; I look how I've always wanted to look; I live in a more accepting city; I have people I love and who love me; I'm not sad, hollow shell of a person anymore. You know, I have things worth fighting for now, a purpose. Maybe life's not perfect, but nothing is, and I just got sick of letting fear control my life.

It really is never too late, and not everyone's able to transition as soon as they'd like to. And you shouldn't feel guilty if you ultimately decide you need to leave your red state. Sometimes it's necessary to look out for yourself.

Not trans, not fem, but my best friend is and we live in the most conservative state in the US. Even in shitty states there are still going to be supportive and loving people who love you for you. I helped organize a mutual aid and defence network in our community because we all knew that the state wouldn't help my friends if someone wanted to do them harm.

As far as dealing with parents, thats hard even if you don't add gender into the mix. I myself haven't talked to one of my parents because they didn't agree with me being in a biracial marriage. It took me a while to realize that conditional love just wasn't worth the time and effort, if they can't love me for being my best self, or at very least respect the people I love. Then their "love" was just a tool they used to dangle in front of me to make me behave the way they wanted.

I would suggest looking for LGBTQ spaces in your area or the largest metro near you and make an excuse to visit them as often as you can manage. You will usually find at least a few people who have gone through something very similar to yourself who could lend an ear.

There's already a lot of good advice here. I just wanted to tell you that you are a woman, and I hope you can find peace in being yourself. Sending strength your way

Only you can decide what's right for you. I lost a parent and eventually had to leave my home state because I transitioned and personally I feel it was the best decision I ever made, I wouldn't be alive today had I not. I certainly spent time thinking I wasn't strong enough. But ultimately that's me, you have to make your own choices.

I'll also say that some of our foremothers had it closer to you than to me. There was an era where you were expected to move away to a different city or state to transition and build a new life there. These days there are even resources to help do that and community to help with it can be found online.

The choices you make will determine the life you live. I've found it valuable to strive to minimize my regrets, especially for things I didn't do. It seems to have worked well for my happiness. Do what you think will make you happiest with the hand you were dealt. There's nobody you need to answer to for such choices but yourself.

Best of luck no matter what choices you make sister