That's about it. So much has gone wrong in my life in the past month, it feels like nothing is right anymore. It's getting hard to even care enough to get up. I cut my hand again. I'm living with someone I feel nothing for. My body is all wrong and I can't fix it...
I'm switching between nearly deleting my account or just jumping. I've been here long enough. Stuff just won't get better.
It was foolish of me. Thinking I could ever be anything but a man. I believed it for a brief, lovely moment. But it's time to put these thoughts to rest. I'll never be anything else but a man.
Seeing lovely cis people going on with their lives while I struggle with even being me, that hurts. It hurts so much that every trip outside is torture to me. I don't know why I keep thinking that will change, it won't.
I should have done it, back then, at 16. Back then, it was already too late with what puberty had done. I shouldn't have lived past 18. And so, I'm correcting this mistake. Today will probably be my last day. About damn time...
Goodbye Lemmy! You were amazing. Patient with me, always supportive. Too bad I was such a failure to be grateful for any of it...
This is farewell.
Edit: Police was here. First time. Hmm. I guess I should start with some food, I feel awful. I think BPD is spot on, actually, but the intervals are weird. It's months and the depression phase doesn't last as long (thank god). Definitely hypomania, not mania as well. I'll get help. Thank you all, I don't even fucking deserve this much care and support 💜
Edit2: I really, honestly, truly hate myself. For starting HRT so late. For being so ugly and masculine. For being so weak...not even being able to end it, despite wanting nothing more but peace and everlasting silence. I'm not a girl. I can't be a girl. I'm an insult to all women, I'll never pass, I'm freakishly ugly, masculine and just plain fucked...I'll probably regret this, but I guess I'm alive for now.
Don't do that. We all love you here.
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