“This shirt is dry clean only. That means it’s dirty!” - Mitch Hedberg

But the other professions don’t need to defend themselves against blatant racism and abuse of power. “This is a dangerous profession, which is why we shot an unarmed black teenager 117 times.”

Seems like a good trade off. 2 years in prison < 18 years in prison. Anyway, fuck Nebraska.

I don’t even value me, no corporation gives a crap. They want you and your recurrent income.

For a meager $18000/year with copays and premiums. Murica!

Listen, someone here has to represent the hatred and greed of the megachurches. Reminder to tithe so that Kenneth Copeland can outfit his 18000 square ft tax free estate. For Jesus, of course.

Yup, I gave up my 70 hour work weeks. My 50 hour weeks grew my salary and position, then my 60 hour weeks put me in charge of massive projects, which drove me to 70 hours during a couple ERP implementations. I took a paycut overall, but now I work 40 hours.

In my day, I used to sweep for mines when I was bored. It was difficult, and I would often have to guess when I saw large numbers. Anyway, if I got stuck, i would just start playing Solitaire!

As an accountant, I assure you that I advised the stakeholder about the risks and possible outcomes of their actions first. I’m out of it now, but working for privately owned small to midsize businesses was a trip…

Might I offer you an “And so it goes…” in these trying times?

I’d love to, “but I work a 9 to 5, so I’d like to fight crime from, like, 6 to 9.”

“I bought you flours.”

Damn felinnials!

Imagine reading this in the 80s - we would have thought that Back to the Future was prophetic.

This is the scariest tool that I have used. A table saw is incredibly dangerous, but it’s predictable and proper safety protocols will keep you safe. An angle grinder with a cutoff wheel can become shrapnel in an instant…

It allows me to fly closer to his kingdom so that I alone can bring you the word of God. He informed me to start accepting bitcoin.

I took out my flip phone camera and took a picture of the screen. How do I text it to Facebook?

Good one, Dave Ooh, you're a legend, Dave

My only regret is that I have boneitus!

I prefer messiahs that don’t get crucified and killed, such beta behavior.