GATTACA

probably requiring a mini sub crewed by some more plucky billionaires!

No, in all seriousness i dont see there being a happy ending here.

I like synology NAS units with Intel chips for hosting docker containers, alongside lots of network storage. They aren't the cheapest solution but they are robust devices and i have had basically no problems since setting mine up in 2019.

Of course you can get a used dell server blade for a lot less which will be more powerful but it doesnt meet your small form factor requirement.

Try changing instance. I hopped through a few and it is working again. I think they might have blocked a few of the instances making libre unable to load content

I haven't been able to figure this out either, my dashboard is just links to my other containers with no obvious way to get at the juicy stats.