This is exactly what I would do if I rolled god like stats

Player 1's father is obviously the Warlord.

Player 2's father is also the Warlord. He killed the father in the same way Darth Vader killed Anakin Skywalker.

Player 3's mother sold their soul for the Warlord to fall in love with her.

Player 4's Father is the Warlord and Player 3's Mother. Except after they got together they settled down for a happily ever after.

It goes off but doesn't heal you because the text specifically says

The touch of your shadow-wreathed hand can siphon life force from others to heal your wounds.

Life will be fine, not sure about current life forms though.

My nephews thinks it's weird/gay.

They're good boys, they're also idiots though.

I imagine every now and again an ancient tome speaks to them only for them to roll their eyes and put it in a special chest their parents gave them.

That's Yamcha in the hole.

Honestly if you used Yamcha on the 2 Goku panels it would've worked better, on account of Yamcha looking awesome as hell at first.

The fact that it mentions others to begin with can't be ignored though.

Essentially by including that gate in the spell we understand that Self is a valid target, but if target is self then heal does not occur.

There's no need for the rest of the text to explain what has already been explained, it would be redundant.

Ok, but if I don't then how will I reasonably justify being a chaos goblin?

MIL is definitely the culprit

The Barbarian even has advantage on Dex saves!

It was Strange's fault anyway

The mere act of including "from others" is all the proof required.

If Self was valid for the Siphon effect they wouldn't have had to mention it at all, since Self is automatically included as a valid target unless otherwise stated.

Oh no, it's salt water!

I plan on being anxious until I'm dead.

You're a valid target for the spell, but the heal doesn't trigger cause the target isn't someone other than yourself.

Some kids train earlier than others. Took my kid till mid 3 to be any sort of consistent.

Just go hangout in a whale for a while. Maybe they'll give up.

Pathfinder True Res has 10 years per Caster level, and DnD stops at 200 years.

So, hope that Lich isn't too old

It's not particularly pedantic to ignore the "from others" part