I will do literally anything but finish the essay that was due two days ago

If you're perceived as a woman people tend to be friendlier and more polite towards you. My expierence with transitioning into a man is that people are generally more indifferent and cautious towards me now. I have to be a lot more mindful of coming across as "creepy" or "dangerous" than I used to be specifically with women who are strangers. I'm neither of those things, but the expectation of men being inherently threatening still prevails.

Basically people noticed the colors of Blahaj were similar to that of the trans flag. They'd take funny pictures of Blahaj in weird places. After the meme took off, IKEA made a couple of references and leaned into it, which made it even more of an icon.

I stink now. Wasn't expecting it to happen so soon (bout two and a half months low dose) Have to change my boxers more often than I used to and shower more (the horror). I smell more sour.

T made me more emotionally stable. I'm way less depressed than I used to be despite not changing much about my life. I used to wake up and the default would be sad, now I wake up and feel neutral (not in a numb antidepressant way, just in a normal way) most days. Worked way better than any antidepressant I've been on. Wasn't expecting that to happen. I've heard people say they're happier on T. Feels like I'm on default mode nowadays. Never felt that way before.

Occasionally I'll have dreams of... anger? I'll be asleep dreaming and feel angry, then when I wake up I'll be normal again.

Also I've been getting more bloated after eating or drinking anything. Apparently T can increase water retention.

I wish they'd listen to our voices instead of infantalize or demonize us. We're just people, not all bad, not all good, just like everybody else. Just happen to be trans.

Pro: faster metabolism, I can eat more

Con: faster metabolism, I have to eat more

My uncle died of pancreatic cancer last summer, and I was pretty close to him. He was like my surrogate father after my real one died when I was ten. I'd been wanting to tell him for a long time and didn't know how he'd react but eventually...I just didn't. I decided that deep down in his heart he knew that I was different and still loved me, even if I never told him and he probably wouldn't understand it fully. He was dying anyway so I figured it wouldn't do much good to tell him since he'd be gone. I'll never know what would have happened had I told him and how he'd react, but my last words to him were "I love you" and I am at peace with that. I still haven't processed his death fully, honestly. Grieving comes when it comes and sometimes it goes away for a while and comes back in full force. It shows up in strange, unrecognizable ways. I used to draw and paint a lot and I just...stopped after his death. I don't know why.

But anyway...I don't have good advice for you. You just have to accept it. Stand by a creek, let the wind blow through your hair. Have the pain in your heart, carry that weight, then get stronger and more able to carry it and let go. There's no easy answers in situations like this. Cancer sucks. I hate cancer. I wish cancer was eradicated from the face of this planet. It's gonna suck. But you'll get through it. It'll be hard. But you'll keep going and eventually it won't be quite as bad. You'll find a way to come to terms with it in your own way and when you're ready.

I really hope that Nex will get justice and that there will be an independent investigation into this because this is a load of bullshit.

Do they think we're stupid? Even if the cause of death was suicide (which we don't know for sure, because the autopsy is shady AF.) it's a known fact that getting a concussion can make people suicidal. Either way, the girls who attacked him are responsible for his death. Pouring water on someone does not justify killing them.

Cis men are heavily outnumbering even binary trans women right now...I think this leaked onto all

I was at a summer camp a while ago and there was this pre-transition trans man who was also there. Eventually as the camp progressed and everyone got to know each other better, I told some of the queer people there I was trans so they could relate to me better.

This person, I kid you not, said "Ha, I knew no one from cowboycrustation's state would have a name like cowboycrustation's name!"

I was like...wtf. My name irl isn't one of those names like fern or star that aren't common among cis people. My name is a somewhat common men's name. I literally have a cousin with the same name.

After consistently passing as a man, I noticed that women that I meet are much more guarded around me than before. I definitely have to make more of an effort to appear "safe" to strangers.

Another thing is that I can get away with previous behaviors more without as much social repercussion. Due to being neurodivergent, I've always been socially unaware of things, never really tried to be polite or say all of the socially acceptable niceties as often as expected. People used to perceive me as "rude" or a "bitch" and now I'm just "blunt" and "get to the point." When I'm not in a talkative mood I used to be "cold" and now I'm just "preoccupied."

Honestly, just existing is a part of the fight. If people know a queer person personally and see that they're human too just like them then they're a lot less likely to dehumanize them and are more likely to help protect and fight for them. It's easy to dehumanize and be cruel to a group that you've never interacted with. But if it's your neighbor, friend, or colleague then it's no longer just some abstract concept.

I'm proud of you for making this post Uni. I wish you all the best.

To everybody else, I and many other matrix regulars can vouch for her. She is legit.

Thanks, wouldn't be able to do everything without my lovely team of co-mods.

Most of my pre egg cracking symptoms started at around eleven or twelve, but I was a pretty masculine child in personality.

I greatly exaggerated having voice cracks when I was going through first puberty. It made me feel masculine.

I always spoke in the lowest possible vocal register.

I refused to shave any body hair and never even entertained the idea despite significant outside pressure to.

I rarely showered because I wanted to stink like a teenage boy. I also dreaded any puberty pains or growth that was happening. It felt like body horror.

I had so much trouble understanding pubescent girls in the media, how they were so excited to have their first period or wear their first bra. I thought everyone experienced the absolute dread that came with puberty and they were all just pretending. I was fully expecting to get a huge growth spurt one day and grow to be 6ft tall and look like Jim Morrison. It felt like someone had made a mistake and it would correct itself naturally.

I remember getting on my knees and praying to God (i didn't even believe in god, that's how desperate i felt) not to let my chest to develop at all. I remember one time I read in a news article about moms in indonesia or something would put hot rocks on their daughter's chests to prevent any breasts from growing and it was being touted as a gross human rights violation. I tried to put burning hot rocks on my chest when I was maybe thirteen or fourteen. Didn't work, unfortunately :'(

I always wanted to go shirtless all the time. My mom had to practically wrangle me into a bra. At the same time, my newly developing chest seemed wholly foreign to me. It felt like a completely separate entity that was latched onto my real body.

I never really related to any girls my age when I was growing up. Always felt like an outsider in large groups of girls. Felt like they spoke a language I couldn't understand. Of course, I always had extremely codependent intense "friendships" with one girl at time. Took me a while to realize that was me liking girls.

I watched a lot of anime around that age, and for about a week after finishing one I'd adopt the personality and mannerisms of any male character that I thought was cool. One time I barely talked for a week so I could be just like jotaro from JoJo's bizarre adventure 🤦🏼‍♂️

Despite all of this, it would take me a while to figure out that I'm trans. That was never an option for the longest time.

I love you American healthcare system thank you for making everyone broke and in debt for basic medical care and lining the hospital CEO's pockets thank you insurance companies for price gouging and lobbying Congress thank you for this 100% fair and ethical system that I'm forced to navigate 😍🥰🤗

The brainrot is storong in this one

Hey Riikka. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this shit. Just hang in there and try to keep a level head (it's really really hard, I know).

Please keep us updated. We are ALL rooting for you. Once you get to safety you can try and crowdfund some money to cover basic costs.

Trevorproject has 24/7 free crisis counseling for LGBTQ people. I highly recommend you explain your situation to a counselor on the helpline and see if they can get you to some resources.

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

This is a comprehensive list of the plans you need to make and things you need to pack when getting out of an abusive situation:

https://www.drphil.com/...

My DMs are open if you ever need to talk. Stay strong. I believe in you 💜

I see. I was guessing it meant that there would be a lot more active confrontation and resistance with the feds. That's disheartening.

It's so strange to be a young person who just became an adult to grow into this. I'm going to fight as best I can for a better tomorrow. We absolutely have to be as united as possible as a community in order to weather and fight this.

Whoops, transed my gender: