It’s about the risk profile. STD risk will never be zero, so I like to weigh the risk versus fun. Any specific guy who’s pushing back against condoms gets a “no” because pushy behavior = rapey behavior, but if the military tests monthly or something, that’s useful information.

What I don’t understand is how anyone is capable of believing that a terribly lit picture of them tugging on their wiener over the toilet is sexually appealing.

Dicks are beautiful when they’re framed with respect. There’s so much variety in size, color, shape… Grindr is a good place to go if you want art references because you’ll see how crazy different guys dicks are from each other. But so few men spend more than 5 seconds thinking about how to properly display their assets.

Once upon a time, I had an argument with a woman who was convinced that any transgender man servicing a glory hole in a men’s restroom was a rapist.

which is going to be tough in the immediate term if you need fucking for your state of mental well-being

It feels silly, but it kinda is. The doc cleared me for sex in general, but it’s kinda difficult to be like “what is the safest way for me to do the crazy masochistic sex I like?”

When the EMTs picked me up they got to see my entire “set-up” too (lots and lots of dick paintings, and “instructions” for using me). It’s such a big part of my life, it feels like I’m an athlete being benched for a season, but I can’t even kvetch about it to anyone IRL.

As someone who has a lot of casual sex, I do get worried when a guy mentions anal. It’s not the act itself that is a “red flag” but just that it’s depressingly common for it to continue coming up after that first “no.” It does take me back to the multiple times I have had a guy try the “oops wrong hole!” maneuver which occasionally does just turn into rape. It does absolutely ruin the moment/knock me out of my headspace when a guy asks during sex (especially after he’s already been told no), because it’s really scary when you are in that situation where they can just rape you.

Anal can feel good for someone with “female anatomy” but it takes more work to get there. There’s no prostate so there’s no direct sexual stimulation. Most people with vaginas don’t even orgasm from vaginal penetration! Most cis women also don’t tend to have a lot of experience with the prep work needed to have a good time/have spent time figuring out what feels good.

I personally am not a huge fan of it, despite wanting to like it. I have a couple of guys who have begged me for more than a year at this point and it’s the type of thing that I would be delighted to do if it didn’t feel so awkward and uncomfortable for me (and I literally had someone use me as an ash tray last night). I know it can be enjoyable - the only time a guy has made me orgasm by fucking me was anally - but you have to be a lot more slow and careful than many guys I’ve met seem to be capable of going. If your stereotypical dude bro can’t find a clitoris, how likely is he going to be gently figuring an asshole in the way it needs to get comfortable with it?

It is also associated with degradation/pain. Consider the popularity of subreddits like r/painal. It’s not uncommon in feminist circles to view heterosexual anal sex as nothing but a painful humiliation ritual - that there is nothing pleasurable about it and it is often painful. That works as symbolism of a lot of the problems surrounding stereotypical heterosexual sex dynamics (sex as something wanted by men and tolerated by women)

I’ll say the fact that you fuck yourself anally (and are open about it) would probably cancel out a lot of those red flags. You don’t view being penetrated anally as inherently degrading and painful, you know that it can be pleasurable if done correctly, and you know to not just jam it in! There’s a joke where a woman says she’ll do anal if she gets to top first, but there’s a lot of truth to it - it’s considered good practice in BDSM communities for tops to experience the they do to their subs first.

(Also, not telling you to creep on transgender women, but I’m sure you can find many of them do enjoy penetrative anal sex.)

The first time you try anything new, you are going to be shit at it. Why the obsession with what’s more likely than not going to be some awkward fumbling?

It’s just so weird that this is considered a pivotal event that somehow marks you. Changes something about you like a magic enchantment getting broken.

I put on some Taking Back Sunday before inviting a guy over to use me.

He finishes, it’s fine, nothing to write home about. He’s getting ready to leave, throwing away the condom, etc, and all you can hear is the music. A Decade Under the Influence comes on, so as he’s putting on his pants it gets to the chorus: “ANYONE WILL DO TONIGHT (anyone will do tonight), CLOSE YOUR EYES JUST SETTLE SETTLE.” And it just keeps repeating over and over…

Absolutely awkward as fuck and I think he blocked me after ☠️

I stick to music without lyrics nowadays - mostly vapor wave/elevator music.

Being spitroasted is the best. Grindr guys are so flaky so it’s hard to get two to show up at the same time, but when one has a bro already lined up it’s like Christmas. So much fun having them take turns on each side.

Being branded or microchipped - cold branding is apparently a thing and fairly safe/temporary, so I might try it someday.

I have quite a few fantasies that I wouldn’t survive, but sometimes I’ve thought if I was diagnosed with something terminal, getting fucked in a guillotine would be so fun.

I’m very submissive, and pleasure for me is entirely about pleasing my partner. I don’t orgasm during partnered sex, and it’s not ever something I even want.

The best sex for me is when I get into the headspace of feeling like I am an object that exists solely to provide men orgasms - when they are a little rough, when they are verbally degrading, etc. That “subspace” is very much like getting fucked up on a drug and it’s what I seek from sex. I hate receiving oral or when someone tries to play with me to attempt to give me an orgasm - I want to be a sex doll, not a person that can experience pleasure.

Porn is missing a lot of things that are necessary for good sex - how often are you seeing lube or condoms?

Beyond that - other than shallow plots, you get blow job, jack hammer vaginal, jack hammer anal. Moaning that is performative rather than out of genuine pleasure.

I think a lot of young men are mislead by porn and peers into thinking there are magical Techniques (tm) that make you a sex star, when the far more complicated reality is that you have to understand your partners body.

For example, most people enjoy receiving oral sex. You might assume that giving oral to your partner in foreplay is a good thing.However, I cannot fucking stand receiving oral and it absolutely ruins sex for me, especially when I have communicated ahead of time that I do not want it. I actually want jackhammer and blow because that ties into my own mappings of sexual pleasure. This is not what the vast majority of people want nor what culture tells us to want, but likely neither are your particular sexual desires. The best sex comes from when you connect with what they want too.

Good sex is about connecting with someone in a way such that your pleasure is tied up in making them feel pleasure but also knowing that your pleasure matters to them too. A complicated relationship ego death dance with the idea that your bodies are made to make each other cum, which is not the same as learning mechanical techniques like you would to master a claw game. This is not what porn can possibly depict or offer.

There’s a guy I’ve been hooking up with for about two years now, who I enjoy having pretty rough sex with. I’ve never seen his face - we both are masked when we meet - and I have no idea what his name is. (Which tbh is the case for most sex I have.)

I mentioned that someone had me piss for them recently, and he asked me if he could piss on me before fucking me. So I set up my towels, he came over, pissed on me, then when we moved over to my fucking pillow, he really gently and carefully cleaned his piss off me. At this point, I don’t really connect sex to intimacy much, but the way he gingerly cleaned my back - before whipping me, putting me into a headlock and pounding me into mindlessness - it was just so gentle.

It was just a weird moment - I go back and forth on whether the rough sex with strangers think is a net negative or positive on my life, whether it’s actually a form of self harm or not. But I also have found that sometimes I get to talk to these men about anarchism or art, and have really fascinating conversations that just wouldn’t happen without doing this.

4chan’s /b/ board has a thread pretty much daily for 20 years at this point, filled with pictures of black men with large penises and baiting text. (Obviously written by a white guy with a fetish, but pretending to be black with stuff like “jealous white boy?” etc. )

It’s gauche to be mentioning Emmett Till on a porn board, but you can’t divorce the obsession with black men fucking their wives/girlfriend from the fact that many black men were horrifically tortured and murdered on the accusation that someone fucked (or even whistled at) a white woman.

Another aspect is that cuckolding is more sexually transgressive than cuckqueening, in the same way that polygyny has always been more common than polyandry.

I’m less into orgasms, and more seeking a certain kind of headspace. I don’t really orgasm from penetration and I don’t like receiving oral or being played with that much. But there is a sort of psychological pleasure stage that is like a non physical orgasm, which can have different senses to it depending on the partner and the activity.

I think the last time I really got there, a guy pissed on me and then fucked me raw afterwards. Versus having two guys take turns on me hooded and tied. Degradation in the first versus just being an object in the second.

Choking is inherently dangerous.

People regularly die during choking from rough sex.

Most BDSM dungeons ban it. It is extremely extremely extremely dangerous, and it was anathema in the kink community until the past decade.

It’s started happening in the past ten years, as Internet porn is always needing to up the ante. In kink communities it was always strongly frowned on.

I’m posting this in full, because this comment thread is extremely disturbing. I am a kinky person who does absolutely extreme shit, but I don’t fuck with breath play - I watched an ex almost kill someone that way.

Jay Wiseman - The Medical Realities of Breath Control Play
(This is a copy of an essay that I have posted many times in internet newsgroups, particularly soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm. It has become my main and best-known writing on the subject. It has been very lightly edited in this 2009 update.)

Hi folks,
As many of you know, the subject of breath control play pops up here from time to time, and I often participate in the resultant threads.
I notice that I repeatedly tend to post the same basic information about the physiology of what's involved, and such "re-inventing the wheel" is unnecessary. I have therefore been working on a basic "position paper" of what's involved for some time, and here it is. Assuming that it's factually accurate (and I cordially invite informed challenge on this point), this will become my "boilerplate" statement on the matter.

Given that "any subject can be written about at any length" it has been a distinct challenge to write this article. I have tried to keep it short enough so that people will actually read it, but also make it long enough to cover what I consider are the important points. I have tried to provide relevant physiological and biochemical information, but not go so deeply into detail that the average reader would get lost. I have tried to provide basic "starting point" references for my points and concerns for those who wish to research this matter further on their own (and I certainly encourage such research), but not to provide such an exhaustive list of citations that the researcher would become overwhelmed. Hopefully, my efforts have been at least adequate. My best wishes to all.
Regards,
Jay Wiseman
Copyright issues footnote: I wrote this article with the hope that it would be widely read and distributed, and without any particular expectation of financial compensation in return for writing it. Therefore, I consent to the following uses of this essay:

1. It's fine with me if you read it.
2. It's fine with me if you send it, in unaltered form and including the foreword, in private e-mail to appropriate others.
3. It's fine with me if you post it, as mentioned in point # 2, to newsgroups, social networking sites, and closed mailing lists.
4. If you put it up on a private, no-fee-to-access, website, please put it up as mentioned in point # 2 and include a link to both the Greenery Press website and to the main page of this website.
5. I do require that you get my specific prior permission before putting this article up on a pay-to-access website, putting it in a book offered for sale, or otherwise charge for any sort of access to it.

The Medical Realities of Breath Control Play
Copyright 1997 by Jay Wiseman, author of "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction". All rights reserved.
For some time now, I have felt that the practices of suffocation and/or strangulation done in an erotic context (generically known as breath control play; more properly known as asphyxiophilia) were in fact far more dangerous than they are generally perceived to be.

As a person with years of medical education and experience, I know of no way whatsoever that either suffocation or strangulation can be done in a way that does not intrinsically put the recipient at risk of cardiac arrest. (There are also numerous additional risks; more on them later.)
Furthermore, and my biggest concern, I know of no reliable way to determine when such a cardiac arrest has become imminent.

Often the first detectable sign that an arrest is approaching is the arrest itself. Furthermore, if the recipient does arrest, the probability of resuscitating them, even with optimal CPR, is distinctly small. Thus the recipient is dead and their partner, if any, is in a very perilous legal situation. (The authorities could consider such deaths first-degree murders until proven otherwise, with the burden of such proof being on the defendant). There are also the real and major concerns of the surviving partner's own life-long remorse to having caused such a death, and the trauma to the friends and family members of both parties.

Some breath control fans say that what they do is acceptably safe because they do not take what they do up to the point of unconsciousness. I find this statement worrisome for two reasons:

(1) You can't really know when a person is about to go unconscious until they actually do so, thus it's extremely difficult to know where the actual point of unconsciousness is until you actually reach it.

(2) More importantly, unconsciousness is a symptom, not a condition in and of itself. It has numerous underlying causes ranging from simple fainting to cardiac arrest, and which of these will cause the unconsciousness cannot be known in advance.

I have discussed my concerns regarding breath control with well over a dozen SM-positive physicians, and with numerous other SM-positive health professionals, and all share my concerns. We have discussed how breath control might be done in a way that is not life-threatening, and come up blank. We have discussed how the risk might be significantly reduced, and come up blank. We have discussed how it might be determined that an arrest is imminent, and come up blank.
Indeed, so far not one (repeat, not one) single physician, nurse, paramedic, chiropractor, physiologist, or other person with substantial training in how a human body works has been willing to step forth and teach a form of breath control play that they are willing to assert is acceptably safe -- i.e., does not put the recipient at imminent, unpredictable risk of dying. I believe this fact makes a major statement.

Other "edge play" topics such as suspension bondage, electricity play, cutting, piercing, branding, enemas, water sports, and scat play can and have been taught with reasonable safety, but not breath control play. Indeed, it seems that the more somebody knows about how a human body works, the more likely they are to caution people about how dangerous breath control is, and about how little can be done to reduce the degree of risk.
In many ways, oxygen is to the human body, and particularly to the heart and brain, what oil is to a car's engine. Indeed, there's a medical adage that goes "hypoxia (becoming dangerously low on oxygen) not only stops the motor, but also wrecks the engine." Therefore, asking how one can play safely with breath control is very similar to asking how one can drive a car safely while draining it of oil.

Finally, as a CPR instructor myself, I want to caution that knowing CPR does little to make the risk of death from breath control play significantly smaller. While CPR can and should be done, understand that the probability of success is likely to be less than 10%.

I'm not going to state that breath control is something that nobody should ever do under any circumstances. I have no problem with informed, freely consenting people taking any degree of risk they wish. I am going to state that there is a great deal of ignorance regarding what actually happens to a body when it's suffocated or strangled, and that the actual degree of risk associated with these practices is far greater than most people believe.

I have noticed that, when people are educated regarding the severity and unpredictability of the risks, fewer and fewer choose to play in this area, and those who do continue tend to play less often. I also notice that, because of its severe and unpredictable risks, more and more SM party-givers are banning any form of breath control play at their events.

If you'd like to look into this matter further, here are some references to get you started: "Emergency Care in the Streets" by Nancy Caroline, M.D. (I'd recommend starting here.) "Medical Physiology" by A.C. Guyton, MD "The Pathologic Basis of Disease" by Robbins, MD "Textbook of Advanced Cardiac Life Support" by American Heart Association "The Physiology Coloring Book" by Kapit, Macey, and Meisami "Forensic Pathology" by DeMaio and Demaio "Autoerotic Fatalities" by Hazelwood "Melloni's Illustrated Medical Dictionary" by Dox, Melloni, and Eisner People with questions or comments can contact me at www.jaywiseman.com or write to me at P.O. Box 1261, Berkeley, CA 94701. Regards, Jay Wiseman

I live in an area where a guys reaction to being gawked at by another man could easily be violence. I tend to avoid checking guys out unless I’m in a place where that is acceptable (eg, gay bars/extremely progressive areas of town)

I just imagine the vast majority of straight guys would find even a small amount of male attention unwanted (admittedly lemmy seems to be the place that attracts more bi guys/straight guys more likely to be flattered than upset. But this is not the majority of men.)

Like I think what one should try to imagine is someone they find unattractive/not compatible gender wise hitting on them. Like, you’re already stressed out from work, waiting in line to get lunch and suddenly you notice this person staring at your ass. When does it start to feel wrong?

I think I’m in my prime sexually right now.

I spent several years in a monogamous relationship where most of the play involved intense pain (which I often enjoy), but didn’t give me the psychological aspects I was wanting.

Now, I have multiple regular partners that I get to explore all kinds of interesting dynamics with, as well as the ability to have encounters with new men whenever I like. Since I’ve started living alone, I get to truly be as “free use” as I want.

I think I’m probably one of the most sexually satisfied people in the world - I can have a train of 10+ men in a night or I can have one or two brutalize me for a few hours. I’m lucky in that being a passive fuckdoll in the way I like is a very easy sell.

I didn’t sleep with the guy, the push back on condoms is a no because it’s rape-y vibes to try to argue with my boundaries. I was just curious if he was full of shit as well as being pushy.

I test regularly. Last everything test was June, but I did HIV self check in July.