Telemarketer should've been number 1.

How's Tuesday in April?

I'm at work.

What about Wednesday?

Still working

And Thursday?

Believe it or not, work.

When I think of masculine energy I sure as hell don't think of Marky Z.

They don't know that I'm invisible.

Wow, that computer can run Windows 98? Here I am on Windows 11, not realizing that I'm 87 versions behind.

"There are people worse off than you"

Thanks, that totally solves my problem.

LVII percent of people are morons.

Airports work like this. You arrive two hours before takeoff only to find out like half an hour before takeoff that the flight is delayed because there's no plane.

Well no, she can't buy Kanye. He's not a Supreme Court Justice.

Considering we've had more than one school shooting where the heavily trained and armed resource officers stood down while children were being slaughtered, I don't think the sign on the right would make me feel any safer.

Radcliffe: played Weird Al

Wilson: did not play Weird Al

There was always a clear winner.

Do I have to tip HR?

Almost helped an old lady across the street, but then she said "I need about tree fitty" and that's when I realized that this old lady was 10 stories tall and a crustacean from the Paleozoic Era.

Why doesn't Hagrid, who is the largest of the characters, simply eat Voldemort?

They couldn't even get 12 women to pose.

Digital billboards. It's annoying that they have to cram more ads on the side of the road, but the worst part is that they're too damn bright and can be blinding at night and it feels like they make driving more dangerous because of this.

The McDonald's Monopoly promotions

Also, the Devil accepted defeat despite the fact that there were no judges to determine the winner.

I once had a group chat that got leaked. There's a possibility that it may have involved some light treason.

If you wanted The Police to find you you'd write Sting sucks instead.