I'm not ok

3 years ago by throwaways to c/chat

I tried writing a post explaining why, but it's just too much, and too many personal details and having to explain things going years back, it's just to much.
Very very long story short I'm disabled, about to get evicted, and can't find a suitable place to live and not mentally strong enough to live somewhere unsuitable again becuse it almost killed me the last times I had to. But ike I say, there is a lot more to it that makes it too big a mess to explain.

And I only have a couple of people supporting me and they're not available and I'm spiralling in to the dark places where this is all heading, and I figured I'd shout in to the void and see if anyone answers back.

LegionElite 4 points 3 years ago

I certainly hope the very best outcome for you. I do understand that pressure though. I was homeless most of my adult life and it nearly killed me... infact, I'm still recovering and all that time on the streets with all that crazy stress has definitely helped keep me stuck currently from moving forward as I wish to.

There's really no advice or comfort I know to offer that would be a viable solution. Especially how the world is rapidly changing it seems for the worst. I'm really sorry you have to face this horrible reality. I too feel I wouldn't be able to go through what I just came up out of again.

I suppose all you can do is what you can do and that's about it unless there's people who are willing to help with the things you can't fix right now.

Good luck buddy! I hope it all works out for you!

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throwaways 3 points 3 years ago

I suppose all you can do is what you can do and that’s about it

this really hit me like a punch in the stomach. I'm so limited by what I am and am not able to do, but I'm trying my fucking hardest just not to sink every day and not give up hope, but things are coming to a head now and the hope is getting smaller and smaller and however this end I don't come out unscathed, I'm already deep in PTSD land and this is pulling up so much shit from the past, and in any case there's at least one move ahead of me which in itself is a traumatic and exhausting experience even if it goes smoothly, and just liike you say, you never get the chance to deal with the trauma before more starts, and this cycle is just so fucking vicious.

I appreciate the validation, it helps to know this shit is damaging for real and I'm not just some oversensitive brat like I feel.

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LegionElite 2 points 3 years ago

Yeah... my situation is not all that wonderful either. I suffer from cptsd among other health problems and it wouldn't take much of anything to hurt my circumstances even more.

Not sure about you but all I have left is my faith and I've gotten to the point to where either imma be alright and make it or imma end up in a hole somewhere. At this point in my life, I really don't care which way it goes. I only care about being at peace with myself and others that are closest to me. Everything else can kick rocks! Been through enough!

We can only be the best we can be and we can't undo what others have done in which has created obstacles in getting the help and things we actually need to sustain life.

Again, I'm really sorry you're hurting, I totally understand the frustration! Keep being who you are and try your best to be at peace with yourself because no matter the struggle and no matter our past failures, going through times like this, we just have to do our best to stay as grounded as possible.

Who knows, perhaps this thing you're going through may "Suddenly" change or devolve. Hard to say really when you're so used to getting tough unwanted results no matter how hard you try so I get it.

Be safe out in the wilderness and take care of yourself to your best ability. I'm very sorry you're struggling so badly right now.

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throwaways 3 points 3 years ago

It really fucking sucks, doesn't it.

Faith has never been a strong point of mine (I have this reflexive "cling to hope to remain alive" thing going on, but when I actively think about it I don't see wher I'm getting that from), but I do have a pet I love that gets me up in the morning, but in recent times even that relationship has been tested as my mental health declines and I have made several attempts unrelated to the housing situation, so yeah, all it would take is slight breeze to push me over the edge and I'm staring at a storm rolling in.

I really do appreciate the sympathetic ear, it's much easier to discuss these things with strangers, and especially strangers who have been through similar things. Those on the outside of the world of trauma and mental and other illness just don't understand, and the constant having to justify myself and my actions and my choices on top of everything else just takes so much more energy, but it's just part of this world where you have to prove your "worth" and suck up to those with the means for survival to get limited access to them at massive cost. The deeper I think about it the angrier I get, which for a while is a good bit of dissociation because big picture is less personal than little picture, but then shit hits the fan and there's nowhere to hide and I can't see a way out.

I hate so much that I'm right back in this place, I just want to exist in peace somewhere, not have to go through hell (and so far, back) just to.. what? have to do it again in a couple of years? It's exhausting.

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LegionElite 2 points 3 years ago

We're still all very much connected with the whole grass roots thing at the end of the day. Doesn't really matter to much which side of the spectrum you're on. It's just We're not very good at acknowledging a problem a lot of times I guess but when you're dealing with delicate matters in the form of mental illness, it all seems to mean a little more by definition as people similar to you and I have to consider these things a bit more. But in any case, I don't think it's fair to say that you have more to prove as far as your worth is concerned.

I'll go far as to say that people that have a little extra to carry sometimes have bigger mental and/or spiritual muscle. It's just another way to think about it really. We have in a way been shoved off to the side often being alone to think about these things on a much deeper level. We experience pain on a whole new level and often times then not we can... IF we choose to, come to a realization that we are made a bit different and still serve a purpose. Our battles are greater in life than the average person but when we can or when we choose... we are quite useful to others based on our experiences. It feels burdensome but it is empowering at times I believe.

There's always an opportunity where we often connect better with people who are troubled and actually want to be acknowledged in certain situations where nobody else could offer anything worth-while or wholesome. To the point to where we have influence on someone who can't seem to grasp an understanding or perhaps they lost there way a little. So we all play a part somehow but it's left up to us if we can see it when everyone else had missed the mark.

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Potatomache 1 point 3 years ago

I'm sorry you're suffering right now.

Edit: I don't want to offer you empty platitudes, but I truly hope you'll be ok and I wish you the best of luck!

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throwaways 4 points 3 years ago

Thank you, and yeah sometimes things just fucking suck and there's nothing to say that'll change that, so I appreciate the no empty platitude, they don't help much do they...

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Potatomache 2 points 3 years ago

🫂🫂

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LegionElite 1 point 3 years ago

Any updates?

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throwaways 1 point 3 years ago

I'm sorry for dropping off for a bit, there were no updates and I was slowly losing it, and trying my best to focus on other things.
today though I've had a small positive update which is a viewing for a house that would really suit me and is near my supportive friends but is also a long and difficult journey away (8 hours each way by train and cab for a person who spends 22 hours a day in bed is rough) but if I get it it would really make a big difference.
I am not the only candidate though, so I don't want to get my hopes too high.
Hopefully by mid next week I will know how it went.

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LegionElite 2 points 3 years ago

Would be awesome if this works out for you. I just wanted to chime in beings it got a little quiet and wanted to know if you're alright.

You're in my thoughts daily. Just really hoping to learn that things worked out for you!

Take care my friend and keep in touch please!

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Damaskox 1 point 2 years ago

I don't think you need to spill it all out at once!

Start with something small and work with it as far as you have resources to do so.
If the small thing grows bigger quickly, just be patient and take a pause when you need one.

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