You are not alone.

It seems to me that you are having a very reasonable reaction to a difficult situation. If I was in your position, I would also feel extreme anxiety. I know nothing about you, but, from what you have shared, I would like to commend you for your anxiety. It is evidently clear from what you write that you take your responsibilities to your employer and your family very seriously. A nonchalant attitude in the face of a life-changing event like the one you are facing would belie a lack of concern for the people closest to you, who depend on you and whom you care for.

These appear to be serious matters and you are taking them seriously, even to the extent that it causes you some extreme discomfort. This is a commendable commitment to duty and to the welfare of others.

Suppose there were a magic button that could make the anxiety disappear, however it would also cause the motivation for that anxiety - say, love, duty, commitment to excellence - it would make these also disappear. You would no longer be bothered by your precarious position, but you would also become someone unconcerned with their own wellbeing and the wellbeing of those around them.

If you had such a button, would you push it?

I know exactly how you feel. Im In a very similar boat and im still trying to figure out why and exactly what it is im experiencing. A couple of good techniques I use is something called grounding where you do small things that stimulate every sense and make a mental note of exactly what the stimuli feels/smells/tastes like. for example a popsicle when you eat it focus on the how it feels cold to you, how the sweet flavor is, if its chewy or crunchy. Then do the same with touch, smell, and sound something that has a unique texture. Fidget toys are great for this but it can be something as simple as velcro youll eventually find a medium of the technique that works best for you.

When that fails for me I actually find it better to get a little exercise by taking a walk at a pace slightly higher than a stroll. I dont push myself much at all and let my body dictate when its ready for a rest. If you smoke or vape you may want to consider weaning yourself off that. Im not sure how much of a correlation it has to anxiety but for me I seem to do better when I vape lower percentages with the goal of getting to 0% nicotine. Caffeine can be a triggering substance too.

Sleep and diet is really big as well. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep and make sure that sleep is good deep sleep. If you’re getting a lot of sleep but its not good sleep do what you can to improve your sleep hygiene. A big part of that eating well not only could this be a result of a deficiency but it generally affects everything. Not just low carb or low calorie foods but also foods that satisfy your vitamin and mineral needs. Fruits and vegetables are obvious but make sure its a good spread of them not just the ones you like. Im bad at this part but I have two places near me that makes very healthy and fulfilling dishes that have tons of good vegetables in them. Lastly, dont be afraid of medication I got prescribed daily Lexapro and started out on the low dose (5mg) and only recently got upped to 10mg and also recently Klonopin for occasional use when I have times of heightened anxiety. It makes me drowsy but it has turned times where I knew id be able to barely function into fairly enjoyable times where im just a little sleepy.

Sorry if my writing is sort of all over the place ive been in a quite high anxiety mode as of late too and it really makes focusing hard as im sure you know but the big thing to keep coming back to in your mind is know this: You will be ok, it is ok. Dont worry about what others think and you are taking the right steps in asking for help, as well as going to a doctor. It is not selfish as you are genuinely in need and I hope you find peace.

I read your post. Is there anything in particular you want to chat about

Your story sounds so familiar to me! Terrible anxiety and ADHD which cause me to procrastinate, avoid, constantly cancel the day of, all that stuff. School was a nightmare, work was easier, but eventually I hit a wall. I performed well for years, a decade into working at a company the wall appeared.

I really hated myself for it. Not just the wall, my entire life. Like... I really hated myself, I can't describe up you how much I hated me, hated my behavior, hated my inability to get things done.

Get medicated for the anxiety, then deal with the rest. The amount of relief I had when I started, I wish I could describe it to you, but the best way is the most derivative, it was like a weight was lifted. I had more gas in the tank. I could deal with the underlying issues that were giving me so much trouble.

I was scared of the meds (I didn't get on a single one until my mid 30's), my psych told me that's very common with people with anxiety, anxious about everything including medication. Now I'm medicated for ADHD and anxiety and my life is the best it's ever been.

Has anyone just exited their field due to anxiety?

I used to love what I did, but over the years the field really changed.

I have enough money to leave indefiniteky, that's my silver lining to all of this. I've been scared this day would come for a decade, so I've been saving for a long time. I haven't planned to leave the field for a long time though.

I'm terrified of school again as an option. I crashed so hard before, it was years to pick up the pieces.

I'm scared if I go back to school this same anxiety will chew me up and spit me out again. I'm scared I've forgotten all the things I used to know. I'm scared that I don't know what I should study.

My wife doesn't want me to quit until I have more answers. I've been honest with her on how I'm feeling. I told her I'd stick it out until my doctor's appointment.

She is supportive, I know she's trying to keep me from jumping ship if there's a better option.

The other option is I just don't go back to school. I work on hobby projects and sell them. I've done that successfully before and it paid for my school, but it was a lot easier then than now.

The one thing I can't do is take medical leave. My boss is the type who will never get passed it. Plus, I've asked for leave in the past for mental health and got told I was "unreliable" and needed to get over it. I can't do that to myself again.

There'S always time to take a break and catch your breath. You have sick days and personal days for a reason; use those to center yourself rather than running yourself into the ground.

You said above you've previously switched jobs; use that as a baseline to know that worst case isn't crash and burn, but finding a new job (just like you've done several times before). If you're killing yourself for a big corporate position... that's a terrible reason to burn yourself out.

Refocus to something else you enjoy in life (family, friends, hobbies, whatever...). Use the CBT techniques that worked for you before. First just catch your breath, then start working back towards a better state. You did it before, you can do it again!

I don't have any additional advice to offer. There are lots of good comments already for that. But I did want to share that I also was afraid of taking meds for a long time because I'd heard horror stories (mostly on TV/in movies) of the meds making you almost catatonic, and that wasn't how I wanted to live my life. However, I've been taking anti-anxiety meds for over 10 years now, and I can confidently say that they are a huge help. I've changed doses several times, including recently adding an "as needed" med for times I know my stress/anxiety levels will rise. I recommend working with your doctor to figure out the best med/med combo for you, but for me personally, I've found a lot of success with Sertraline (generic Zoloft), although it does take about a month for dose changes to take effect, and Buspirone (generic Buspar) for my "as needed" extra.

Also, know that you are not alone, from one internet stranger to another.

I recommend being up front with the doctor. Just say right away you are nervous.

When you start to spiral, focus on things you can control rather than things you cannot. The list of chores or errands you been putting off do those. Clean. Organize. It always helps refocus and feel good. Not much but its a big help. Best wishes.