Find a form of exercise you enjoy doing for its own sake - and it doesnt need to be in the gym, in fact given that you feel you need to be perfect at something the first time, you might be better off doing something not gym based

I swim every day I can, usually get in between 10-12 km of laps a week, I also cycle to/from the pool, work, shops, in fact anything I can. Cycling instead of driving will not only improve your fitness and help lose weight, but also save money if you use a bike to get places you'd otherwise drive or take public transport. You could also do hiking or even just walking. Just going for a walk/ hike in nature is a good way to alleviate depression too (as is cycling). You may find there are hiking/ walking groups in your area, maybe even an LGBT one, that will have the bonus of giving you some socialising on top

Whatever you do, quit your side gig unless you really need the money, and quit or restrict the amount of gaming you do, commit to doing something physical instead outside if possible.

You either like going to the gym or you don't.

Do you like going to the gym? Or do you see it like a chore that you MUST do?

As the other commenter mentioned, maybe find other activities that help you stay in shape.

If you like to do things perfect, have you put yourself goals at the gym? Like increasing weight, reps, etc?

Bro I was on a similar path for much of my 30s. I was just talking today about how the pandemic made it way worse since I had nowhere to go so I just kept working. I'm going to tell you things you already know. I think seeing them written out will help:

• No more side work, okay? Pause it if you can. Quit it if you must. Do whatever it takes to get away from it.
• You want to gym? First off pick a gym like and actually want to go to. My local Equinox is super bougie, and has great showers and that's important to me. Also everyone there is a gym rat/super hot which I find motivating/enjoyable. Maybe do their group classes instead of going it alone. Bonus that you'll slowly get more social, too.
• You can't make the habit stick? Put some skin into the commitment. My sister set up twice-a-week personal training for months, and as a widow mom of 2 after her husband committed suicide, it was exactly what she needed to get back to the gym. Not because she needed to know what to do, though that helped, but because she now had a commitment to be there to meet her trainer.
• Are you sad? DOCTORS NOW. We're about the same age and this is when things can go downhill if you don't pay attention. Talk to your PCP about all of your issues and concerns. If they don't listen find someone better. Go to the dentist, dermatologist, whatever I know you've been putting off. Also yes start therapy now before you get depression. I was on that path for a while and it sucked.
• Sad and fat? I've also been there. Don't be afraid of medication. I tried wegovy, which did not work for me, but does work for many. Now I'm on TRT for almost 6 months and I feel like a new man. In addition to getting in better shape, I'm way more confident, outgoing, and "at ease". Point is: be open to medication of any kind if it's going to help treat you and make you better.
• "Needs to be perfect at something the first time?" Fuck that. Fuck it so so hard. You really buried the lede, bro. You're 40, you're too old to be thinking like a kid. If you need to overcome that mentality, start small, get lessons, and consider reading a book like "Flying Without a Net" to figure out how fucked up that is, and what to do about it. This isn't just an obstacle for the gym; it's an obstacle for social stuff and probably even work stuff. Nip this in the bud NOW. I'm sorry for being harsh here, I'm kind of triggered because this is a weakness of mine I have to consciously work to overcome every day, and it took harsh words from those around me to finally understand it.

You got this, bro. You really do. I think Lemmy has a message function, so you msg me any time. We can with on a game plan, share stories, or I can just yell at you some more. Whatever you need.

I feel you.

Things that helped me (sorry about the formatting; I’m still trying to figure that out):

1. embracing the fact that learning new things means initially sucking at them and there’s no way around that. But vulnerability in an environment in which others feel similarly is a good thing because it can make it easier to strike up a friendship.

2. if you can’t be consistent, be persistent. I’ve been working out for the past 6-7 years, with the exception of a yearlong stretch in because I had a suprapubic catheter and finding adaptive training is hard, especially in the middle of a pandemic. I eventually found one and we’ve been working together for well over two years, even though the cath came out 1.5 years ago. But the past six months have been stressful because of work. So there are weeks in which I only work out once, maybe twice. It’s not great, but it’s still better than nothing and vastly better than overtraining, which I did last year because I tried to use working out as a solution for all my stress and wound up with tennis elbow that took the rest of the year to rehab. But I’m still stronger than I was six months ago. Glacial progress is still progress!

3. there’s nothing wrong with paying for knowledge from an expert, if you can do that. Working with a trainer has been super helpful in learning more about how to move with proper form and without getting hurt. I’ve applied those lessons to other forms of exercise that I do on my own (lately, it’s been steel mace workouts). I don’t think I’d have been able to learn on my own without hurting myself if I hadn’t first learned about the importance of seemingly little things, like breathing correctly.

4. have a way to fill in the gaps in your routine. If I can’t go running because of poor air quality, I have steel maces and half a tire to pound on and I have an air bike if I’m limited to indoors activities or can’t be away from my desk for too long. If I’m injured, I have resistance bands and very light kettlebells