what are the grievances with the "male loneliness epidemic"? [close this topic maybe?]

a year ago by Mighty to c/nostupidquestions

[edit: I thank everyone for their comments and time. A lot of very interesting opinions and view points. Unfortunately also a lot of things that went away from the actual answer. So I'm thinking maybe this thread can be closed without deleting it?]

The more I hear people talk about it who aren't cis-het men, the more I hear criticism about the concept. But so far, I've only heard people say that it's stupid, that it's not a thing, that it's men's own fault etc. But I've yet to understand where that criticism comes from. I don't want to start a discussion on whether or not it's real or not. I just want to understand where the critics are coming from.

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surewhynotlem 109 points a year ago

Some is valid. Men aren't taught how to make and maintain emotionally open friendships, with men or women. It's seen as weak or weird to cry on front of your bros when you're sad. This leads to loneliness. This is real.

Some is not valid. Men claiming that they're not getting laid and it's women's fault is bullshit. Or that women have impossibly high standards and are gold diggers. It's nonsense.

The problem is that the "women hating incels" have coopted the term, and their garbage deserves to be mocked.

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FoxyFerengi 58 points a year ago

The sheer number of men who suddenly have no support in their life because their relationship has ended, that soon struggle with suicidal thoughts should really point to the first thing you said. Men and women are socialized differently as children and this is one of the most common results when we reach adulthood. It will take an enormous shift in society and ingrained values to fix that

That second point, yeah, women don't need to get married to survive now. My grandmother couldn't have her own bank account when she was a young adult, and banks would have laughed her out of town if she wanted a mortgage. My parents got married young because that was still kind of expected, especially in rural America. I haven't dated in years, because it's frustrating, and I have been able to, and lucky enough, to buy a home on my own finances. That's not high standards, it's just that I didn't need to get hitched to have financial stability

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Witchfire 13 points a year ago

The sheer number of men who suddenly have no support in their life because their relationship has ended

Do men really not have any friends? I just moved to a new country and made like 5 close friends in the first few months, so that blows my mind in a sad way

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FoxyFerengi 37 points a year ago

I'm not a cis man, but every man I've dated has had "friends", but not people they can really talk to. Like, one guy I dated had a really big social circle and they regularly had gaming events. But he didn't text or talk to anyone outside of planning and going to those events. Others had maybe one friend that they hung out with outside of work.

It is sad. And it was jarring when I was young, because I had lots of friends I could turn to on a bad day or for something more serious. It makes me so angry with "the patriarchy", because it isn't just keeping women down, it's also hurting and sometimes killing men.

I had a cat die a very painful and sad death right in the veterinarian's parking lot. I was completely devastated, but my poor boyfriend kept trying to hold back his tears because he "needed to be strong" for me. Bitch no, cry with me, that was super heavy. I'm going to carry that death with me until I die, and not just because my cat didn't deserve that. It's not fair for men to have this expectation that they need to hold back expressing emotion so they appear strong. (that particular ex also has a fear of dying, so he really needed to and should have felt free to express himself at that time)

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_spiffy 16 points a year ago

Depends. I find making new friends very difficult because I don't have many of the same interests and the rest of the people that I naturally get exposed to via my kids, wife or life. I work from home and don't have much time for social hobbies. I go to concerts sometimes but I really struggle to make conversation with strangers. I can see how someone like me would end up being lonely for a long time.

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sem 10 points a year ago

I'm having trouble making friends. There is one guy sort of near me and we do things here and there, but he and his wife are about to move. Most of my other friends live far away.

I don't have a lot in common with the people I work with, or live near, and I don't have much energy to do things outside of work. There is more that I'd say but I'm acutely aware / paranoid that some ai tool is reading all of our comments and building profiles on us. I'm trying to build a better life and find more communities where I feel welcome, but it's slow going. Maybe that explains it somewhat?

Maybe you could tell us how you made 5 close friends in a new country.

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HasturInYellow 9 points a year ago

I am the exception that proves the rule in a way. I am EXTREMELY open with my mental state and emotions. If I have known you for more than a few hours/days (or even minutes if there's a connection of some kind) I will gladly explain to you exactly how badly I crave the sweet embrace of death. How long I have felt that. Why I feel that.

Men react in strange ways to that.

Women react in what you would probably call a predictable way. They are concerned, try to ask for reasons and offer comfort.

Men are sometimes curious, but most often, they just say, "same." There isn't always discussion about it after that but I don't really meet men who have not considered suicide. It's so pervasive.

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zeropointone 3 points a year ago
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TubularTittyFrog 1 point a year ago

Nope. Not as we age. All my friends moved away, started families, or changed to the point we have nothing in common anymore.

And once you are 30+ it's really really hard to form close friendships. At best you get to form very tangential/shallow ones. I am 40 and I haven't met anyone who has become my friend for well over a decade. The last friend I formed was like when I was 32.

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