You said it so much more concisely than I could!
How good are you at spotting bad ones?
16 hours ago by LadyButterfly she/her to c/womensstuff
velma 35 points 16 hours ago
Honestly? Really, really good at it. I joke that I can practically smell when a man is a sexist asshole from a mile away.
There’s something to be said about people’s word choices, mannerisms, and general personal conduct that gives away a lot about them.
If I don’t pick it up immediately, then it’s revealed if I dare to push back on something a man says or disagree with him. Even if I’m engaging in jovial conversation with them - their attitude turns right away.
SuperNovaStar 11 points 13 hours ago
I'd like to say I can always tell but it feels like it's all of them. To the point that it's practically a miracle to find one that gives me good vibes.
Maybe there are some false positives in there but it hardly seems worth the risk, you know?
velma 20 points 13 hours ago
I can't blame anyone for feeling that way at times. I felt really similarly when I was younger.
And then I gave birth to a son. That really forced me to look at the nuances of men's struggles in a new light. Which isn't to say that I give more men a pass - I've become more militant about cutting toxic men off and calling them out. But I have new depth to my empathy for men's issues.
There's good ones out there.
SuperNovaStar 9 points 13 hours ago
Perhaps I am so harsh on them because familiarity breeds contempt. I am attracted to women and manage "not being a creep" just fine. I have a dick and have no problem respecting consent. I had testosterone coursing through my veins for the majority of my life and still managed, though not without some (admittedly painful) introspection, to unlearn much of the misogyny, racism, ableism, homophobia, xenophobia, and transphobia with which I was raised, and I didn't need estrogen to do it (although I am much happier now that my egg has cracked!)
I do not think that anti-racism, anti-fascism, and anti-sexism are much to ask. I do not think that a proactive anti-queerphobia is too much to ask. And yet it seems so hard to find! (And of course such men are never single - which isn't much of a surprise given that I see so many women settling for far less in a partner 😥) But even in terms of making friends, it's such a desert out here.
It seems like every time I meet someone male-presenting who is all these things and interested in me (as friends or otherwise), they almost always turn out to be transfem. (Which is also fine, because of course I love transfems!) But it does strike me as odd that i'm both poly and attracted to men and yet haven't been with one. I don't even really have many guy friends (and not for lack of trying)! I feel so, so bad for all the straight girlies out there, I don't know how y'all manage 😣
velma 8 points 12 hours ago
I do not think that anti-racism, anti-fascism, and anti-sexism are much to ask. I do not think that a proactive anti-queerphobia is too much to ask. And yet it seems so hard to find! (And of course such men are never single - which isn’t much of a surprise given that I see so many women settling for far less in a partner 😥) But even in terms of making friends, it’s such a desert out here.
Maybe proximity is a factor as well. I live in an area that is more left-leaning than most of my country and some of the men who live here are here because of that factor.
I ended up re-marrying a man even though I thought I would only settle down with another woman after my divorce. He's one of the most emotionally intelligent and kind people I've ever met in my life. He's not transfem, though he's incredibly open-minded about gender and sexuality and gender roles. But then I start to feel weird waxing poetically about what I find so attractive about some men here because it feels like a "not all men" kind of statement and I'm always conscious of not invalidating others' experiences.
I do not think that anti-racism, anti-fascism, and anti-sexism are much to ask.
You're 100% correct here. It's not too much to ask. And a lot of men act like we're asking for the world when we ask for this.
Beth 10 points 9 hours ago
In general I cannot tell who is genuine. People who I have thought were genuine have lied to me even when I’ve given them chances to be honest letting them know I had video footage. Lied like angels. So, I admit I have not a clue and just avoid people in general.
ZDL 7 points 2 hours ago
Outside of a couple of sizable errors, I've generally always had a good vibe sensor. Most bad people have an approach to things that gives them away if you're sufficiently cynical. The obvious things I've used:
- How do they treat service staff? This is a HUGE giveaway that most of the bad faith actors don't even realize gives them away.
- Watch their eyes when they think they're not being observed. WIndow reflections and such are great tools for this. Where are they looking at me? Are they looking at me or the cute waitress when my head's turned?
- Listen carefully when they speak. A quick calculation of what proportion of their speech is grievances over things done to them speaks volumes.
- How do they cope with disagreement? Even the best social chameleons tend to fail at this one.
- Do they even ask about me?
- Do they listen as well as speak? (And by "listen" I don't mean "wait for their turn to speak" either.)
These are some of the obvious ones. Less obvious (and harder to communicate) ones include a whole lot of body language.
Mulligrubs 6 points 9 hours ago
The bad ones are the ones bragging about how nice and good they are. 100%, every time
SarahValentine 2 points 39 minutes ago
No, it's good logic for dismissing objections to personal security and reasonable precautions. Which abusers are constantly complaining about not only women but minorities doing. Black panthers walk the streets with legal firearms, fascist jackboots descend upon them to turn it into a problem. Women want to carry mace in their purse or have single use unisex bathrooms with lockable doors, some asshole man complains about how little faith women have in him.
Don't be racist, don't be sexist, don't play shocked pikachu when oppressed demographics don't give the oppressing demographic the benefit of the doubt while they're still under oppressive conditions.
Dookieman12 1 point 2 hours ago
I know not ALL black people are violent. The issue is I don't know WHICH black people are violent.
bacon_pdp -2 points 9 hours ago
We desperately need a gender swapped version of Shallow Hal; it would make an amazing TV series.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0256380/
Looks at the monster that Kelly went on a date with. No, he definitely isn’t a good one.
womensstuff
@piefed.blahaj.zone
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Women only trans inclusive This is an inclusive community for all things women. Whether you're here for make up tips, feminism or just friendly chit chat, we've got you covered.
Rules…
- Women only… trans women are women, and transphobic or gender critical talk isn’t allowed. Anyone under the trans umbrella (e.g. non-binary, bigender, agender) is free to decide whether a women's community is a good fit for them.
- Don’t be a dick. No personal attacks, no aggression, play nice.
- Don’t hate on groups, hatefilled talk about groups is not allowed. Ever.
- No governmental politics, so no talk of Trump actions etc. We recommend Feminism@beehaw.org for that, but here is an escape from it.
- New accounts or users with few comments may have their posts removed to prevent spam and bad-faith participation.
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womensstuff
@piefed.blahaj.zone
1353
1168
3138
Women only trans inclusive This is an inclusive community for all things women. Whether you're here for make up tips, feminism or just friendly chit chat, we've got you covered.
Rules…
- Women only… trans women are women, and transphobic or gender critical talk isn’t allowed. Anyone under the trans umbrella (e.g. non-binary, bigender, agender) is free to decide whether a women's community is a good fit for them.
- Don’t be a dick. No personal attacks, no aggression, play nice.
- Don’t hate on groups, hatefilled talk about groups is not allowed. Ever.
- No governmental politics, so no talk of Trump actions etc. We recommend Feminism@beehaw.org for that, but here is an escape from it.
- New accounts or users with few comments may have their posts removed to prevent spam and bad-faith participation.
go to feed...
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