Bouts of serious self doubt and guilt?

3 years ago by oNevia to c/mtf

So I'm very new to self acceptance on being a woman. Only a week in a half in, but have been contemplating if I were trans for a few months.

My partner is supportive and wonderful but I also know how big of a change this is for her as well. I don't want to move faster than she is comfortable, but also am struggling a lot more with dysphoria since I realized who I am.

I have good days where I explore my femininity and feel a confidence in myself that I've never felt before. It's especially helpful when my wife is right there by my side. Today for example she did my makeup for me. We trimmed my eyebrows, put on foundation and mascara as well as a tinting lip balm. I couldn't stop smiling about how pretty I felt.

Other days I feel more like my old self. Stuck in my shell and shutting down. I didn't realize how dark and depressing my life felt before my acceptance. I feel almost suicidal in those moments because that was generally how I was starting to feel. Just a mountain of shame and guilt over the drastic changes I'm forcing my wife and child to deal with.

I guess I'm wondering how normal it is to feel a shift in my mental image of myself like this? Either I feel like a woman, or something makes me feel like a man and my mood plummets.

Guess I'm just looking for some extra reassurance from others like me. I've only told my therapist and wife and when I'm drowning in guilt, all I want is a hug and reassurance that things will be ok. That I will be ok.

I don't know. This is all so scary sometimes and gives me a pit in my stomach. Do I even have the courage to come out to the world? To risk my life and what I've built with my loved ones to explore this?

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lexihexi 15 points 3 years ago

Thank you for sharing your current struggles! I feel what you describe by a lot. I actively pushed back against my inner coming out for 2-3 years cause I was so afraid. And now somedays I’m really ok and other days, especially when there are social situations where I’m forced into my old shell, I feel horrible and like nothing will ever get better for me.

So, yeah I think that’s totally normal, also your fears of coming out are super understandable. I’m also afraid of a big coming out, so instead I go slow tiny steps. Wear slight makeup or very casual nail polish when I meet people who I slowly want to unlearn that I’m not the cis person they think I am (and I worked so hard to pretend to myself and everyone else I was).

Also concerning drastic changes, of course this feels like a lot, but we have always been who we are, so maybe these changes are just something to work through at whatever pace is possible right now.

To give you my timeline, I figured out I’m not cis in 2018. I actively ignored that cause it felt threatening to my live’s situs until 2021. I panicked so hard cause I did not understand gender as a spectrum and was also very convinced that medical changes are a must have. Mid 2022 I realised I’m nonbinary and somewhat genderfluid and since then I’m working on accepting myself. And only recently I felt maybe it’s not that big of a deal, cause I’m just me and it’s all gonna be ok.

I think you are on a great path to exploring yourself and I wish you all the best for it!! 💜

Feel free to ask me more questions and sorry for the wall of text.

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oNevion 5 points 3 years ago

Thank you for normalizing these feelings for me ❤️ I'm also struggling with the concept of gender being a spectrum. Although I feel more feminine than masculine, there are aspects of myself I don't necessarily want to lose. I don't know. I don't even know how far I want to transition. I think I'd be willing to do HRT, but I'm also worried about my intimacy with my wife. I hear it can change libido as well as the functionality of my penis.

I don't know. I hate feeling like I know exactly who I want to be now, but at the same time no idea how far I'm comfortable with going? Not to mention the stress it puts on my marriage and family.

Been having another really rough day today and I don't have support from anyone other than my wife who is currently too overwhelmed to be able to talk about this stuff. Which I understand.

I'm rambling. Sorry, I know you were being nice about reaching out - but I could really use a friend who has been going through this too 😕

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lexihexi 4 points 3 years ago

Hey hey! Sorry for getting back to you only after so long. And also sorry for the way too long text I wrote now. 😓 (I don’t feel bad, cause I learned that’s not so healthy, but I still wanted to say I’m sorry)

My partner was shocked but is also my biggest ally and we have slowly worked through this. Me finally coming out was quite overwhelming for both of us and made for some artificial rift. In hindsight, I think going with a coming out would have also been possible. Just slowly starting my transition in style and behaviour. Why I think this felt like an artificial rift is, because I have always been me. And my partner always new that side of me. That I can now own this and put away the masking is not that big of a change after all.

On bodily transitioning, I feel very similar. I’m anxious of my health and libido.

What I have noticed though is, that while accepting myself as is, I grew a lot better at self care. Before my inner coming out I was always masking a look and behaviour like an armour. After my inner coming out dysphoria was often overwhelming and I gave up hope for myself and didn’t take more that absolutely necessary to be ok looking for work.

It took me 5 years to figure out I can be trans and choose only the transition steps that fit me. Though I strongly felt the need to fit in as what was my understanding of being trans for the longest time.

Now I am surely still not always super happy with my body, but accepting I’m trans helped me a great deal to take good care of myself. And now my slightly more carefully picked look, cuter (but very casual) outfits, and wearing nail polish , give my euphoria from time to time.

I don’t wanna bother you too much, cause whatever transition steps you do, will be your journey. I personally just felt very hollow on many parts of this journey cause I attacked myself for not being “trans enough” which mostly annoys me in hindsight. And now on days or weeks we’re I just can’t really be me (yet) I still know who I am and don’t feel disappointed by myself. 😊

I can highly recommend looking (via queermed) for queer group therapy or similar. This helped me a great deal. 💜

You can happily add me on blahaj.zone Calckey if you feel like staying in touch. 😊

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