Have a nice butt

TLDR: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won't matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.

I'm basically a complete flip of you physically but I had the same problem for a loooooooooong time. I'm a tall, strong, heavy woman, and all i kept hearing was "you're beautiful, I just don't want someone taller/stronger/heavier than me". I totally get it, I didn't want to be taller/stronger/heavier than my partner either. But I'm like Fezzik- "it's not my fault I'm the biggest and the strongest, I don't even exercise". except I did do cardio to try to slim down, I'm just built to survive famine I guess. ¯⁠\⁠(⁠◉⁠‿⁠◉⁠)⁠/⁠¯

What I didn't understand was the ones who said they just wanted to be friends, because i just wasn't their type, but would happily be fuck buddies, so long as we kept it hush hush. ಠ⁠ಗ⁠ಠ

Anyway, eventually after a bunch of very bad attempts at relationships where I took way more BS than I should have because I was just that hungry for affection, I decided I was just better off being single forever. I couldn't seem to find a decent person who was attracted to me both physically and intellectually, so I decided to just stop looking. Not just stop looking, stop wanting. I actively wanted to be single for the rest of my life, in large part because I was just tired of the pain of being lonely. Like, "Jesus titty fucking Christ, we're gonna cry ourselves to sleep because we're SOOOO sad we're alone AGAIN?! FFS, JUST STAHP!" So I stopped wanting a partner. I found I had so much more time and energy to do the things I was passionate about when I wasn't futzing with all that stuff. I became the queen of getting shit done, remodeled my house myself, landscaped my yard, built a garden, went to the gym regularly, did weight lifting till I maxed out all the leg machines at the gym, and got close to maxing some of the upper body ones too. I was happy being single. I WANTED to be single. I craved my free time, the peace i found in solitude was better by orders of magnitude than any of the toxic relationships I'd clung to in the past.

After about two and a half years of that, a long time friend/ acquaintance started coming to me for massage ( I'm a deep tissue massage therapist with a focus on injury recovery and pain relief) and we would just talk throughout the sessions. Politics, philosophy, movies, anime, music, goals, food... Just everything. Eventually, after we'd just spent two more hours talking in the car after the two hours talking in the session, he said "Sooo.... you know I'm flirting with you sometimes, right?" I turned him down. I said, more or less, "I'm happy single, I've had such a garbage time dating that I can't pretend I'm not a decent part of the problem. I value our friendship and don't want to hurt your feelings, and I'm not NOT attracted to you, I just don't want to date ever again." He was completely chill, said "no worries, no is no even if you're attracted to me too. if you ever change your mind, let me know." And he dropped it, never brought it up again.... And fuck if that wasn't the sexiest thing I've ever seen. We kept being friends and talking and spending time together, talking about goals and wants and life plans and we found that our wants and goals in life were so in line it was uncanny. Importantly, neither of us wanted to get married, neither of us wanted kids, neither of us wanted to live with a partner ever again... It seemed like I could keep my peace, my space, my autonomy, AND have a partner who cared about my mind and emotions while also finding me wildly attractive. So we talked about what dating would look like and agreed to try it. It's been 2.5 years so far and I've never been happier in a relationship. I still think if we stopped being romantically involved I'd probably prefer to go back to staying single, but I'm happy with him as a partner.

I tell you the whole story, kinda long and rambling as it is, because I don't think I could have found a happy relationship if I had continued to want one with the same frantic energy as I had previously. I don't think I would have been a person who could be as open and honest as I was with who I was if I'd still wanted a partner when we started to really get to know each other. I don't think I was a whole person when I was looking for my "other half" and I don't know if you can really find a good match if you're not a whole entire person on your own. If I could distill the idea down to it's core, I think it would be: be happy to be alone, truly and genuinely. then it won't matter if you find a partner, but you will be able to choose them with a clear mind if you do.

I grew up in the farm-y outskirts of a big-ish city. I got to catch lizards and tadpoles and toads in the creek nearby, and we'd collect reeds from cattails and weave them into little mats for fun. we'd walk/bike to our friends house without parents, just yell that your going to so and so's and off you trot. We knew the farmer who grew the sweet corn we ate all summer, and the farmers who had the peach orchard and tomato fields we'd harvest from at the end of summer to can cheap produce for the winter.
The foothills behind our neighborhood were covered with grass and shrub, spattered with bike trails and caves right up to the tree line. There were foxes and racoons that you'd need to protect your chickens from. Deer would chill in our yard in fall eating the fallen Apples from around our trees. Flocks of starlings covered our huge cottonwood trees making a huge racket and pooping everywhere. I'd take a metal baseball bat to our big metal clothesline post to make a big gong noise to scare them off cuz they were so loud.

Then a fence went up, blocking us from using the hills, and they started construction on a bunch of high end mc mansions. They filled in the caves, killed the foxes and racoons, and paved over the creek to make a walking trail. More and more deer ended up as roadkill till they stopped coming to eat the apples altogether. Developers bought out the farmers to build more houses, first the tomato fields, then the corn, and finally the peaches were ripped out and paved over. The dairy became a giant strip mall for a Staples, and a Kohl's, a donut shop and a sandwich shop. The road I walked alongside, barefoot, to play in the creek became too busy to be safe for kids to walk next to.

In summer we'd play outside and drink from the hose till we were too hot, then we'd run inside and stand under the swamp cooler to cool down. Year after year it got hotter and hotter till the heat was too much and we couldn't play outside for too long because the swamp cooler wasn't enough to cool us down anymore. In winter we used to make snow men and build igloos with buckets full of snow as bricks, and we'd trample paths into the snow drifts that came up to our hips. But year after year the snow banks got shorter and shorter and the snow came later and later until... I remember the first year we had no snow till after Christmas. The decorations looked so sad and stupid sitting on brown grass instead of coated with bright snow. That's the last year I bothered to put them up. The more people moved to the area, the thicker the smog got in the winter. All the stagnant stinky car exhaust and fumes from the refinery got caught in the bowl of the valley all winter, till the hazy air was so dense you couldn't see the mountains that surrounded us.

The world got hotter and more full of cars and houses all while the people got more stranded inside. Yes by the lure of Internet, but also to try to escape the heat and dust and smog. New neighbors in the big houses would snap at us to get off their lawn then smile like they gave a fuck the next Sunday at church.

Neighborhoods full of community became individuals in houses.

I'm only 34.

I have ADHD and I find I have lots of difficulties with auditory processing in high noise floor situations. Also got my hearing checked because I couldn't understand people in loud spaces. Turns out ADHD brains just don't handle processing all that noise well. If I understand it correctly it's because we need to process everything at the same level instead of some things being easy to leave on autopilot. Might not be your case but it sounded familiar so, that's my two bits.

Like a handful of other people in the comments I never dress up or wear makeup, it's black pants and a t-shirt for me. It's usually a graphic t-shirt that is silly so if someone's like "oh cute t-shirt" sure, that's fine. But if they're talking to me specifically cute feels infantilizing. I'm a 33-Year-Old woman, I either look fine, nice, beautiful, or like a deranged raccoon holding a knife.

My power tools. I'm not a professional but doing all the diy home repairs myself with the right tools for the job has probably saved me tens of thousands of dollars in contractors. And believe me when I say get the right tools for the job, it's worth it. You can fight with the wrong tool for hours trying to get a job done poorly or do it right in minutes with the right tools for the job. Not only is your time valuable but having the project done correctly the first time means you don't have to pay to fix it a second time. Even if you're the one doing it the second time, you still have to spend the time ripping out the garbage you put in and pay for the materials to do it right the second time.

Cheese and rice. Got me good.

He does seem very happy when I'm giving him snuggles though so I don't think he's in pain.

Are you your own favorite person? If not, why not? What qualities about yourself make you feel like you're not worthy of being the person you enjoy spending the most time with? If you are your own favorite person, why does it matter if someone else feels like they'd rather spend time with you over anyone else? I feel if you enjoy your own company when you're completely alone then the relationships you develop with others become more genuine, because you actually enjoy spending time with those people, rather than just being desperate to not be alone with yourself.

My sous vide, 100% I have never gotten a steak from a restaurant that was better than what I make at home with my sous vide and a good thick iron pan. It cost $100 and it probably paid for itself with one package of steaks from Costco.

You have friends over, right? ..... RIGHT?!?!???

In my case it's because often even the slightest bit of humor or attention or willingness to play along with the bit gets me way more unwanted attention than I bargained for. If I respond like a person wanting to have a little fun with another person and it gets me treated like a thing they can now win and possess, the genuine human interaction has been tainted by the implication that it wasn't genuine, there was always a motive and, because I played along, I'm now not a person to be interacted with, I'm a thing to be owned. I'd rather just not do the thing if that's one of the possible outcomes. And yeah, that's why I tend to not go out anymore.

No more garbage genetics please. EDS, pots, ADHD, probably autism (on the waiting list for testing), chronic stomach troubles, depression, anxiety, hormone imbalances, PCOS, chronic pain, inflammation, weak loose skin. All that can go fuck right off forever and die. Once my body actually worked, and looked like it wasn't cursed from the get go, I think I might actually like it. Mostly. Might like an androgynous unit for daily living and a feminine one for sexy times. Both thoroughly muscular of course. Gotta get that muscle tone. If we went for non human stuff on top of that, wings. Huge fuck off dragon wings. None of that Superman flying shit, I wanna FEEL the flight. Hell, I'd probably actually be able to enjoy doing any physical activity if my fucking body wasn't so, so breakable. Really I just wish I wasn't in so much pain.

ಥ⁠╭⁠╮⁠ಥ YOU GIVE THEM SNUGGLES RIGHT NOW!!!!

Bonus Mishka Shramp!

To be fair, as a woman, my partner playing with my nipples does nothing for me either. They're just about as sensitive as fondling my tummy would be, or my outer elbow. can you imagine someone playing with your belly pudge to feel particularly arousing? I just kinda figure it's not for me. Since guys just love touching boobs so much, I just kinda let em play. They are fun to squish around I guess, like jello. I may very well be in the minority in this, it is just my personal experience. Actually, funnily enough, the inner elbow is more sensitive to me than my boobs are. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

I'm so sorry, I'm glad she had a kind home fo so long.