How do I [32M] have a "slut phase"?

3 years ago by HeartbeatHomeboy to c/asklemmynsfw

cross-posted from: https://lemmynsfw.com/post/178038

Hear me out. First, I know sex isn't everything and I know that hooking up and getting laid isn't going to solve deeper needs and insecurities that I am working on.

That said, I'm also getting out of a long and bad relationship that has left me feeling like I missed so many experiences and opportunities in what ultimately were the final years of my 20s.

I never really properly figured out dating or hooking up. Even though it's not literally true, I feel like the only person I've been with is someone where we skipped straight to "serious long term relationship" which not only contributed to why we didn't work out, but also kind of stunted my development when it comes to romance and sex.

So now I'm trying to take a step back and just kind of loosen up and have fun in a way I feel I never have before. I do want to develop real connections and long term relationships, but I also want a bit of time away from that first.

Only problem is, I have no clue how and I do feel just a bit old for it. I'm on Tinder and frankly it just feels like nobody is interested.

bioropes 8 points 3 years ago

I did a very similar thing for very similar reasons at a very similar age. It was hard for sure to break the cycle of dating -> breakup -> dating again.

My best advice is genuinely that I had no fun on Tinder etc. Everything clicked when I stopped looking for people and started just going out with friends: scrubbed up and put together, available but not pursuing particularly, generally talkable to without being a creep.

You are right that hooking up and getting laid won't solve your needs, but it is fun. I say get some therapy (always helps me massively) and be chill. Paradoxically that approach of not looking and not caring gave more success than anything else for me.

The other thing is to let go of that "I really like this person and need to solidify this connection into a long term relationship" instinct. You can feel that love and care and respect whilst keeping things relatively casual. Even on a one-night thing, it can be nice to do some slightly date-y things but with no expectation of it being more. Like going to get coffee or brunch the next morning.

Finally also if you're into kink, munches and events can give a really good place to make friends and explore that particular world.

Good luck :)

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timmypickles 8 points 3 years ago

Lower your standards. If that doesn't work, lower them further.

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HeartbeatHomeboy 4 points 3 years ago

I feel like I don't really have any right now (hence slut phase) but my problem is more that I don't know how to meet anyone I guess.

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SineNomen 7 points 3 years ago

Do you have any kinks? Joining a sex positive community where people regularly meet in real life (like a munch) goes a long way. I've fucked more girls after joining the BDSM community with my wife than before I got married.

Mind you, you can't go in there with the expectation of sex. You still have to actually get to know people and make friends and such.

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LogJammin 6 points 3 years ago

Ever go to any conventions or festivals? Plenty of casual hookups happen there.

The hippie/burner festivals where you're camping out are great. They're often clothing-optional, sex-positive, and kink-friendly (if you're into that).

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kindahorny 2 points 3 years ago

Are these festivals just a US thing? I would love to go on a hippie festival in germany

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LogJammin 2 points 3 years ago

Found this one. Likely more to be found, it's definitely ot exclusive to the U.S.

https://mmm.kiezburn.org/

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perviouslyiner 2 points 3 years ago

Here is one in Denmark

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Kolanaki 3 points 3 years ago

Grindr works for my slutty ass. But it's just men. I wish there was a similar app that had all genders (I'm pan). I am the same age, too.

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HeartbeatHomeboy 1 point 3 years ago

I could be wrong but I have a feeling if I was going for dudes I'd be doing just fine haha.

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Kolanaki 3 points 3 years ago

IDK. I can't get dudes on Tinder either. But I've never not gotten some action on Grindr. Maybe Grindr dudes aren't as picky 🤷🏻‍♂️

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RVAcenobites 3 points 3 years ago

Idk if you know this but the tinder premium subscription (I think it’s called tinder gold or something like that) MASSIVELY boosts how many feeds your profile shows up in and will automatically move you to the top of the feed for other people so if you are planning to use tinder primarily it is worth the money.

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HeartbeatHomeboy 3 points 3 years ago

I've been using it for the past week and it has helped, but only a little. Freaking expensive too.

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RVAcenobites 1 point 3 years ago

Yeah it’s not cheap but If you think that one month of tinder is the same cost as one night of going out to bars I think it pays for itself. I was getting 2 or 3 dates a week off tinder (We live in a mid size city) and was getting maybe one every two weeks just going out with my friends.

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PubSubSwitch 3 points 3 years ago

If stereotypes are to be believed at all then try Grindr. All the horniness of men on dating apps but it is self feeding.

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HeartbeatHomeboy 6 points 3 years ago

This might be a stupid question but like ... I'm looking for women and I'm not going to find them on Grindr right?

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throwkpo 2 points 3 years ago

Dating apps are a waste of time and self-esteem (at least for me). Put some nice clothes and cologne on, head to a bar and try your luck there!

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@lemmynsfw.com

login for more options

Think /r/AskLemmy but way more NSFW.

Treat this community like a cross between /c/AskLemmy, /c/Sex, and /c/Fetishes.

RULES:

All posts must be in the form of a question and be largely NSFW.
Only text posts are allowed. Links can be posted if they are very relevant.
No images, videos, or embedded media in posts.
This is not a place for hookups, chat requests, AMAs.

POST GUIDELINES:

Try to avoid questions that can simply be googled or have yes/no answers.
Search before you post. Your question may have been asked before.
If you ask medical/physical questions don't always trust the comments here.

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