I haven't been able to play video games for months, including a new game about subways ☠️

If I take more tylenol do you think the autism will beat the ADHD into submission? Asking for a public transit enthusiast.

I have a graveyard for the things I enjoy doing but can’t motivate myself to do. The primary culprit for this is work. It’s boring and uninspiring but it pays well. The trade off is a paycheck in exchange for any semblance of motivation for life once the workday ends.

Everyday I wake up thinking about playing the guitar and every night I go to sleep thinking why I didn't do it and watched TV instead.

I don't want to reply to people directly because I don't want them to feel singled out, but I wanted to share a few things. Anyone who wants to respond is welcome 😊

1. Your drugs give you executive function?!?! Which ones are you taking and have you tired others/other doses so that you know it's the type/dose that impacts it? The primary benefit I get from lisdexamfetamine 60 mg is my brain is slightly quieter and I have better emotional regulation.

2. For me not being able to do things is from one of two reasons. Persistent Demand for Autonomy is when my mind/body refuses to let me do something because it takes any demand as a threat. Like a fainting goat if the fainting goat screamed FUCK YOU (internally) instead of fainting. Demands include me thinking "Gee, I should play that video game I bought and have been looking forward to, that would be nice and relaxing." No, you are going to sit still for a few hours instead.

When it's executive disfunction I literally cannot figure out how to do it and it becomes overwhelming. Executive function consists of three parts (taken from https://cpa.ca/... )

• Inhibition control: the ability to think before acting.
• Working memory: the ability to hold and juggle a small amount of information while performing another task.
• Cognitive flexibility: the ability to adjust your thinking or approach when situations change, so you can find new ways to solve problems or respond.

I started typing an example of why it can take me like 2 hours to shower on a bad day but that got really long so I will cut to the point: breaking things into smaller tasks and planning ahead requires executive function. I get the idea is that that you should do this when you feel like your executives are functioning, but remembering to add hobbies and including the permutations that come from doing them "in your spare time" make that really, really hard. So, "I want to play video games" becomes "Initiating the playing of the video game take every last bit of function leaving me with no time to play them and feeling extremely stressed out".

If it's built into a routine then I can typically manage. When I wasn't off work showering maybe took a bit longer some times but I knew I did it at a certain time every day and I had a hair washing schedule so I didn't need to think about that either. The moment that routine is interrupted (i.e I don't need to be at work at a certain time each day?) each little decision and step becomes overwhelming. Try and push through it? I've forgotten to see if there are any towels in the bathroom? Wore the wrong slippers? I am going to fucking crash out about being wet and uncomfortable and not going to be able to do anything for a few hours. Harder to build video games into a routine especially if you don't have time to play every day.

One the other hand doing things is exhausting.

One of the earliest signs I had that I was fucked up

Me trying to finally launch that game I really wanted to play for three days straight.

Another drink it is!

stares at the art supplies I got and only used once

I have a set of dumbells I lift everyday, in a separate room of the house from my regular activities. The endorphins are great on an okay day, they help me get by on a bad one. I meditate, in the shower. I wouldn't find the time otherwise, now showers are 'harder', but clean me more now and serve as an better anchor for the day. Getting really good at my hobbies, knowing I can do the cool thing - really helps pull me back to them. That trick worked for video games too, playing everything on the hardest difficulty and forcing myself to learn instead of taking the easy route. I know I'm better off like this, but it doesn't feel like it. I'm too scared to lose all this work, so I keep going. It's not the best coping strat, but it's works. I'm not thriving or anything, but I'm a little closer.

This is me in this exact moment

Every fucking time.

Then I spend a solid 12 hours turning a slay the spire 2 boss into a spaghetti monster. There's no in-between.

I'll hop on that as soon as i catch up on TikTok

oh no, you see, I don't feel like I've earned that yet, so ah, more sitting I guess.

daily

I've been diagnosed with autism and inattentive ADHD, and it's increasingly looking like this kind of executive dysfunction is because of the autism in my case, because I'm currently going through titration and all the meds have achieved so far is that I'm not starting the thing more furiously than before.

In moments like these, don’t think, just do. Think about what you want to do and then stop thinking altogether and start going to do what you want to do just repeating “don’t think just do” to yourself the whole time you are walking to do what it is. Don’t think about anything while you are walking to do said thing. If your brain says stop, do not listen to that shit. You already did all the thinking before you started walking. Don’t start thinking again until you have already started doing said thing. This shit works for me at least