Plainfield police seize 650 toilet paper rolls from Homecoming hijinks
a month ago by einlander to c/nottheonion
You don't even have to hit distributor quantity for that price to be obviously a complete load. I can get 16 mega rolls of angel soft brand for 10 bucks at my local Safeway right now. 62.5 cents per roll. And if you're buying it to TP someone's house, you're probably getting an even cheaper brand.
They're claiming each roll has a street value of ~$2.63. Basically 5 times that amount.
But aside from the money, the cops are presenting this as preventing all sorts of property damage which...fuck right off with that. TPing isn't damaging shit. You pull it down from the trees, you put in a garbage bag, you go on with your day. Nah, they just wanted to deny these kids the fun of an amazing TP war. Teens are always gonna push boundaries and find fun in rebellious activities, and I feel like TPing is one of the least destructive things they could be doing, frankly.
Its also biodegradable and breaks down relatively quickly, and doesnt cause property damage (like eggs can).
If you are going to cause havoc, this is probably the best way to do it.
I didn’t know toilet paper had street value but now that I do, how do I best become the kingpin in 3fold?
partially made of cocaine.
Good job, boys. You foiled the nefarious plans of those high schoolers. Really earning that salary.
ICE out here executing random citizens, but hey, at least they caught those pesky highschool toiler paper hooligans...
It's Plainfield.. What the fuck else are they going to do with their time?
God, cops are obsessed with posing with anything they seize in bulk. Are the posing officers the ones involved? Who the fuck knows?!
But, let's take everything at face value. $1000 $1700 "worth" of toilet paper... taken off the streets. Y'know, for safety. Like with drugs. This major bust apparently required 9 police officers, and, for some reason, a K9.
Let's be generous and assume that this department assigns 2 pigs bastards cops to a cruiser, and let's be considerate and assume that it took them only an hour to perform this sting and collect their Bounty. Let's also assume that they managed to only burn 1 gallon of gasoline per vehicle. Finally, I think that it's safe to assume that it took about two hours to get back to the station, decompress, tickle each other's assholes over what a good police job they did, fill out their passive language paperwork, stack the TP, take this picture posting like they just got Osama Bin Laden, and then make a couple of racist jokes.
According to ZipRecruiter, the average Plainfield, IL hourly wage is around $30/hr. According to Gas Buddy, gas prices are around $5/gallon. So, to protect their streets from, probably, $400 worth of toilet paper, it likely cost the city $925, plus whatever the hourly cost is to make sure a police dog doesn't get desensitized to black people.
But thank goodness Plainfield PD was there to prove that you can also use assholes to clean up toilet paper. Fucking ass-wipes.
They're using wonky math to get that 1700$
They're posing with the shit paper as if it were a pile of cocaine 🤣 I hope America the beautiful was blaring while this photoshoot went on.
When I first saw the picture I thought this was a satirical article about a "bust", and I laughed.
Then I saw it was an actual "bust" and now I don't know if this is serious or a failed attempt at a joke.
Now those kids will have to rebel in a safer way, like drugs.
I just noticed what has to be a trained butt-sniffing dog.
Thank goodness those monsters were stopped, right??
Oh my gosh there was a notorious period in HS with TPing and revenge TPing. The rich kid car dealer Dad got hit and MAN did they overreact and get pissed.
Their nanny was there at the time and felt threatened. A stuffed a tailpipe caused damage. All sorts of exaggerating lies. Oh man, it was the best.
Okay that does look like it would take a bunch of effort to clean up. You could wait until the next rains thoroughly soak the paper and it might rip down on its own, but it might also be blown around everywhere. Better to take it down before it rains and dispose of it with less mess. I'm guessing the original pranksters would be made to do that?
No it's a college tradition in Auburn University, they roll the whole lawn after a game win.
The trick is that they use the cheapest ultra thin toilet paper that's easy enough to actually launch and unroll itself, which also makes it easier to clean up.
afaik they hire some private contractor to clean after every game. They don't need a lot of people but they do use lifts and stuff to reach the branches.
This reminds me of the Uvalde SWAT team photo where those pussy cops were playing pretend soldiers.
Is there a magazine in that one? Trigger discipline at least looks good.
It's barrel discipline. Put your thumb in the barrel so it can't fire.
I hope the high schoolers don't keep trying to do this kind of thing. They might fall afoul of the three wipes law!
It's wild to me that they posed. Not that they stopped that, or that there's a news story about it. But that they posed.
Doesn't really seem like the best use of law enforcement funds. Guess it's better than shooting minorities, ar least.
Funbusters Inc strikes again.
What I would give for a good hijink...
Wow, good work. Very cool and useful.
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We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!
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Once again, they're inflating their numbers by extrapolating the street price for a single use against what's clearly a distributor quantity. They're probably also adding the weight of the pallets into the net total.
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