You have to post about it online and keep the community updated on your progress, becoming the first widespread Lemmy meme

But when you eventually poop your in the middle of human a human centipede

You already can -- immodium

This is very healthy and has no possible downsides.

You have tk participate in a mysterious and most likely kinky event.

Turns out, the books you touch are actually quite satisfied and content.

It only works if you touch it with your penis.

The title of the book appears somewhere on your skin, and if removed you will forget any knowledge from that book, whether you obtained it through reading or your power. The titles must be legible, and cannot overlap.

but you must feel a paper cut from every single page of knowledge

Every book you encounter will always be written in a language you don't speak.

... but every page becomes blank just before you touch it.

You can talk to animals now. I think what you mean is you want them to be able to talk too.

Your already can talk to animals. We all understand you.

But only about collecting stamps.

You can talk to animals, but it includes insects and birds... and you can't shut their conversion out for some peace and quiet

You can talk to them but they can't understand you.

Everytime you talk to an animal, every moving living being around you looks like the animal you talked to for the next 2 hours.

"Say hi to your mother for me, ok!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjpUfdjYR6s

Bees come out of your eyes

But you have to guard an old billionaire's mansion.

The debt alwaye gets randomly assigned to another person

Their debt transfers to you.

Granted, but your thoughts are transmitted to the person looking at you.

but for everyone, including yourself.

But unfortunately you can't start it again.

It restarts at random.

Can't start time again.

Time stops for everything that isn't you, including air. You leave a vacuum everywhere you go and can never stay anywhere for long.

You stop time for yourself too.

But it occasionally restarts at a random point in the future

Having unlimited power means you control everything. You have no time to enjoy your power because you're constantly making sure the laws of physics stay and balance so the universe doesn't dissolve.

Every attempt at thought or action ends in an omnipotence paradox. E.g., can God make a rock so heavy even he can't lift it?

The side-effect is randomized Dementia >:)

You have analysis paralysis. You can do everything, but you can't figure out what you want to do at any given time, so you just do nothing.

You also gain impotence. Congratulations! You now know that you can only be a god by being a paradox

You consume the calories of every food by just naming it.

But the delivery guy still wants money for the food you ordered.

You take it from the hungriest person about to eat it, assuming there is someone at the time. You cannot turn this ability off, and it happens even when you aren't referring to the food. I hope those birthday cakes taste good, you monster.

You become deaf and blind

It will only teleport your body, not your clothes

You are unable to control the ability and will teleport even when you are just be reminded of a place.

Does not teleport your cloths.

Thinking includes dreams and nightmares. You wake up in interesting places.

You don't teleport to the place you're thinking of.

As you get older you keep thinking back to places that no longer exist.

You will arrive naked only - with an urgent need to vomit.

That place is the time you walked in on your parents having sex.

You better keep it very quiet and not teleport in front of anyone by accident, because as soon as governments are aware of your power, be ready to become a lab rat who will be the rest of your life sedated

Only when orgasming

You constantly forget to wash your hands.

Your mouth becomes sealed shut for 8 hours whenever you secrete custard.

The custard is rancid.

Will calls the police and you are arrested.

But it still only works if magic actually works and if it doesn't, then you just understand really well how you would have used magic, if it were actually real.

But your side effect is infinite power.

You're an admin on reddit

Except you feel the need to always respond to everyone else's conversations. Your timing is impeccable yet everyone comes to resent your witty remarks.

But the strain and concentration required causes you to dump your drawers.

It only works when nobody's looking, and everyone just thinks you were using your hands.

except it's only by smell >:)

With everyone! all of the time!

The ability to think is lost

When you have obtained your superpower, you lose your ability to obtain any new superpowers.

.

Lemmy.ml bans you.

The highest voted side effect applies for all powers obtained in this way.

But you can poop only once every 3 days.

But only until you sober up.

You die immediately after this

... despite having nightmarish diarrhea every hour, on the hour.

An annoying happy-go-lucky theme song plays for all to hear around you.

Only the future after you are dead

you can see the future, but only at your current location relative to the center of the galaxy, so you always just see the vacuum of space.

But only one second ahead.

except you get chronic diarrhea that lasts for 1 week each time you use it

Everything you touch turns into a potato

Everyone knows about your power, and you are constantly bombarded with people asking for your help.

Terrible migraines whenever you use it

You fart violently when using it

Including your own body parts

Cool! Every time you manipulate gravity, your body loses mass in addition to and proportional to how much energy is needed to do the manipulation.

Which part of your body loses this (additional) mass is totally random. It could be your fat, it could be your brain tissue, it's all random. How the mass is lost depends on what is the most likely way it'd be dissipated.

You retain no memories of anything that happened during a time stop. If you go back in time, everyone else remembers things normally, but you forgot that period of time completely.

Severe IBS

When you stop time you cannot move as all the air molecules around you are stopped.

You move with time.

You can only control it one minute at a time and only forward

You're constantly followed by an army of mice that want to eat your cheese.

Lactose intollerant

Cheese becomes tasteless

It appears from a random bodily orifice each time, and never the same one twice.

Can't control when you do it.

At the rate of one gram per hour.

But you have no control over where and when.

You constantly stink of molding cheese

... because you are the target of those kinks

You will get a very strong, visceral image of every person engaging in that kink.

The only way you can generate fart power is by eating poo.

You have uncurable IBS

Your farts are now so powerful that they propel you upwards without bending any laws of physics

The farts are toxic in a one meter radius.

But you develop a terrible and incurable fear of heights.

Your arms are now wings with no hands like a birds.

You are a gnat.

Wings used to fly protrude and retract from your anus.

You no longer have any side effects, only things intentionally done will happen. You must now consciously think about breathing and blinking as they are no longer side effects of being alive. As this is not a side effect, but rather the effect itself it cannot be nullified.

You are temporarily blind and deaf whenever you begin to fly

You can fly super fast but are unable to decelerate except by crashing into things.

By throwing a D10k

You need to wear a ring to use it, and undead monsters hunting for the ring will instantly know where you are. It may or may not have a mind of its own convincing you to never part ways with it.

Only works when no one is looking at you... and when you're naked.

but not for yourself

Via any of those methods, you can only communicate at one word per minute.

You become dyslexic

You have to rub sand in your eyes to use it.

“Reactive adaptation” To the wrong emergency.

exclusive used as a human shield by the military

You move the exact same distance into the opposite direction of the moved object, even if there already exists another object in that space.

You are not able to move while lifting anything

You conserve your angular momentum, so if you move at all in latitude the earth we'll be moving at a different speed. It would be like stepping out of a moving vehicle onto the freeway but a whole lot faster.

Your entire family was murdered in a dark city alley to lead to your powers.

You are never truly sure again if people are actually listening to you or even like you or they are just enchanted by your power. You are never again able to form meaningful relationships with that doubt in you mind, you can never find true love and become a recluse.

All fluids you touch turn into mercury.

Everytime you do it feels like walking on Lego

Side effect: Newtonian fluids change their behaviour to that of non Newtonian fluids and you can't pass any of them in a hurry. You can run on water now though.

undeleted by creator

But you will load randomly

you die once you use it, with a 1% chance of living

Although you survive, you get 2nd degree burns that take a regular amount of time to heal.

But anyone within 50 miles with the same zodiac sign turns into a chicken