I've had friends 20 or 30 years older for well over a decade.

... your son is an adult. I think you're being the weird ones about this personally.

Not quite the same gap but I grew to be good friends with a work buddy in his 40s when I was 25.

Throughout my life I tended to connect better with people older than me.

But if you have bad vibes beyond just the age then it may be worth talking candidly with your son about your concerns.

At age 17 I made friends with a coworker in their 40s. I found out he was into D&D and he invited me to sit in on a game. Now I'm 30 and I been playing with this group of now 50-60 year old dudes every Sunday since. Age gap isn't strange but if your getting weird vibes maybe have a chat with your son about your concerns, but he is an adult in college now. He will likely have many connections of all ages.

This man has just started university now at this age because apparently he was born poor and in the first half of his life was focused on making money, but medicine is a dream of his.

So the guy worked to get to a place where he could reasonably go back to school to do something he's passionate about.

Son has always been an introverted, shy, socially awkward kid with little friends, but now goes out often.

Going to college will do that, what's the issue? Is it impacting his grades?

Honestly my wife & I are uncomfortable, and we can’t help but side eye the dude.

Why are you uncomfortable? What about the guy is off-putting to you? And are you really untrustworthy of the guy, or uncomfortable about the new choices in behavior your kid is exhibiting now that he has autonomy?

With how little information is provided, I can only fall back on my own experience as a kid with an over protective parent who had to be explicitly told to let me be an adult, and I get similar vibes. But that could just be my experience coloring your post.

Personally, I think it's nice to have friends who are older or younger.

If you feel uncomfortable maybe try to get to know him.

As a 40 something man, I’ve found that my friend groups tend to shift by life stage more than age.

We have friends that are 10-15 years older than us because our kids are the same age, and we have friends that are 10-15 years younger than us because we have overlapping hobbies or work together.

At this point in my life, I don’t even bother finding out someone’s age until I’d consider them friends, because it doesn’t matter if we’ve found something we connect over.

There were some older people at my university and they always sadly had a lot of trouble making friends and fitting in. Be glad your son is a good guy who doesnt judge people by their age.

I see why your son has no friends, not his issue tho, it's the side eyeing

Every single person I have met that goes to college later in life are driven to meet their objectives regardless of their starting conditions and environments and generally a good influence to everyone around them. Since you are around his age, it should be easy to imagine what it would take for someone with his background to stay determined and commit to study for years as a 41 year old. I understand why you may be worried but it may honestly be better for your child to be around with someone older who has had time to work on themselves, know where they are going and willing to commit to get there.

It doesn't have to be creepy or problematic, but your son would have to know what worrying things to look out for. Nothing wrong with having a chat saying "hey just because large age gap friendships are rarer, i wanted to make sure you're on your guard..but your friend might be awesome, just have your eyes open".

What specifically worries you?

I had a friend with that same age gap in university, he was actually a great influence because he had life experience.

He was basically retired from his first career and taking classes for fun, awesome dude.

So I have two things to say about this. First, you should know that this is very much a thing. I'm in kind of an opposite situation as a younger expat in a country where people from my country tend to be older, and people can and will get along regardless of age when they're put in the same place; it just doesn't happen often because the way modern society works ends up with people being basically sorted by age.

Second, as someone who grew up with overprotective parents trying to control how your son acts will never end well. Seriously it can be infuriating to be on the receiving end of that, so if you care about your relationship with your son know that there are very few situations where it's okay to control who your adult son associates with, and just being "uncomfortable" is not one of them.

Edit: Messed up a word.

Friend is friend

Nothing to worry about. I've met many older guys who just don’t "fit in" with their age group. For example, some are more liberal than others in their generation and tend to connect much better with younger people.

The age gap itself is absolutely not a problem. Is he a good person? Finding out can be more than a little tricky, and you risk coming off a bit like helicopter parents at best, and grossly overbearing at worst.

Your own son is not a child anymore. He is perfectly capable of independent thought and judgement. Is he good at it yet? Probably not, but the only way for that to change is practice.

Still, you can't keep him on a leash anymore, so trusting him to navigate life on his own isn't optional.

Make it clear that whatever happens your son can come to you for support. And tell him, explicitly, that you understand that ultimately, as a legal adult, your son has final say in how he lives life.

Once I was legally an adult, my parents made it very clear that my life choices were now up to me, but that they'd always show concern for me, and always help and support me, if I ask. They give unsolicited advice at times, but they do not try to make decisions for me, and I adore them for it.

There are tons of things about my life I've kept, and keep, from my parents, but never anything big or serious about my well-being. Their unconditional willingness to let me make my own mistakes, and be helpful rather than judgemental when I do, has ensured I will always turn to them in times of need.

Once your kid is control of their own life, that's kind of the best you can hope for.

One of my best friends is nearly 70, I'm 27. We met when I was 17 or something, and we're both very autistic. (like a lot of my friends)

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I used to play Star Wars 4th Edition Pen and Paper RPG with a 40 year old and his 32 year old wife when I was 16. They were just harmless geeks, like me.

If anything, my mom making snarky comments about the 40 year old guy really soured our relationship for a while. My friend who was my age and who also played with us sent her a picture in the mail of the 3 of us holding hands under a rainbow. She was pissed.

It's fine. Your son could just as easily be friends with someone his age that's a psychopath. It's in the person, not the age. At 18 you're going to have to trust his judgement a little more.

Honestly my wife & I are uncomfortable, and we can’t help but side eye the dude.

To me that sounds much more like a (both of) you issue, more than an issue for either your son or his new friend. Why do you worry so much?

Nothing should prevent two persons appreciating one another to feel free to do so, be it as friends or more if affinity. Mandatory disclaimer since we now live full time in a very bad remake of Idiocracy: Im talking about two persons of legal age.

My suggestion to both your spouse and to you would be one that has already been made: try to know the guy better, maybe?

To which I would add this (sorry if this sounds harsh, I can write it much more delicately in French, if you prefer):

Your son is now an adult and he is beginning his new live. If you want to stay a relevant part of his life remember that he most likely will not choose his friends, nor his sex partner(s), nor his spouse in order to please or to reassure you. He has started building his own life, not an extension of yours.

That said, you should also feel free to tell him your worries and any doubt you may have, obviously. Just, remember that he is not 'your son' anymore, I mean he is, but he is also an adult person 100% free to make his own choices, like you are. And remember that it's one thing to share your questions and doubts with him, it's another thing to demand explanations or to tell him what he should (not) do, and with whom.

Life is all about making choice and accepting as a fact that will we make mistakes. At all age. And it is so for all of us—not just for your son.

Everyone's an adult, nothing's weird until things get weird.

Depends entirely on the person. I have friends that are a similar age gap to the one you mentioned, it just never occurred to me to think of it as weird.

We're all into the same hobby and that's how we met, but we also like similar video games, music, TV, etc, so there's plenty to talk about and have a friendship around. I don't think about their age really at all, it just doesn't come up.

But yeah, it entirely depends on the individual, on both ends. You can have a weirdo older person, you can have a weirdo 18 year old. Just got to weigh up a person and try to figure out what their deal is :-)

I long ago stopped thinking about biological age (not in that way...get your mind out of the gutter), and started thinking more in terms of social age.

I'm 48. But I'm divorced, no kids, live alone and most of my biological peers are married with kids, and even some grandparents by now. As a result, my friend group consists mostly of people in their mid to late 30s who are closer to me in terms of current life status.

In that respect, there really is no difference between anywhere from late 20s to late 40s I would say. However...

41 to 18 is a little odd. I have employees around that age and I generally look at them as kids, not peers, even though we all work together.

I was in a similar boat and became close friends with a coworker in his 50s when I was in my early 20s. He became a mentor of sorts who helped to guide me through a lot of young adult issues, and I was thankful for him. I'd encourage you to be open minded about your son's friendship unless you are sensing red flags from his friend.

I work at a college and I used to have some great conversations with one of our student workers about board games, math and other dorky stuff. He graduated earlier this year, and I miss talking to him. I learned a lot from that kid.

When I was 21 I joined a big band that had people from their late teens to their mid 70s. I think of everyone in that band as something like family, and it was one of the most enriching experiences of my life. Like all friendships, it's case by case. There are shitty people and there are cool people. Your son is an adult and has to learn to distinguish between those. We do live in a world where inter-generational friendships are rare, and maybe that means that there's a higher chance that this guy is odd, but to foreclose on inter-generational friendships seems pretty impoverishing. This guy's background and life experience is probably really different from that of your son. Developing close friendships with people like that is important. Had I not, especially at a young age, I'd be a very different person.

Or he could be a weirdo 🤷

One of my friends of at uni was a woman in her 60s. She told me that in her experience young people who could make friends with mature age students tended to have healthy relationships with their parents.

This is down to his ability to recognise dangerous situations. This is the test of how well you've taught him to protect himself. It's never too late for some last minute cramming, but you also need to make it clear you trust his judgement, or he won't trust your judgement either.

Right you are.

Try to get some advice from people (real people in real life, not internet strangers) outside of your own family.