I was in it for 5 years. I wouldn't have made it another decade. Glad you're on the other side. I hope you can find your emotions, the ones that you have somewhere inside that really care for you in a way you haven't felt all this time.
Also therapy if you can afford it and find one that clicks with you. It's frustratingly helpful in that it doesn't feel like you're doing much but the reinforcement and structure is everything.
And definitely more dates!
I don't get why relationships are such a hsrd requirement for people.
You can be blind to the problems you're facing for a long time. For me it was a combination of her perpetuating abusive behaviors from her youth and me not understanding boundaries and my own avoidance. Outside of that it was right around 2020 so i had a lot of distractions and instability. It took me a long time to realize that the relationship had these problems.
My point is that taking so long to end it had to do with anything except a relationship being a requirement. I do want to be in a relationship but for intimacy, solidarity, vulnerability, company etc... The status doesn't play into it at all.
If those don't make sense to you then that's just as normal. If you're confused by them then look into aromanticism.
Nah, I have been AeroAce for a long time, I realized that I can't really depend on other people, and that outside opinions don't really matter.
I have notes specifically for what I think I did wrong, and will ask others as needed. Otherwise, time and energy are the only real limits.
EDIT: Specifically, I'm not AeroAce, I just see it as selfish desire that I'm not entitled to.
I'm doing some particularly frequent therapy at the moment. Medication management, occupational stuff.
So far I've only met one person on the apps. So I'm working on finding stuff to go to to meet more people. It's a small city, so kind of limited. Can't move because of a kid. That makes it way harder to date too.
But one thing I'm trying to remind myself - I'll be in my 40s when my son is 18. I figure I can probably really safely leave him at home way before that. So maybe in 5 years or so. I had a teacher in his 50's marry another teacher in her late 20s (and they are still together 15 years later) so I'd say there's still time.
Big hugs, friend. You're not alone out here. It gets better. Take your time.
Thank you. Knowing that others have recovered gives me some hope.
Been on one date with someone else.
Congrats ! 🎉
Each step, however small it may seem, away from this abusive person is a great one
Could literally be me but 10 years instead of 15. I hope you’re doing so much better now and that many positive things come your way.
Children need a parent, and some adults never pass that stage.
Fake: anon has girlfriend
Gay: motivated by sticks
It's clearly a step-mom if anything.
(Tho op didn't actually specify Jocastas family details.)
Woof....
That's rough
Puppy girl core
That's not a girlfriend it's a second mother.
Pretty common phenomenon. And it works for some people, there are men who need hand holding and women who want to nurture (or vice versa). I think it would be healthier for OOP to recognize it for what it is though, and also that it's not a universal experience. For example I'd be miserable as either party in that relationship.
Odepus
Well there's a fella who really loved his mother
He spent more time in her than dad did, before he even was born. Guess he got addicted.
Meanwhile, my wife enables my executive dysfunction, saying things like "oh, just do it tomorrow." I have to explain to her, if I don't do it now, it won't get done for a month. Saying it out loud like that seems to give me the motivation to do it now.
Hope this works for you for a long time.
Tho it's good that your wife understands the mechanics behind it.
(Or maybe she already does and you maybe sometimes need the 'tomorrow' & she is looking out for you/managing your dysfunction better than you might think?)
Omg I get that so much.
Also it's a motivation that doesn't "get old" on it's own (other circumstances would have to change).
Nice!
That's reading an awful lot into a post that's both fake and gay
My favorite kink
Anon likes to be dommed
Pre negotiated consensual power exchange? No thanks I want the unhealthy version please
Or even just needs to be to have some quality of life.
Not everyone can have personal assistants.
Don't look for the easy way out of your own maturity. Nobody can tell you who you are better than you. Look for someone who wants to build you up, not control you.
That's beautiful
Having a partner in life makes a huge difference to motivation. I dont really agree with this idea of them leveraging things to force you to act that sounds like a living hell. These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner.
These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner
how i knew i could marry my wife, i wanted to do this.
Amen brother.
As long as they're consenting adults I guess
"I can fix him"
fixes him
There is no fixing here, this is an armed bomb
Joke on my ex fiance. Although it might be on me considering she cheated.
"She could fix others but not herself"
There are different styles of crossing your legs. If you put one knee over the other, that style is often seen as feminine. Compare this with putting one ankle over the other knee (so the top leg is roughly flat) and that is seen as the masculine way.
I do both. Which one depends on the situation.
Lmfao what
One knee over the other is feminine? That's fucking wild because I do it, my brother does it, my dad does it and my mom doesn't.
Guess I better start wearing a kilt and "sitting like a real man" lmfao
If projecting an air of masculinity is important to you, perhaps? There's a lot of subtleties that we socially and often unnoticed project, just ask the trans community.
Ugh, yet another set of social norms to camouflage with.
It's totally a thing, at least in public perception. For example, in Fortnite, there's an emote called "Have a seat." Here's two of my skins doing it: https://i.ibb.co/...
Notice anything? Spike and Chun-Li do totally different animations because they have different gender presentations.
What the flip
Oh well just another thing that masculinity is wrong about.
It’s ridiculous and stupid, I know, but it comes from some pretty basic biology.
Depending upon size/thickness of a person’s thighs, it can be pretty impossible to put one knee over the other without squishing your dick and balls either on top of your legs or tucked underneath them. Wearing tight brief-style underwear, this can lead to situations where someone tries to cross their legs like this and inadvertently squishes their balls - a pretty uncomfortable circumstance in my own experience. Thus people with male genitalia (usually men) tend to prefer to cross their legs with the ankle over the knee to allow their genitals to ‘breathe’ and not be all squished up.
People with vaginas (usually women) in Western societies are also far more likely to wear skirts or dresses. In order to prevent someone having a peek at their underwear (or lack thereof) while wearing a skirt/dresses and sitting, these people are more likely to put one knee over the other.
Again, attempting to measure masculinity or femininity by this one preference is utterly stupid, but there are reasons why this behavioural pattern has become commonplace in Western societies. I (cis man) tend to do both in different circumstances; usually dependent upon weather, underwear and outer clothing I’m wearing.
I guess I can't stand briefs because I need the extra room. So when I cross my legs, junk just falls as it should and no squish.
Plus if I do the ankle cross my foot always falls asleep. That's typically a better way to make a fool of myself.
I am always cowboy style, could not fathom sitting like I wear a skirt.
The real reason it's my stuff gets upside down and it's too warm in the pants woman style.
Manspreading? I have no idea.
Sounds awful. Fuck all of that.
Yeah, no. That is not what I signed up for.
We do lift each other up, it's not a one way thing. Can advise, and do, and he does with me too. So sure, I am willing to make suggestions and he always wants me to do stuff like style his wardrobe, do all the interior design, etc., yeah I'm down, my eye is better. He plans all the trips, his mom was a travel agent.
But would not dream of using sex as a lever, because I want sex for sex.
And I sure as fuck don't want another kid, I want a partner.
Hey, if two (or more) people are making each other happy and doing well, right on. Yea that "traditional " style of relationship isnt for me. Especially the idea of withholding conversation or sex as punishment. Well, if it was kink minded then maybe, but I digress.
Anywhoots, being in a happy stable relationship certainly helped me get some of my act together. Hopefully i wont fully come apart the seams right now.
Like, someone is angry, so they dont talk for awhile? They are sad, so maybe no fuckey tonight? Etc. Thats fine. I dont mean to say they should always be talking or fucking.
Withholding to punish, or to steer the partner a certain way is what seems problamatic.
Yeah, like that.
My point being, what we end up saying is that two people could do exactly the same thing, but it is only acceptable if there is no premeditation and everything is completely emotional.
I feel like we are making the same point
That's half of codependence?
Depends if the newly-formed habits persist whenever she lets up.
"i want to improve more for others than for myself" isn't fantastic, but it's pointing in the right direction
More in the right direction than the wrong but still not the right direction entirely. It needs to come from within to be strong and lasting.
Plus that isn't what's happening here, he's being a child who is also being emotionally and sexually manipulated.
It can be unimaginably, uncomprehendingly better than just the 'I don't care about myself' state tho, if that is the best they can manage or perhaps even as a step on the gradual path of self-worth/healing - that is amazing!
Don't dismiss 'getting slightly better' as a failure bcs it's not immediately resulting in the prefect best-case end scenario/state.
We are all on a journey.
"I can fix him"
A lot of women get off on the idea of "flawed but ultimately good man is saved by woman's love and support." It's a whole trope.
Looked at from a more autistic angle (we are on Lemmy, after all), we can imagine women's options of men as a matrix. On one axis: is a jerk/is not a jerk. On the other: has shit together/does not have shit together.
Supposing you are a woman of average dating appeal in your market, you will initially be attracted to guys who have their shit together. This makes sense, and is the premise of your comment - why would a woman date a guy who doesn't have his shit together? But you run into a problem: guys who have their shit together and aren't jerks have a lot of options. They are either quickly removed from the dating market, or else they have no reason to settle down with any one particular woman - least of all one who is completely average. So an average woman looking for a long term partner among guys who have their shit together will find the market flooded with jerks.
After dating a few jerks and finding their jerk-ness doesn't improve with time, you will start considering your other option: guys who don't have their shit together, but are nice. Sure this guy always has a sink full of dirty dishes and has never thought of asking for a raise at his job - but he's appreciative enough that he has any woman in his life that you can feel secure knowing he won't beat you or belittle you or cheat on you or leave you. You just have to get him to do his dishes or whatever, which is a more solveable problem than training a jerk to not be a jerk.
I believe OPs story is how it originally worked in a lot of traditional marriages. Women stays home but keeps a close eye on any business activity her man does. Since he earns a lot of money when he's productive, she tries to keep him productive by pushing him in the right way. That's how marriage worked. That was a long time ago, however, and such a strategy would not make sense today because people rarely stay together long enough for such a game to pay off for the women.
I agree that if your partner really wants to build you up, that it can help getting honest feedback from your significant other; i have changed a lot of things to make living together work better. But the way anon describes it sounds insufferable and more like he likes being dominated; also, it can put you under constant stress if the demands are unreasonable or don't respect your needs.
Fuck, I love being single and living by myself.
I don't need someone telling me not to be a slob to get things done, but having someone around all the time makes me more aware of my better behaviours and function better.
Weird. I had the opposite experience.
Used to have gfs. They constantly nagged me to don't work out, to not get a better job, to drink, to smoke, and party. oh and don't have friends they don't like and don't do anything that doesn't involve them. i was always trying to get us to get better jobs, take classes, try new things, try new places, etc. They would have NONE of it. Having goals and wanting to do stuff in life made me some sort of huge asshole to them.
I've been single 6 years and my salary has gone up 250%. in the decade I was dating women... it went up like 10%. and i am fitter, stronger, have lots of cool hobbies and i volunteer a lot. I also have pets and own a home. Only thing I don't have in life that I want is a wife/child.
And when I try to date... i just meet women who think all that shit is gross. I already went on three dates this month and got told by each woman that I was 'too put together and active and serious about life'. they just want someone to get drunk with on the weekends. I don't. I can't seem to find any women to date who actually want to be an active participant in their own life.
I know you aren’t asking for advice but many people search for partners in places that only have 1 type of person. For example you don’t look for a wife at the club or you don’t look for a party animal at church.
Sounds like you are looking for a certain type of person in exactly the opposite place you should be looking.
i am not looking for any type of person or in any particular place.
i just tend to attract women who are losers. even rich losers. i've dated women who had way more money than me who constantly compared about how broke they were and how hard/difficult their life was how I should make more money so they can sit at home no their ass and do nothing. these were doctors/lawyers even.
it's a very common mentality among USA women, esp single ones.
Also note that i've observed that there's whole swaths of areas which seem to have the same/similar personality type. Like, i grew up in some backwards country village, and all the people there seemed to have a very specific type of mentality that i didn't share (which is why i hated it there). Note: i was an immigrant child. After moving to the big city, i met much more like-minded people, and everything got better.
My lesson is: In some areas, even large parts of land, people are very similar and if you don't get along with them, it's probably best if you move somewhere completely else instead of trying to stay and make friends with them.
Meh. It's more finding the person that compliments you. Your SO should compliment you so your weaknesses are less pronounced and likewise you should do that with your SO.
A rising tide lifts all boats.
Something similar kinda happened to me. I was socially inactive. She was very social and regularly meeting up with friends and brought me along with her. I get on with her friends very well actually. She also encouraged me to arrange time so she can meet my friends, too. She really turned my life around. Then she was forced to leave the country because she couldn't get a visa to stay, as the visa rules were tightened - despite her having a job and a master's degree.
Anon learns the joys of being a pet
When you put it like that... 😅
Pet does not sound too bad, sex is optional.
Are those divorce bells I'm hearing?
"she will get bored" a.k.a. she is young and wants to make lots of different experiences in life.
what if she's older and has already made these experiences?
oh boy do i have news for you ...
it's actually a lot easier to find a partner who guides you on the right path of life through love and support instead of just being abusive
I don't want my girlfriend to tell me how to do anything, I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself. But her input is appreciated.
ADHD folk - just get an SO that can manage your bs brainhole shenanigans, ez win(-win?).
I sent this to my GF because it aligns with our relationship and works great. She reminded me to call the dentist to get my root canal done and I know she'll remind me again when I invariably forget because I hate dentist but love dicking her down.
This is funny because some women have this mentality where sex is a tool to wield. Other view it as a humiliation ritual that men need to go through for several days, sometimes weeks until the “mood strikes”. There are pros and cons to both but I think most men would prefer the former.
Personally, I prefer dating a woman who has sex with me when she wants to because she wants to. Fuck these manipulative head games.
Sounds like executive dysfunction, he doesn't need the military, he needs medicine.
No that's for the other ED
@sh.itjust.works
This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.
Be warned:
If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.
go to feed...
@sh.itjust.works
This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.
Be warned:
If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.
go to feed...
On a serious note, having been that guy, this is the worst experience ever.
15 years of slowly being convinced being who I was, was wrong. 15 years of being told she was normal, what I wanted wasn't. 15 years of isolation. 15 years brainwashing. 15 years of ever building self doubt.
Then she cheated on me.
Somehow I haven't been in grippy socks yet. Pretty fucking close though with the outpatient stuff I do. Been on one date with someone else.
Edit: A greentext post of all places to get this wonderful support. 🥲
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