• "if I die, I die holding vampire smut"

• "I guess he's going to fist fight the helicopter"

From Shadowrun but still...

"Its not terrorism, its a distract spell thats materials involve C4 and a bridge"

"But I don't have a cloaca."

Context, if you want it: ::: spoiler spoiler I was playing a frost giant fighter, and I found a dragon egg. I asked the town vet (who the DM made up on the spot) how I could hatch the egg and raise the dragon as my own. The vet told me that dragons cannot be tamed, and that dragons bond with their mothers in the womb, and then, the egg must be laid. My line, "But I don't have a cloaca", and the vet shrugs. Queue Always Sunny theme music, "The Gang Kidnaps a Druid". In the end, I gave birth to my dragon buddy, and I named him Pellinore, and we had many great adventures until I found a bell that reversed aging, and Pellinore turned back into an egg, and the campaign ended before he hatched, again. I'm GMing the new campaign that is all homebrew, and Pellinore is making a comeback, though. :::

I guess this isn't NO context but:

Innkeeper married to a nixie: “The Fey never do anything without a price...”

“... How much did you pay for your wife?”

"How is this bow cursed? We built it ourselves... with sinew from a drow... that we tortured to death. Yeah, okay. It's cursed."

From Divinity Original Sin 2 co-op. Not my campaign, but I was wheezing for five minutes from this:

"So are we the bad guys?"
"I don't know, but I'm about to kill her with her own dad."

• "I think that Ashenthroat guy might be a Dragon in disguise"
• "Kill it!!! But don't hurt it, awwww."
• "Don't worry GM, I wont make you improvise info on every single soldier NPC. - Ok, so you there, what's your name and why are you here?"
• "If we take every hostile NPC we come across prisoner to await a 100% death-sentence, instead of killing them here and now, we'll have to start building concentration camps soon and I don't know if that's actually better or worse."
• "Maybe don't kill the beast?" - "Too late, running now!"
• "Gentlemen, can't we solve this peacefully?" - "Yes, of course, we're always ready to talk. But only if it ends with you dead." - "You seemed to have missed the point there."

"Is this because we didn't have sex yet?"

"If he seduces something from the mineral kingdom now, he's collected the whole set."

"I cast longsword!"

"Does the paladin's piss count as holy water?"

"You described the mech as being similar to a Gundam. So it's a mobile suit? Does that mean I'm technically wearing it on my person?"

"Watch out for the ass-grabbing ghosts!"

"I struggle like a dog being given a pill."

"No, don't activate your telepathy! I don't want your mind-herpes!"

"Wait, why is a duck that lays eggs named Mr. Quackers?" "Mr. Quackers can be whatever he wants!"

"I cast Prestidigitation and pee his pants."

"Hey Nyarlathotep, wanna see something funny?"

"Is it okay if I have an anger problem?"

"I shout at the door."

"I lift the spyglass so my rat can see."

"Does the rat look through the spyglass?"

"It's hard to tell."

"I aim the paper airplane at the crowd."

"IS CHILD ABUSE WRONG? LIKE ME CHECK MY CHAIM.

...

NO."

"Is there a cat nearby?"

"Like, a normal cat?"

"Yeah."

"It's a mansion, I don't see why not. Yeah, let's say there's a cat."

"Is anyone looking?"

[DM, suddenly filled with concern] "... no...?"

"I will teach these halfling savages the meaning of private property!"

• "Does my gaydar tell me anything about how to get back to civilisation?"
• "Listen up, Poundland-Sundowner"
• "So wait, I blew up the mayor's house and my punishment is I'm made into a college professor?"
• "Now back to mare's milk"

"I could feed him my candy cane to revive him"

“Shut the door, things are gonna get weird”

• Can the bread make a will save?

• No, you're still prone. You used Dimension Slide, not Dimension Rotate.

• Will a Limited Wish spell prevent you from being brain damaged?

My character hasn't noticed the living bushes and decides to take his morning shit behind them

DM: not sure if I should count this as an attack

I’m a mod over at !outofcontextdnd@lemmy.world and would love to see some activity! I started it to keep track of some of my own group’s quotes, but the group has been on a two week break for the past four or five months now.

What kind of man buys another man juice?!

"In my experience, magic doesn't like metal. It needs to be flesh."

• "there are no werewolves in the god damn park"
• "Fuck you I'm going to the Prince for this"..."ow hey why are you hitting me!?"
• "This has been a weirdly sexual night"
• "The sword of Cain has fallen and it fell where it pleased!"
• "If you do that you're gonna have to drop your alignment to chaotic evil"
• "Turns out i can afford a rocket launcher"

"Well, you see, the dragon killed thousands, indirectly through their cold buns"

I'm sorry you were born pretty!

Me: So my hands are bound?

DM: Yes.

Me: And I'm under the influence of a "Command"-like spell?

DM: Yes.

Me: And the command is to follow them to the prison?

DM: Yes.

Me: I'd like to try and fall on my face, beard first.

"The troll bouncer is gay. Your attempt to seduce him fails and he puts you in a headlock."

This isn't strictly no context, but it blew me away and I wanted to share it anyway.

I started D&D with the family over quarantine. They had a quest to clear the goblins out of a mine. They got inside and dealt with most of them. They over powered three of them and tied them up, so that they could be interrogated.

My 9 year old then decides he wants to murder them.

Our faces when we realised our child was a murderhobo.

"It's just a rocket launcher inside a small room. How bad can the results be?"

"why are you so blessedly free of snot?"

We used to keep a quote book of these random acts of hilarity... Good times.

"it's not a nuke, is just a AOE building remover"

"we need a bigger nuke"

In a oneshot of Monster Of The Week:

"Did The Organisation^TM^ supply us with a flamethrower?"

Roll 9

DM: Ok you have a 9", ribbed pink Zeltronian cock

If all four of us work together we could drag the door.

“Yes, I know the door is locked. I open it anyway.”

I have several, but my favorite is probably "I am this group's current resident expert on whatever the hell that thing is!"

"No, I'm annoyed. But the guy eating my arm? He's pissed. Meet the Flaming Asshole of Azzazoth."

“Would a handjob be a dexterity roll?”

I never said that ring was for your finger

"I'm going to walk back to the lake to have an existential crisis. Oh and on the way I cast Polymorph and turn our Ranger into a spider."

His hammer, not more than one standard deviation from average...

In a Palpatine voice: "Spicy beef"
"Have you ever thought 'I'm kinda hungry, but not hungry enough to eat a whole potato'?"
"I don't like the wanking corner"

"i thought this plan was foolproof, but i genuinely forgot about doors"

Man, we ended up setting up a wiki for all the ones from my last campaign... it's down at the moment, but here are a few I have saved on my phone:

"My companions and I are professional adventurers"

"Some of us more professional than others..."

"For no sexy reason, what does the pope look like?"

"Also, I'm not doing terrible! But I definitely just got stabbed."

Bard: "No, this is wholesome [Bard] moment! Anyway, how much money do you have?"

Sorcerer: "[Ranger], we are about to do some wacky-ass magic"

Ranger: "In that case, I would like to watch it from over there."

Sorcerer: "I will not be doing it. I will be joining you."

GM: "Divine and wild magic start pouring into and it's like... Have you ever licked a battery?"

GM: "Divine, chaos, and dragon magic flows through you—"

Bard: "And bardic from the inspiration!"

Ranger: "Oh I can add some ranger nature!"

Sorcerer: "And I have one that can help! I cast minor illusion to make a "do not disturb" sign."

"If I take one more step, it'll be the furthest I've ever been from home..."

"You didn't even have to step."

"If I take one more interdimensional vortex..."

"Your left or my left? You're an orb."

"I am."

"Float like a flowerpot, sting like a school bus."

This is excellent. Bahamut junior got me.

"Give me a hit from the corpse bong."

I take the boner pills.

"We're the harem inspectors."

Fuck you, Kim. Respectfully.

"DM, are we on drugs?"

“Ok you did an excellent and flawless swing

Unfortunately the enemy is 100 feet away so you missed”

“Oh”

“Also they attack aaaand…. You’re dead”

“Oh”

Because i am incapable of giving no context

Do you think it has a cloaca or the normal two holes... Wait what do lizards have? .... Discussion before attacking a green dragon.

It's the French you made along the way.

Wanting to fuck your sister isn't a good enough excise to do a genocide.

Oi kid, wanna have some candy?

We play over, whatever video conference program Google uses, it has auto transcription as a "service" (fuck you Google, but thanks for the ability to connect with friends I guess? Mind your own game business though please?)

When we take breaks sometime we read the logs and try to figure out what was actually said from the "transcript" it's delightful in its incompetence, we sometimes find ourselves reading the chat logs more than rolling the dice.

“Birdie, I need a pipe bomb”

NPC: “It’s my job” Player: “everybody check your asses for bugs!”

“Why TF does it have thoughts, it’s not Rattatootoot”

(In the thickest Russian accent): “Still your fault, fuck you!”

“Fuck it, all the gnomes are French now, hon hon hon motherfucker”

P1: ”He checked my dick, my dick was fine” P2: ‘He sucked it dry it was so sublime’

”Can I store things in the dog?”

NPC: “Where are you going to get a baby dragon?” Player: “We’re going to make one”

Player character is presented with his twin brother‘s corpse on a platter.

„Hmmm… needs more oregano.“

Paging @Jesus_666@lemmy.world for more from that campaign because I‘m tired and can’t think of any but there was a lot.

"The monk is dodging a rave!?"

"I am the ring of ram, now strap me to the ballista"

"The paladin doesn't know, put it on his tab"

"How many rats can I keep on me?"

"All right, it seems that Bob cannot speak, so instead we're going to talk to the next best thing: The chair"

Context: Bob was a guy that was imprisoned on a chair of living wood at a living wood teatable. When he tried to speak, flowers came out of his mouth instead. This sentence was uttered by our bard when he asked the druid to cast Speak with Plants on the living chair.

I'm running out of the house screaming like a banshee that just discovered cocaine.

We’re all in a B-26 waiting to perform a HALO jump

GM: The “go-no-go” light is red Player #1: I jump… Player #2: aren’t we supposed to wait for the green light?

"The illusory rabbit barbarian plants its feet, hefts its axe, rears back its head... and squeaks."

Angry rabbit familiar: (absolutely living for it)

My cowardly wizard: (so damn proud of her for finally making a dude piss his pants)

Dragon cultist: (confused screaming)

The first line in one of my campaigns from a player:

"It seems you have been given the test of race, and you have failed"