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Foolproof advice

a year ago by sus to c/lemmyshitpost

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spiffynova 287 points a year ago

We all know that won't work. Try this instead.

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Kolanaki 119 points a year ago

"Are you ovulating? I have cheese if you are."

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SpruceBringsteen 76 points a year ago

Yes, that one there officer. He tried to put a Kraft Single in my bra.

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lime 69 points a year ago

no wonder it didn't work, that's not even cheese

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Asidonhopo 20 points a year ago

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outhouseperilous 2 points a year ago

He failed though. Arrest him, and bring me someone taller.

Edit: or better at jump shots.

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Remember_the_tooth 27 points a year ago

To be fair, cheese works on most people, whether or not they're ovulating.

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krunklom -3 points a year ago

The cheese is under my foreskin

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Spezi 40 points a year ago

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DharmaCurious 15 points a year ago

Would marry that farmer. No questions asked, no long engagement. Straight to the court house, we're getting hitched.

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hovercat 15 points a year ago

That's kind of an insane gift for a first date given how expensive cheese is.

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LH0ezVT 12 points a year ago

I mean, if he makes it himself or knows the people who do, he probably gets it a lot cheaper than at the store.

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bitjunkie 5 points a year ago

True love right there

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kilgore_trout -3 points a year ago

Bro, plastic cheese…

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Homesnatch 20 points a year ago

Bro, that's cheese coated in wax.

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oyo 10 points a year ago

It blows my mind that someone cool, intelligent, and attractive enough to read Vonnegut doesn't know such a basic cheese fact.

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Swedneck 1 point a year ago

i mean it does also seem to be wrapped in plastic

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Washedupcynic 28 points a year ago

Fun fact, the digestion of milk/cheese creates casomorphins from caesin, one of the most prominent peptides in milk. Casomorphins can activate opioid receptors. Giving a woman a slice of cheese might work in your benefit if she eats the cheese.

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Feathercrown 5 points a year ago

I read that as "a slice of milk" and like. Technically yeah it's not wrong

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JackFrostNCola 3 points a year ago

Wait, all opiods? If so does that man that heroin addicts could have a few slices of cheese and use less smack? Gotta have the healthier option, ya know

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Washedupcynic 2 points a year ago

A heroin addict is taking way more opioids than he would make endogenously from eating a piece of cheese. Cheese contains tryptophan, an amino acid that is a precursor to serotonin, a neurotransmitter associated with mood regulation. It also contains tyrosine, which is a precursor to dopamine, another neurotransmitter involved in pleasure and reward. Additionally, cheese is high in fat, which can stimulate the release of endorphins, hormones that have mood-boosting effects. Cheese contains many ingredients that activates at least 3 signaling pathways involved in boosting mood.

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kerrigan778 16 points a year ago

Yeah but this one unironically works for a lot of women.

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Etterra 5 points a year ago

Works for a lot of men too. I mean not me. I prefer mozzarella.

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Sunschein 15 points a year ago

Idk, this piece of advice legitimately works on my wife.

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BlueLineBae 14 points a year ago

That shoe one just reminded me that when we bought our house and had to start renovations on it, the attic had lots of women's shoes. Just one shoe from a pair and all different shoes. I have so many questions for the previous owner, but unfortunately they are no longer with us.

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SolarMonkey 5 points a year ago

If they were all the same size, perhaps amputee?

Or maybe a really specific fetish.

Maybe both.

Quite possibly a question best left unanswered, at least until you no longer live there

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Etterra 2 points a year ago

Maybe they robbed a shoe store. On displays they frequently leave one shoe from a pair so that stealing them just nets you a pile of left shoes lol

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outhouseperilous 11 points a year ago

My ex gf and i used to steal each other fancy cheeses. It was the most intense love i have ever felt.

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DharmaCurious 7 points a year ago

My mom and I used to steal fancy cheese for each other. God I miss that woman like you can't believe. 10/10 mom and person.

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outhouseperilous 4 points a year ago

This made me cry.

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DharmaCurious 4 points a year ago

Ha. She's one worth crying over. Lost her in April, and I don't know that I'll recover. Hug your loved ones. ♥️

But I will tell you, she taught me how to steal fantastic cheeses, and we never went hungry again. Haha.

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icelimit 3 points a year ago

How do you steal each other fancy cheeses? Or steal fancy cheese from each other?

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outhouseperilous 4 points a year ago

So, you steal a fancy cheese, right? Then you give it to your girlfriend. Then maybe she steals a fancy cheese that reminds her of you and passes it off. Now youve stolen each other fancy cheeses.

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icelimit 4 points a year ago

From where though? The fancy cheese store? Does every town have one of these for purposes of romantic theft?

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faythofdragons 9 points a year ago

I like the idea that these are all steps to one process. Like, you gotta steal her shoe and some hair and pins, and the best distraction is with cheese.

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achance4cheese 8 points a year ago

Fascinating

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cypherpunks 1 point a year ago

🖖

also: username checks out

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madjo 4 points a year ago

I keep stealing shoes, and filling it with rue, but all it's given me are shouting matches

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Etterra 3 points a year ago

I tried this with my fiance with a dairy allergy and now I'm single again.

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krunklom 2 points a year ago

Bitches love cheddar

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Aceticon 1 point a year ago

The stinkier the cheese, the more the fascination!

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kadaverin0 206 points a year ago

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Klear 60 points a year ago

That sounds like Strong Bad's alter ego.

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Denjin 28 points a year ago

The Cheat is vacuuming.

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StupidBrotherInLaw 4 points a year ago

The Cheat is ovulating.

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CoryCoolguy 31 points a year ago

No relation.

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Venus_Ziegenfalle 88 points a year ago

In the unlikely event that she reacts poorly she might be on her period. You should ask her to make sure though.

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LemmyThinkAboutIt 31 points a year ago

And if the woman happens to overreact to the period question, just politely tell her to calm down.

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icelimit 18 points a year ago

If she doesn't, tell her she's acting crazy.

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MajorasTerribleFate 11 points a year ago

Bonus points if you instead say she is being hysterical.

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ivanafterall 5 points a year ago

Some females respond better to positive reinforcement. Ask her to give you a little spin/twirl to break the tension and get her moving.

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Aceticon 8 points a year ago

... not forgetting to add a term of endearement, such as "sweetie", "honey" or "babe".

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bitjunkie 7 points a year ago

I think "toots" has been overlooked in this comment

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outhouseperilous 19 points a year ago

Yeah i always take stock and usually calm down when a guy im arguing with points that out.

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Zozano 70 points a year ago
  • Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman sexually
  • Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman financially
  • Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman bureaucratically
  • Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman maliciously
  • Top 10: Ways to flirt with a woman abstractly

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prole 17 points a year ago

bureaucratically

Please complete forn 69-J (in triplicate) if you'd like to grab dinner.

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cows_are_underrated 9 points a year ago

Sex has to be announced 2 weeks prior using the relevant form.

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ArsonButCute 7 points a year ago

69-J?

Did you fill out and submit duplicates of your Unsubtle Innuendo Requisition Request Form?

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angrystego 5 points a year ago

You definitely need to get Permit A 38 first.

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Lemminary 2 points a year ago

You know what, I think I'll file my taxes instead.

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MystikIncarnate 14 points a year ago

Oh. Can I see the abstractly list?

Sounds fun

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daggermoon 9 points a year ago

I was also curious about the abstractly. Release the list.

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petrol_sniff_king 12 points a year ago

I found this one.

1. Assume interesting shapes

Hard to understand geometry can inspire curiosity. Intrigue her by adding more complexity to your configuration!

2. Playfully interact with her as different people

Hate to break it to you, guys, but not having a personality isn't going to impress anyone. What will impress a lot of people is having 7, 8 or 9 different personalities that come and go as the mood changes.

3. Get close!

Close bonds often reflect a close geography, so try to be in the same room she's in as much as possible. If she wanders into the kitchen for a soda, wander in yourself to wash your hands. If she's talking to a friend in the hallway, talk to a different friend in the same hallway.

4. Be funny

Comedy can be extrapolated from this base formula:

P = ¬P

Such an expression being true would require the dissolution of all fundamental axioms of logic and reason, and is therefore funny. Try explaining this to her.

5. Be mysterious

Nothing is more sexy than a masked man of mystery. Show her how mysterious you are by playing ominous sounds while describing a job you don't know you have, and people you don't remember speaking to!

6. Be

The best way to make yourself available to a woman is to have an existential presence in our natural world.

7. Share the things you have in common

Impress her by ovulating with her!

8. Don't be afraid to be saucy

Demonstrate your wild side by flopping about or rubbing against nearby objects and furniture.

But don't get carried away. Being too floppy can be off-putting. Try to match her level of floppiness.

9. Gifts make the heart grow fonder

Gifts are a great way to establish a connection and to show how much you care. Try giving her the gift of self-love, or the depth of pure sadness. You could also teach her to be less co-dependent!

10. Try MDMA!

Ecstacy looks really weird in movies. This could be a great way to experience something new together!

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ivanafterall 4 points a year ago

You probably saved the whole date/relationship right at the end there.

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TheRealLinga 5 points a year ago

release the abstractly files

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LH0ezVT 5 points a year ago

I want to know how to maliciously flirt. Hey sexy, want to come to my place and stick your fingers in the power outlet?

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ivanafterall 5 points a year ago

Negging, maybe?

"Damn, you vacuum so well... for an ovulating female."

That kind of thing.

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rob_t_firefly 8 points a year ago

Tell her "three yellow squares in a row, and beneath them a big purple circle." Next thing you know, you're being passionately shagged.

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Ramenator 3 points a year ago

Shagged or stabbed?

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MystikIncarnate 2 points a year ago

For some, there's little difference.

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TheBat 63 points a year ago

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Cruxifux 56 points a year ago

This has to be satire.

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wander1236 52 points a year ago

There's no way that last sentence especially isn't satire

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AdolfSchmitler 9 points a year ago

I thought so too until I went to the website and I still couldn't tell :/

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Cruxifux 7 points a year ago

There’s lots of really fucking stupid people out there so who knows.

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thrawn 6 points a year ago

It’s not. It’s from 2008 and the site is still posting weird shit now.

Here’s an archive of this particular tip, the others are cringe too. So are the comments

Edit: there was a dating tips newsletter too

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outhouseperilous 3 points a year ago

It's not. This has worked on me four times.

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Walk_blesseD 3 points a year ago

I am once again asking lemmy users to check what community they're in before commenting

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Cruxifux 8 points a year ago

I understand the user is using this as a shitpost but that doesn’t mean the original content was for sure satire. It could also just be written by an idiot. Shitposts and idiot generated content are not mutually exclusive.

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outhouseperilous -7 points a year ago

You can't really expect consciousness from straight cis men.

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Electricd 5 points a year ago

A bit of sexism, wouldn't be funny otherwise, right?

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outhouseperilous -5 points a year ago

Yeah thats absolutely what that is. You're so good at reading.

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ileftreddit 50 points a year ago

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db2 17 points a year ago

It's typo progressive for him. He's the "your wife shouldn't get wet" type.

Edit: autocorrect fail in the worst/best way there

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outhouseperilous 7 points a year ago

Dont get her wet, don't feed her after midnight. Hes very strict about rules for his wife.

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LookBehindYouNowAndThen 46 points a year ago

Sounds condescending. Why not just compliment her ovipositor?

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BeigeAgenda 28 points a year ago

Madam, my compliments to your ovaries 🎩💪🏼🥚🙇

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Denjin 26 points a year ago

My dear, your claoca looks especially receptive this fine evening.

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Ceedoestrees 14 points a year ago

Why, thank you, I've just been to the remora. And might I say what a stable dorsal fin you have.

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bitjunkie 2 points a year ago

Pretty sure that's my first gag-upvote. Thanks, I guess.

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ThrowawayPermanente 41 points a year ago

Community Note: This is actually bad advice that will get you stabbed

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ToiletFlushShowerScream 12 points a year ago

You're right, and I find it hilarious that this needs to be noted.

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Malfeasant 4 points a year ago

Can confirm, was stabbed.

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dis_honestfamiliar 40 points a year ago

Oh yeah. Zero chance of back fire. Zero. Had sex all my life - once with a women. Trust me.

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Noodle07 23 points a year ago

once with a women. Trust me.

Stop bragging

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WorldsDumbestMan 36 points a year ago

This is like when you teach someone that a swear is a greeting in a foreign language

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MystikIncarnate 12 points a year ago

🖕 peace among worlds!

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CheerfulPassionFruit 35 points a year ago

The sad thing is that some people will take this advice.

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blarghly 38 points a year ago

What's sad about learning something new and getting laid?

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Denjin 28 points a year ago

Please fertilise my egg, I just vacuumed.

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blarghly 13 points a year ago

Certainly, m'lady!

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CheerfulPassionFruit 17 points a year ago

I sincerely hope you're /s ing.

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blarghly 23 points a year ago

Lol. I hoped that would be obvious.

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thomasloven 16 points a year ago

Hi. Welcome to the Internet.

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Cruxifux 8 points a year ago

Kids these days don’t remember the internet before /s, where you had to use context to tell of someone was being sarcastic or not.

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Mouselemming 5 points a year ago

And some woman will have a good laugh and a narrow escape

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ValiantDust 30 points a year ago

Yes, please do that. So we are immediately aware that we should get away as fast as possible.

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itslola 29 points a year ago

TIL I ovulate every Sunday 😂😅

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outhouseperilous 11 points a year ago

Where the fuck do you keep all the eggs? Do you have a walk in fridge?

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madjo 7 points a year ago

In europe we store our eggs unrefrigerated

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outhouseperilous 1 point a year ago

The chicken ones, sure, but are all your climates mild enough that they hatch like that?

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iii 4 points a year ago

Congrats! 🎉🎉🌻

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StupidBrotherInLaw 4 points a year ago

Every day here and I don't even have ovaries!

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ivanafterall 2 points a year ago

Possibly like "false pregnancy" in dogs?

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StupidBrotherInLaw 3 points a year ago

I'm in heat thanks to climate change.

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shalafi 25 points a year ago

Rings true to me. My wife never vacuums and is past menopause.

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Etterra 21 points a year ago

Not sure if AI or just incredibly stupid.

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entropicdrift 26 points a year ago

Pretty sure it's a joke.

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Etterra 20 points a year ago

We live in a post irony world and I literally can't tell the difference without knowing the source.

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glitch1985 8 points a year ago

Why not both?

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Etterra 3 points a year ago

Of course, I forgot answer C. All of the above.

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cows_are_underrated 19 points a year ago

We all love some good ol' mansplainimg.

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Lemminary 8 points a year ago

I have a sudden urge to vacuum, and without ovaries! 😍

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SoloCritical 6 points a year ago

Vacuuming? Are you ovulating or something?

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RagingRobot 3 points a year ago

So you just like to suck then? ;)

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thebudman420 18 points a year ago

I feel sorry for any guy dumb enough to try this. Also my friends mom when i was 13 vacuumed every day and rearranged all furniture and vacuumed behind everything once a week.

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path: 0 19277648, hotness: undefined, score: 18, children: 1
StarvingMartist 30 points a year ago

Wow what a cycle that must have sucked

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path: 0 19277648 19278719, hotness: undefined, score: 30, children: 0
omniman 18 points a year ago

if i fill her in will she respectfully become my gf ?

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path: 0 19275565, hotness: undefined, score: 18, children: 4
BottleCaptain 11 points a year ago

No, for that you have to fill her up.

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path: 0 19275565 19275954, hotness: undefined, score: 11, children: 3
omniman 11 points a year ago

Fill her up with love 🥺👉👈

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path: 0 19275565 19275954 19276129, hotness: undefined, score: 11, children: 2
And009 1 point a year ago

Few squirts of liquid love

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path: 0 19275565 19275954 19276129 19285586, hotness: undefined, score: 1, children: 1
omniman 1 point a year ago

Real

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path: 0 19275565 19275954 19276129 19285586 19285974, hotness: undefined, score: 1, children: 0
QuoVadisHomines 17 points a year ago

This is for betas. It says so in the upper right corner.

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path: 0 19277171, hotness: undefined, score: 17, children: 0
Formfiller 13 points a year ago

Damn I guess I’ve never ovulated in my life

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path: 0 19282834, hotness: undefined, score: 13, children: 0
betterdeadthanreddit 12 points a year ago

"No, stop, where are you going? I have it on very good authority that you enjoy this!"

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path: 0 19276899, hotness: undefined, score: 12, children: 0
Gork 11 points a year ago

This must be why the site is still in Beta

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path: 0 19275946, hotness: undefined, score: 11, children: 1
hexabs 12 points a year ago

I'm surprised they fought the urge to stay alpha forever

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path: 0 19275946 19276019, hotness: undefined, score: 12, children: 0
LolaCat 9 points a year ago

Poe's law

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path: 0 19275656, hotness: undefined, score: 9, children: 0
Geodad 8 points a year ago

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path: 0 19289368, hotness: undefined, score: 8, children: 1
MystikIncarnate 1 point a year ago

Username is definitely relevant. :)

I would consider your comment to be far more truthful and accurate than what is pictured in the OP.

Have a good day.

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path: 0 19289368 19289482, hotness: undefined, score: 1, children: 0
MyDogLovesMe 6 points a year ago

My wife always, always wanted pasta right before her period. It was always a good warning flag for her/us. So, this thread is a bit believable, …for me.

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path: 0 19278346, hotness: undefined, score: 6, children: 3
ethaver 6 points a year ago

yeah it seems like one of those things where you'll probably almost definitely see some kind of behavioral change, but what specifically is basically completely up in the air. My chronic suicidal ideation will flare up really bad right before I begin menstruating. Having an IUD means menstruating a lot less but it also makes it less predictable. So I'll be in this deep dark hole for a few days that I would swear up and down is the worst I've ever felt and it's never gonna get any better then one morning I'm taking a piss and my boxers have blood on them and I'm just like "...ooooooh."

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path: 0 19278346 19282991, hotness: undefined, score: 6, children: 0
toynbee 6 points a year ago

I pretty much always want pasta... Maybe I'm always experiencing menses.

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path: 0 19278346 19279152, hotness: undefined, score: 6, children: 0
mere 5 points a year ago

hang on, I feel there could be false positives there. Did she ever want pasta when she wasn't on her period?

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path: 0 19278346 19279791, hotness: undefined, score: 5, children: 0
Sam_Bass 2 points a year ago

Suckers gonna suck

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path: 0 19277023, hotness: undefined, score: 2, children: 0
Winter_Oven 1 point a year ago

Feels like an example of crabs in a bucket

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path: 0 19277342, hotness: undefined, score: 1, children: 0
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