Work and hobbies

What do you enjoy doing that’s not work and not “adulting”?

Find a hobby. Then find a group that shares that hobby. Clean up a park day, maybe.

Or find a charity or nonprofit that needs volunteers.

The local library probably has things going on, too.

Find a third space whether it’s the magic the gsthering shop and shop tournies or church or a knitting circle ran by the local yarn shop.

Work and shared hobbies. I recently went to buy some hardwood from a work colleague. We don’t even work the same shift but they’re fond of asking what I’m building or showing me what they’re building because who else are they going to talk to about their hobby (I imagine).

We’re not friends, but there’s this hobby. I get there and it’s not a mere business transaction nor do we talk work. It almost had a kid feel to it. Like when you crossed the hedge to the yard of the kid next door and he welcomes you because it’s more fun if you can show off and share your toys. Only as adults. Kudos on reclaiming a small piece of that.

Adulthood is such a roadblock sometimes.

I'm guessing you don't want to hear "the bar".

Hobby groups. For board games, hiking, sports, etc.

You already have a shared interest, makes things easier.

Volunteer. Audition for community theater. Get a job. Join a hiking group. Take an adult learning class. Download a dating app. Get yourself out there.

For me, it was always through work. Meeting co-workers after work, and meeting other people that way.

You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.

Get a hobby, go to events, find social circles, and drink at the sort of bars you can chat with strangers at.

I met my wife at a dungeon, but I know that's not to most people's tastes.

Coed recreational sports team. Lots of them are mostly social with a little bit of sports tossed in. And almost all of them are looking for more players.

Sell the car. Move into a tiny 3br apartment with roommates in a walkable city.

Date your roommate's friends. They'll date yours.

Change roommates occasionally.

Imagine finding the perfect partner, getting married, moving in together etc.

Now that you're married and that's all settled, where do the two of you go for fun? Where do the two of you go to get out of the house?

Go there.

Best answer I've ever had for this was 'find something to support.' It can be anything. Just find a space where you have people trying to do something for the benefit of others with some bare minimum cost of entry. The group coming from people trying to help others will bias it toward nicer people. The cost of entry, even something small like $5/mo or physically present volunteering, deters anonymous trolling.

The other good option is classes. Doing things to improve your skills in something is generally worthwhile anyway, but it also puts you in contact with other people who share an interest.

The house next door is empty and up for sale. I happened to see a real estate agent and a couple in the driveway, and she waved to me, in a sort of inviting way, so I went over and helped her pitch the house a little, telling them that the previous people were really great, kept up the house nice, did lots of upgrades, the street is really friendly and meets at the neighborhood pool every morning, etc.

The wife asked if there were any musicians, and I raised my hand. She asked what instrument, I said guitar, and she pointed to her husband, and said "So does he." I said " Please buy this house!"

Yesterday, I heard the house is in escrow, and we'll have new neighbors soon. I hope it's the guitarist, I would love a guitar buddy, I literally have NOBODY to play with.

Find local polyamorous meet ups. They're usually down for new "members". You'll have a new friend group for a while with the opportunity to bang several people. And usually there are any number of breakups so you can be a shoulder to cry on, etc. Seems like a lot in retrospect.

Well, I don't live in a place like that, so there's that. Consider moving to a better city for young people for a few years.

Shared hobbies are your best bet. Either find a way to make your existing hobbies social, or get a new hobby you can do with people. 

You can also try events at your local bars or meeting people at work, but both of those have serious drawbacks. 

And if you are looking for people to date, the vast majority of options you have these days are online. You can try hooking up with strangers at a bar or meeting someone while engaging in a social activity, but statistically a tiny percentage of couple meet that way these days. 

Sounds like you need a bicycle. Not only do you increase range but you can also meet other bike people.

Meeting people is the easy part. Do this at:

Work

Hobbies and Organised Activities

Church or other Spiritual Communities

Online, both locally and long-distance.

Though after meeting people, phase two is the most difficult: actually convincing people to hang out and do stuff.

Then phase three is actually creating and maintaining the friendship, lol.

These all become exponentially harder if you need complete ideological purity from your friends and romantic partners.

Always gonna plug disc sports when threads like this pop up. Ultimate Frisbee is fun and if you live in even a minor city there's usually a rec league to join. Has the best culture of any sport IMO, full of the chilliest most accepting people who are always looking for more people to join and with rec leagues people will sometimes go out to the bar after to hang out.

Disc golf is also great for meeting people if you're not as into cardio. Can join tournaments and they'll usually pair you up with people. Or just go solo to the course and occasionally someone else will offer to let you join their round or if you're waiting with another solo at a hole you can offer to let them join you.

Both are also very cheap activities, Frisbee you just need cleats and to pay ~$50 for a rec league season. Disc golf is basically free once you get discs.

Fuck if I know. I volunteer. I joined a community choir. I am mildly social at the coffee shop. There's a local bar/restaurant with picnic table seating and the culture is you can talk with anyone you are seated by as long as you're civil. People still go to churches. There's PTAs and stuff for your kids. Just a few ideas.

meetups, conventions, conferences, concerts, bars, hobbies, etc. It might be easier for me because I live in a very populous region, but I’ve found it pretty easy to meet people. 90%+ of those people don’t end up becoming long term friends, but that’s just how it is.

Also, the easiest way to start a conversation is to ask a question. “Hey what’s that?” “What are you doing?” It takes time to get a good feel for whether or not someone is actually looking for a conversation based on their response, but it is a skill anyone can learn and there’s generally no harm in short chats with strangers in public spaces.

I’ve been wondering that too. There are always co-workers but none I really connect to. Lots of parents but now that kids are grown there’s nothing in common.

Now I’ve really gotten into cooking but my kids are in college and I have no one to cook for. I have a smoker that can ditn30+ pounds of meat or 6 racks of ribs. Who’s hungry?

Hobbies. I struggled with this after college also because I left the church and my old social life had dried up. I was conditioned to just show up and my friends would be there and the nonreligious outside world doesn't always work that way.

I would join a club or a group, preferably one with an even gender split or even a skew towards whoever you're interested in dating. I found dancing in 2006. I never would have expected to get into it and probably spent most of the 90s calling it "gay". I was tricked into going by a friend who said we were going bowling. I trusted her and she drove, so I had no escape. Many dances are "social" dances which means anyone can ask anyone to dance and you aren't expected to bring a partner, most people don't. I kept doing it and eventually started going without my friends. 20 years later, I have been in charge of running dances, I've been on the committee of large events, I've made some money teaching lessons, but most importantly of all, I've collected a circle of awesome supportive people, some acquaintances, some friends, and a handful that I've dated. Don't go in with the intention of dating though because it counter intuitively guarantees you won't find a date. Instead, just have fun. Ask the people who aren't getting asked to dance, make friends, enjoy the music, etc. People notice when someone is capable of having fun on their own and they want to be a part of that. They appreciate someone who will dance with the sweet little old lady who shows up every week and not just the 10/10 blonde with the double D's. My goal was always to dance with every woman in the room once, then go back for seconds with the people I most enjoyed dancing with. It can cost a few bucks to get in, but almost all of them will let you in free if you volunteer for a half hour to collect admissions or help set up/ tear down. It's harder for guys (if you dance the lead role) to get started, but don't be discouraged because we're outnumbered and always in demand.

Biking is another good activity to meet people. You can join a club in many cities for a few bucks and they'll basically send upcoming rides to your inbox all year round. If you're not exercise inclined, there are also PEV (personal electric vehicle) rides in many cities that give you all of the fun and exploration with only a fraction of the workout.

Other good ideas: Frisbee golf league, ultimate Frisbee, hot springing (hot spring hippies are cool and very welcoming), poetry slams, board game parlours (these seem to be popping up everywhere) etc.

Become a regular at the third space of your choice. Like minded people that attend the same things repeatedly tend to click.

I met my eventual spouse an art gallery opening. Amazing how certain settings filter out the detritus of society.

I don't. Been single for almost 10 years now. Tried online dating for 8 of those 10 years with absolutely no luck. Made things worse by renting a garage "apartment" so I could live closer to my job which is way out in old rich people land...

So I just gave up and accepted that I'll be single living in someone else's garage/basement until I decide I've had enough and walk deep into the woods somewhere to "flip the off switch" as it were.

The internet and being willing to move cross country

You simply don't—you die alone.

Enjoy. 👌

Meet people: hobby or spiritual community are the two big ones most people meet a partner at. Look up cheap hobbies in particular something like a walking club.

Cheap places to take a girl:

• fish around in conversations for her favorite food. Pick the prettiest spot within walking distance. Pick somewhere out of the way but visible to passerby like the edge of a park. Check the calendar for favorable weather. Bring a blanket, that favorite food, and anything needed to make the environment comfy like an umbrella.

• if it's just not the time of year for favorable weather book a library or community center presentation room and in addition to food fish around in convos for a favorite movie. Still bring a large blanket and push the tables and wheely chairs out of the way.

Any partner who finds effort over cash undesirable is just not a good fit for your life right now.

Dating apps. They suck, but there's a lot you can do (without paying money) to improve your odds.

Go to meetups. They exist for hobbies (board games, running, bird watching) and regions (North Brooklyn hangout). Don't go cruising but go for the thing and meet people.

Join a rec sport league. There's a bunch of soccer ones here.

If you live somewhere shitty, you're going to have a worse time. I live in a big city so there's a lot of people doing stuff. If I lived out in the sticks, there might be a dozen people of my desired age and gender(s) total.

Play pinball

"Hi, my name is.."

Admittedly, most of my friends are made at work, however it's not impossible to meet people in other places. It really just boils down to going places other people are, smiling, and saying "Hello" or "Cool " to a lot of people. If you're at a store and see someone struggling to load their car or truck, ask if you can give them a hand.

Probably will go no further than that most of the time, however, it might just make their day. Which they will remember. Might have been the first compliment they've gotten in a while. Might have been the first time anyone has offered to help them without asking anything in return.

Ever now and then, though, you'll find yourself with a new friend with a common interest. Probably just for the moment, but if you see them again, say "hi" again. If you've got something you think is cool that they might also find interesting, perhaps show it off.

And remember their name. It can help to work it into the conversation. Seriously, Bonje. People like hearing their own name in friendly contexts.

Relationships are really just a longer term version of this with people you already have met.

If this sounds a bit like sales, you ain't half wrong. What you are selling is you. The payment you are asking for their time, their attention.

Don't be pushy. Accept no as an answer. But say "hello" to everyone.

You talk to them.

It's that simple. But you have to do it. They aren't going to talk to you. Especially if you are a single male.

Since you're here I'll assume you're a nerd and suggest getting into Magic:the Gathering. You can learn to play on Arena for free and then buy a pre-made commander deck. At that point you can go to local game stores and ask when they have open play nights. The nice thing about magic is that the games take a long time to play so there're a lot of opportunities to socialize with the people you play with and people nearby. Similarly if you can find an active Killer Queen cabinet around you those people are always desperate for players and it's super fun

If you're less of a nerd dance classes are more active and likewise force you to be in an intimate space with someone which will usually force you to socialize. You seem opposed to bars but karaoke crowds tend to be the same week after week, and you have to wait your turn, so it's another socialization venue

Hobbies. Groups. Bars/clubs. Anything that fosters community. Find somewhere that cultivates a shared interest and engage with others, they aren't necessarily going to come to you

I spent a good few hours every day on a dating site, making sure to really read through profiles and think of something interesting and engaging to talk about. I might've just been lucky, but I got a good amount of responses despite my less-than-ideal looks. Found one girl I clicked with, and 9 years later she's now my wife.

good question, it’s not been going well for me

I met my wife online fifteen years ago. No idea how folks do it these days.

I met my fiancee on bumble.

I really only meet people through work.

And most all of my rare social events are with friends I've had for 30 years.

I can only answer this based on what I did.

After college I joined the Army. it is easier to meet people in the Army than it is in college. The army was wild. The days last forever but the weeks go by quick. In the army it is not uncommon to meet someone and by the end of the day they are the best friend you ever had and two weeks later you don’t see them again.

After the Army I settled in a suburban area started working a civilian job and raised my family. I met my best friend as he lived two doors down from us and his two kids were one year younger and one year older than my kid, so we were the two dads watching over the kids in the neighborhood.

From there we started lifting weights together, taking our families to football games and having cookouts together. We also had other families in the neighborhood come and go.

I also made friends through work. I worked in IT so it was a fun job and the people I worked with were great.

The most important thing is proximity.

Church

Don't ask old people.

Don't bother. Most people suck anyway.