Vampires are lame as hell

9 days ago by I_Has_A_Hat to c/unpopularopinion

If a story, game, show, or movie contains vampires, I am immediately bored and will suspect the creator of being uncreative. Vampires are not cool. They have never been cool. The are the most overdone "monsters" in any form of media. And they are almost always the same; people with the mannerisms from 1800's England or France and the dress sense of a 2005 Hot Topic. Why not ancient Babylon? Why not South American vampires? Why are their personalities always the fucking same? Why are they always so fucking formal? Why always the 1800's; this one bugs me the most because the media often claims that Vampires are thousands of years old, so supposedly they kept up with the times until the 1800's and then just stopped. It's because writers who use them are lazy and uncreative.

"Oh it's a metaphor for the duality of man and how there are secretly monsters living among-" shut the fuck up. Use a different metaphor if it's that important to your story. But it never is. That's never important to the story because they are always just so fucking lame. Always the same powers. Always the same weaknesses. They have been done to hell and back.

Use. A different. Monster.

TastehWaffleZ 52 points 9 days ago

Someone hasn’t watched What We Do In The Shadows and it shows

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Palerider 21 points 9 days ago

Or Blade...

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Eldritch 7 points 8 days ago

Which?

Trick question. They were both excellent.

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Palerider 1 point 9 days ago

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EpeeGnome 45 points 9 days ago

All y'all suggesting various vampire stories that won't annoy OP because they address the listed critisms are wasting your time. OP is already pre-annoyed by the whole concept and won't enjoy those suggestions whether they fall within the critique or not. The only exception might be What We Do In The Shadows, because it lampoons vampire fiction so well, including the things OP points out. For anyone giving that a try, start with the original movie before watching the show.

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I_Has_A_Hat 8 points 8 days ago

Thank you for your understanding. And yes, I enjoyed WWDITS for exactly those reasons. It is a parody of vampires, and parodies are often cathartic for those who hate the thing being parodied because it highlights all the absurd tropes that may have become grating.

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Diddlydee 41 points 9 days ago

Because the ones you're thinking of, mostly older examples, are based around Bram Stoker's novel or in the Hammer Horror vein.

There are, however, many more examples than I can think of which aren't like that at all. 30 days of night, the satanic rites of dracula, from dusk til dawn, Byzantium, blade, near dark, night watch, day watch, blood red sky, daybreakers, the last voyage of the demeter, cronos, Dracula untold.

Whether you like it or not, vampires are sexy, scary, mysterious, and a quality monster.

If we're going to stop something, I'd like less of the done-to-death superhero movies. Now they're trite.

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I_Has_A_Hat -40 points 9 days ago

Oh they're different? Do they still have pointed teeth and go "Hiss!"? Hmm, not very different then, are they?

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Beacon 33 points 9 days ago

You just sunk your whole argument. You had a potential point in your original post because you were talking about character traits and backstory inconsistencies, but now you're talking about fundamental biology. It's like saying "does a human character still have hair, feed young with milk, and have a 4-chambered heart? Hmm, not very different than any other human character now are they."

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I_Has_A_Hat -17 points 8 days ago

What if every time you saw a regular human in a conflict in media, they did a New Zealand haka? At a certain point wouldn't you be like, "why is that the default? What purpose does that serve?"

And you are completely missing the point. The argument isn't "why do all vampires act the same?" it's "Why use vampires at all?". They are a LAME monster. They are overdone. Everyone in this thread giving suggestions "oh but in THIS media they are slightly diff-" I DONT CARE! THEY ARE STILL VAMPIRES! THE LAMEST, MOST OVERDONE MONSTERS IN ALL OF MEDIA!

I don't CARE if they are slightly different because, to me, the concept as a whole is tired and overplayed. Do they have sharp teeth? Do they go "Hiss!" while showing their sharp teeth? Yes? Ok then what you have there is a type of vampire!

Fuck! Are you kidding? Do you really not get that? It's like if you say you don't like pizza and then get flooded with people going "Oh but have you tried THIS topping, or THIS style?" and then they get upset and make asinine claims like "You just sunk your whole argument" when you point out that all of that is fucking moot because all of their examples ARE STILL FUCKING PIZZA!

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BiteSizedZeitGeist 11 points 8 days ago

Well, if someone gave you a stale tortilla smothered in ketchup and called it pizza, sure, you'd hate pizza.

My favorite vampire depictions are:

When they straddle the line between sex and violence, representing the dark and frightening Freudian id or Jungian shadow of the human experience. The beast that wants to fuck and kill, the wolf in sheep's clothing, with only the thin veneer of fancy clothes and quick wit between humanity and depravity.

Or, when the vampire is a metaphor for the exploitative, imperialistic, capitalistic power structures that dominate everyone one of our lives. The elite few who seem to be a different species, but somehow have the world on puppet strings. Those mysterious figures who lurk in the halls of power, charming us and manipulating us and herding us like cattle, ready to be consumed.

Any trope can become a cliche, like you point out, but they become tropes for a reason. I won't fight you for your preferences and opinions, but be careful of broad statements.

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wonderingwanderer 4 points 8 days ago

That's, like, your opinion, man...

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Simon_Shitewood 4 points 8 days ago

You're the one who complained about specific aspects of vampire media instead of vampires in general.
To use your pizza comparison, it's like saying you don't like pizza because it has pepperoni on, then screaming that everything about pizza is the problem when someone suggests you have a non-pepperoni pizza. You don't care about the settings, or the mannerisms, or the metaphors, you just hate vampires.

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Vinylraupe 3 points 7 days ago

That means you could maybe invent some kind of vampire that you like. Without the mentioned traits that bug you.

Maybe just a pale dude that sleeps alot idk...

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warm 25 points 9 days ago

A vampire is still a vampire at the core. They can be different in all other ways. Same with literally anything.

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Dasus 12 points 8 days ago

By that definition pretty much all monsters and even regular baddies are vampires as opening your mouth to show teeth and going "GAAAARRHHHGGGSSS" or smth is pretty universal.

Is Anaconda a vampire? Godzilla? Hulk? Alien?

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Diddlydee 12 points 8 days ago

Why don't you just get rid of monsters, if they're all just scary things that aren't human? They're all the same.

You both moved the goalposts and made a weaker point.

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zero_spelled_with_an_ecks 8 points 9 days ago

The ones in Near Dark are more like junkies than barely have their shit together. Any hissing comes from the noises of the semi truck the protagonist used to run down one of them.

Seems like you're moving the goal post with this comment (from how they act/are used to their definition), which isn't great conversation or rhetoric. On the other hand, I get where you're coming from. I felt the same way about zombies back when everybody had their zombie apocalypse plan, discussed fast vs slow zombies, and there were so many movies, TV shows, games, etc. It all felt so lazy.

What do you think other people get out of it? A friend of mine had a view on zombies that was basically: you get to shoot people and not feel bad about it. You get to be clever without ever having your plan tested. You get to feel better than everybody else because surely you'd rise to the occasion unlike those millions of idiots that got bitten.

So what do you think others get out of vampires? Why's it a turn off for you? What could you change to make them palatable to you? I'm guessing it goes a little deeper than just originality and it might be an interesting way to learn more about yourself, your values, and how that relates to the world beyond the screen.

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Ziglin 6 points 8 days ago

That's my cat!

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AwesomeLowlander 25 points 8 days ago

There are so many vampire stories that don't suffer from these problems. It just means you are unfamiliar with the genre.

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queermunist 20 points 9 days ago

Why not South American vampires?

Oh! Masks of Nyarlethotep features Kharisiri, Peruvian vampires that harvest fat from their victims. In the story they're servants of El Padre de los Gusanos (The Father of Worms) and are feeding fat from their victims to their god under his pyramid tomb. They're actually what remains of the Conquistadors that desecrated the tomb and broke the seal, releasing the god into our world.

So, yeah, there's so much more to vampires than the same old regurgitated blood suckers they keep forcing down our throats.

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square 1 point 8 days ago

That sounds like a Pishtaco from Andean folklore.

Totally off the point of the thread but I only know about pishtacos because I just read a couple books by Richard K. Morgan (the Altered Carbon guy), Thirteen and Thin Air, which are sci-fi with a bunch of Andean culture and folklore which I had never run across before. The reason for all the Andean stuff is the first space elevator was built down there (needs to be at the equator) and because of this many of the workers, including Mars colonists without special skills, are from the Altiplano. So on Mars, even hundreds of years later, that culture is very prevalent, including having Quechua as a major language. And because of all the money flowing through the region local Quechua speaking organized crime families get very powerful. Lots of fun (made-up, I assume) local expressions in the books like "Pachamama's tits!" and "Fucked by Supay's cock".

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Andonyx 20 points 9 days ago

Counterpoint:

Sinners

Witcher 3, Blood and Wine

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moonlight 4 points 8 days ago

Also Blindsight

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RecursiveParadox 2 points 8 days ago

Came here to say this. Completely orthogonal to the vampire troops OP mentions.

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Zephorah 4 points 9 days ago

Witcher 3 is allowed. The context works.

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Andonyx 1 point 8 days ago

I'm not sure I follow. Why does Sinners not work. They're vampires in semi-rural US that were created by the European ones. It's an example of os something OP said they never see.

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Zephorah 1 point 8 days ago

No idea what sinners is, so I couldnt include it. But the Witcher universe? That’s everything that goes bump in the night.

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ThirdConsul -1 points 8 days ago

No, the actual vampire the story was about was an Irish fuck. The others were molded after that classic image.

The only interesting part of Sinners (in the context of OPs post) were Native Americans hunting it.

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Kaesekalup 16 points 8 days ago

OP is a vampire ;)

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DudeImMacGyver 15 points 8 days ago

What We Do in the Shadows? Not cool per se, but funny.

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tunetardis 14 points 9 days ago

I can't remember who said this, but the quote that vampires are the aristocracy of the undead while zombies are the working class always stuck with me.

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raspberriesareyummy 13 points 8 days ago

Erm. From dusk till dawn? Blade? Underworld?

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I_Has_A_Hat -8 points 8 days ago

Laaaaame

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raspberriesareyummy 12 points 8 days ago

You're free to dislike them, but you everything you complained about does NOT apply to those.

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I_Has_A_Hat -13 points 8 days ago

Do they contain vampires? Oh, they do? Hmm, sounds like my main, original complaint is still valid.

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Shanmugha 13 points 8 days ago

Someone didn't see Blade movies, I guess

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I_Has_A_Hat -7 points 8 days ago

I did. Still features vampires. Still lame.

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Shanmugha 6 points 8 days ago

It also features - oh damn - humans. So boring and lame, dude

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I_Has_A_Hat 0 points 7 days ago

Yea, featuring humans is definitely exactly the same as featuring an overused supernatural creature that doesn't exist in real life. You are so smart!

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Shanmugha 1 point 7 days ago

They always communicate with words and always breathe air. That's overused supernatural creature

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hakase 9 points 9 days ago

Me, but for zombies.

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Krudler 1 point 8 days ago

And the crazy thing is... The whole entire thing was long over, a dead horse, and wrung out just as a huge popularity wave hit, which is weird to say.

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imetators 9 points 8 days ago

Upvoted for truly an unpopular opinion.

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one_old_coder 8 points 9 days ago

Maybe unpopular, but I agree. Vampires are boring old goths with the same representation in every movie or game.

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some_weirdo 8 points 9 days ago

Feel the same about zombies

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shittydwarf 8 points 9 days ago

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I_Has_A_Hat 3 points 9 days ago

Whenever I bring this up, people think I'm talking about Twilight. And while, yes, they are included in my hatred, they are only a drop in an ocean of overuse. They were lame before Twilight. They are lame in Twilight. They have been lame after Twilight.

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brian 7 points 9 days ago

but doesn't the twilight implementation sorta give you a bunch of counter points from your original argument?

like sure some of them are formal, but it's definitely not solely the 1800s aesthetic you had an issue with.

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I_Has_A_Hat -2 points 8 days ago

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brian 5 points 8 days ago

sure some are formal

yeah. that would be some. now compare those three to the rest of the cast

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RougeEric 8 points 9 days ago

I would recommend watching:

Only Lovers Left Alive (Jim Jarmusch)
Vampire humaniste cherche suicidaire consentant (Ariane Louis-Seize)

And What We Do In The Shadows, as others pointed out.

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goldenbug 4 points 9 days ago

And 'Låt den rätte komma in' but the Swedish original version!

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goldenbug 7 points 9 days ago

Boooooo

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moonlight 7 points 8 days ago

no, that's ghosts.

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goldenbug 2 points 6 days ago

Hisssssssss

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marzhall 6 points 8 days ago

The scifi book Blindsight uses them in a way you may find interesting (they're just a fork of humanity like the species of fireflies that attract mates only to eat them by who died out due to a genetic fluke, brought back by modern science for their intelligence traits), and that's only a small part of a biologist writing a very "mates ya think" novel exploring consciousness.

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topherclay 3 points 8 days ago

Pretty good book but you left out a letter in the title.

Blindsight

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Glytch 2 points 7 days ago

Blindsight is fucking terrible and the vampire captain is only part of the problem with it. It was billed as being hard sci-fi then has fucking vampires in it? An evolutionary offshoot that somehow developed an neurological reaction to right angles? Fucking stupid. Then it's also filled with some really fucked up opinions about neuro divergence and has a very dissatisfying non-ending.

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Brkdncr 6 points 9 days ago

The author Peter Watts had a vampire in one of his books that was great: hibernation periods, true multi tasking brain, evolution based explanation on how they exist.

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Stefan_S_from_H 6 points 9 days ago

Some are different.

Movies:

Near Dark
Lifeforce

Shows:

The Strain

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Shellbeach 14 points 9 days ago

Let the right one in - swedish edition

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goldenbug 3 points 9 days ago

Yeeeees. This is a perfect vampire movie.

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Maestro 3 points 8 days ago

Also: Midnight Mass

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HobbitFoot 6 points 9 days ago

Eh, I feel like Zombies had a big run at one point.

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pseudo 5 points 8 days ago

I disagree.
Vampire is an interesting monster but very popular. Which makes it in a specific fiction easily classic and boring or badly written.

There is examples of well written classic vampire story. The most famous being Dracula from Bram Stocker which is not only interesting as the first of a kind but hold as a very good story.
There is examples of interesting twist on the classic vampire which are nice as any good remake is. For example, the energy vampires in What We Do in the Shadows.

That being said, you don't need to enjoy any of it. Tastes are subjective.

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Adderbox76 4 points 7 days ago

I'd go a step farther and say it's time to come up with an entirely new type of monster.

I don't mean "villain" like a Candyman, or a Jeeper's Creepers, or a Terrifier, or something like that. People make up new ones of those all the time.

I mean an entire new class of monster. Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, etc... Where are the classes of monsters that represent our modern sensibilities?

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Kolanaki 5 points 7 days ago

SCP writers are constantly inventing new monsters.

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spittingimage 3 points 7 days ago

Doctor Who's Cybermen do it for me. People reduced to nameless, faceless automatons, suffering internally while compelled by their situation to do the same to others.

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ThunderQueen 2 points 7 days ago

:c rip rory

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CaptainHowdy 1 point 7 days ago

Billionaires

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ThomasWilliams 4 points 8 days ago

Doesn't make any sense. If getting bit by a vampire makes you immortal why is it a problem ?

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Shanmugha 4 points 8 days ago

Immortal, but not invincible, plus sun becomes lethal, plus the fucking thirst. Even I would spend quite some time weighing all things

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Leviathan 4 points 8 days ago

More werewolves. Equally overdone but I just think they're neat.

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RedAggroBest 3 points 9 days ago

I can never tell if I'm just more in to horror or what because I can't remember the last time I saw a stereotype of a vampire before the new Interview.

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Zephorah 3 points 9 days ago

I enjoyed some of the graphic novel style writing back when it was new. But, the book market saturated quickly and no one knew how to create an ending for their series.

I’m tired of it and won’t read it either. I think I read my last vampire book in 2009? ish and it was a did not finish. I’m also sick to death of fey. Sultry fairy crap is in every fantasy novel recommendation. These genre hooks need to be parsed out better, so the sultry paranormal crap stays in a separate lane. I’m sick of pointy ears. Surely people have ideas that expand beyond fey crap and pointy ears.

I was looking for a book involving rogues or assassins. I thought I found one. Instead, the lead turns out to be fey.

Vampires and fey both are way overdone.

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groot 1 point 9 days ago

@Zephorah @I_Has_A_Hat When it was new?

I've not read a graphic novel this millennium.

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Fredselfish 2 points 8 days ago

Supernatural started doing that later in the seasons and annoyed the fuck out of me. I 100% agree.

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Spacehooks 2 points 8 days ago

Just to put different stories out.

In Trinity blood is post post apocalypse. some vampires were engineers building advance tech rebuilding what was lost. Even had ways to blanket the skies with anti UV clouds letting in sunlight without burning up. Plus didnt have the woe is me mentality. Vampires couldn't even eat ppl in the new terran empire cause they are all property of their vampire empress.

Day breakers was pretty dumb scifi but vampires were the main population and needed to resolve the blood issue with dwindling good source.

Penny dreadful vampires are from ancient times but story set in england 1800s lol. Loved the show but ending was rushed due to cancelation.

There are also other stories that deviate/are based on vampires tropes in anime. like Ragna crimson where the "dragons" are effectively vampire covens with queens and gods that hunt a kingdom to extinction because someone's Cafe shutdown there.

Point is there is plenty of ways vampire stories evolved over time in media. its just popular western media that is letting us down.

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Corkyskog 3 points 8 days ago

Some authors are just trying to sell books, vampires sell.

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Spacehooks 3 points 8 days ago

Lol true story. just look at the success of twilight or Anne Rice books.

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Nytefyre 1 point 5 days ago

I prefer vampires over zombies.

Zombies are really one-trick ponies. Their stories are redundant whereas with vampires, you could go anywhere with them.

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Formfiller 1 point 8 days ago

Lost boys is a classic

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Jayjader 1 point 8 days ago

I like vampire stories that use them to explore addiction dynamics. The one that stood out to me was the "Joe Pitt Casebooks" - very gritty, set in Manhattan with not a victorian accent in sight. Standouts for me included a monastic sect that spend their time fasting and meditating in the belief they can train away their need for blood, and sunlight not burning but causing essentially instant cancerous tumor growth. Also, the "monsters living among us" is more of the Epstein variety than every single vampire being a literal monster.

There is emo but it's more of a "I can't stop fucking up my life" kind of emo than "woe is me sob sob cry" emo.

I suspect this won't be enough of a departure from what you complain about to be palatable.

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RecursiveParadox 1 point 8 days ago

As others have said, Blindsight by Peter Watts is 100% orthogonal to all the vampire tropes you mention.

Give this (very) satiric pharma / biotech "powerpoint" presentation about his vampires a try: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEOUaJW05bU&t=1s

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TropicalDingdong 1 point 9 days ago

Brittany Spears era vampire sporting a whale tail and a white tank top could help resolve this.

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plutopos 1 point 8 days ago

Why not South American vampires?

Castlevania Nocturne

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Ziglin 1 point 8 days ago

I understand and mostly agree. But especially in shorter stories or short subplots I think they can still be interesting and importantly don't need much introduction.

I also think a vampire can be made more interesting by having their vampirism be more nuanced and combined with other character traits.

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Wataba 1 point 8 days ago

House of Ashes started out in Mesopotamia, and honestly I wish the entire game was set in that era rather than moving to the Iraq War.

Watching an ancient civilization try to stand against a massive horde of space vampires would've been incredible. And I daresay that could lend itself to your criticism of the very Euro-centric nature of most vampires stories.

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choihanna 0 points 8 days ago

I like Vampires because they're hot, not because they're a monster. I think that's why you might not like most vampire media, because it's catering to a public that finds them hot and appealing.

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leftzero 0 points 8 days ago

Seriously. Just empty a bag of rice on the ground in front of a vampire and then tell me how cool and terrifying it is.

Do it inside of your door without inviting it in for extra measure, so the damn thing has to try to count the grains without coming in, and It'll be stuck there until the sun comes out and it burns to ash.

path: 0 24262501, hotness: undefined, score: 0, children: 0

Sxan -3 points 9 days ago

path: 0 24254015, hotness: undefined, score: -3, children: 0

tomiant -3 points 8 days ago

Dragons.

And magic.

Biggest fukn deus ex machina bullshit ever.

If you're into dragons and magic then I assume you're intellectually and or emotionally immature. They're cheap gimmicks for children.

path: 0 24266747, hotness: undefined, score: -3, children: 0

unpopularopinion

unpopularopinion

@lemmy.world

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Welcome to the Unpopular Opinion community!

How voting works:

Vote the opposite of the norm.

If you agree that the opinion is unpopular give it an arrow up. If it's something that's widely accepted, give it an arrow down.

Guidelines:

Tag your post, if possible (not required)

If your post is a "General" unpopular opinion, start the subject with [GENERAL].
If it is a Lemmy-specific unpopular opinion, start it with [LEMMY].

Rules:

1. NO POLITICS

Politics is everywhere. Let's make this about [general] and [lemmy] - specific topics, and keep politics out of it.

2. Be civil.

Disagreements happen, but that doesn’t provide the right to personally attack others. No racism/sexism/bigotry. Please also refrain from gatekeeping others' opinions.

3. No bots, spam or self-promotion.

Only approved bots, which follow the guidelines for bots set by the instance, are allowed.

4. Shitposts and memes are allowed but...

Only until they prove to be a problem. They can and will be removed at moderator discretion.

5. No trolling.

This shouldn't need an explanation. If your post or comment is made just to get a rise with no real value, it will be removed. You do this too often, you will get a vacation to touch grass, away from this community for 1 or more days. Repeat offenses will result in a perma-ban.

6. Defend your opinion

This is a bit of a mix of rules 4 and 5 to help foster higher quality posts. You are expected to defend your unpopular opinion in the post body. We don't expect a whole manifesto (please, no manifestos), but you should at least provide some details as to why you hold the position you do.

Instance-wide rules always apply. https://legal.lemmy.world/tos/

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unpopularopinion

unpopularopinion

@lemmy.world

login for more options

Welcome to the Unpopular Opinion community!

How voting works:

Vote the opposite of the norm.

If you agree that the opinion is unpopular give it an arrow up. If it's something that's widely accepted, give it an arrow down.

Guidelines:

Tag your post, if possible (not required)

If your post is a "General" unpopular opinion, start the subject with [GENERAL].
If it is a Lemmy-specific unpopular opinion, start it with [LEMMY].

Rules:

1. NO POLITICS

Politics is everywhere. Let's make this about [general] and [lemmy] - specific topics, and keep politics out of it.

2. Be civil.

Disagreements happen, but that doesn’t provide the right to personally attack others. No racism/sexism/bigotry. Please also refrain from gatekeeping others' opinions.

3. No bots, spam or self-promotion.

Only approved bots, which follow the guidelines for bots set by the instance, are allowed.

4. Shitposts and memes are allowed but...

Only until they prove to be a problem. They can and will be removed at moderator discretion.

5. No trolling.

This shouldn't need an explanation. If your post or comment is made just to get a rise with no real value, it will be removed. You do this too often, you will get a vacation to touch grass, away from this community for 1 or more days. Repeat offenses will result in a perma-ban.

6. Defend your opinion

This is a bit of a mix of rules 4 and 5 to help foster higher quality posts. You are expected to defend your unpopular opinion in the post body. We don't expect a whole manifesto (please, no manifestos), but you should at least provide some details as to why you hold the position you do.

Instance-wide rules always apply. https://legal.lemmy.world/tos/

go to feed...