am the world's greatest kindergarten teacher

Can revive the dead

save kittens from trees

Can reproduce

You can give moving public speeches

become immensely popular as a male role model

You can captivate the attention of any child. You're a comedian or magician that would absolutely kill it at any children's birthday party. You would be a fantastic teacher as you can hold the wrapped attention of even the most tiktok-corrupted teen.

Except, there's just one small problem...

Pee.

Your super power is that you can transform into an afab woman, once.

It hurts extremely because your whole body is physically altered.

You shift by magically turning yourself inside out ass first

Your clothes are not transformed with you

Your brain shape shifts as well into an exact copy of the animal you mimic. You have the intelligence of the creature you turn into. Which means a one way trip as any coherent logical human thoughts is driven out by animal instincts.

Your weight also change, but the difference is converted to energy using mass–energy equivalence formula.

But comes with body dysmorphic disorder. You’ll never be satisfied with how you look.

Granted, but you can never turn back

You can only shapeshift into smaller versions of yourself.

you shapeshift, but your state and society will periodically and randomly remind you, that they know, what shape you had earlier ... wait, that does already exist. still superpower tho!

You can only shift into a species that you've seen before. Can only shape shift into living things (not sentient and mobile inanimate objects)

And you can never return to any species you were previously. It has to be a new one every time until you exhaust the possible species. Leaving you stuck as the last possible species you pick to shape shift into.

You can't actually become anything unique, the body approximately closest to your imagination becomes yours. They also, become you in turn. You immediately become a world wide sensation if used frequently.

You forget what you like if you are changed for too long and don't have a detailed enough reference

Your telomeres become damaged every time you use the ability

You can also become invisible

You are also able to end all wars

It's Cheez-Whiz

It lags out reality because every time you make cheese, it spawns a dozen above you, and reality just never expected this to happen. Also it's always comically large Raclette

It's all kraft singles

You're lactose intolerant

You now lactate and secrete rennet. Making it possible for you to harvest the ingredients and make cheese at will.

As word of your power spreads across the world, you become a god to cows by providing means to an end to the rape and exslavement of their species.

The combined belief of billions of cows grants you accesss to the physical and mental powers of cows. If you work to free them, you will become more powerful. And if you don't, you will be cursed to live out the rest of your days in an abattoir, where the hopes and dreams of cows go to die.

Either way, the dairy lobbies aren't happy and assassins are after you.

Severe lactose intolerance.

Every time you do it, you land on a poop

Granted, but your momentum is teleported with you. The earth is hurtling through space at over 100,000 km and you are on its -spinning- surface subjected to multiple momentum influences constantly.

Keep it to short distances and you might be ok, but with distance comes chaos.

Your accuracy is +/- 3 light years.

You have to have been there first within 24hrs to teleport there

The Fly - 1986

You can't control the destination.

The event alone causes an explosion, killing anything 50 meters to you, damaging anything 100 meters from you, temporarily disabled any electrical thing two kilometres from you, but you won't be affected by any of this.

Anywhere you haven't been is an imaginary place

"The Stars My Destination" by Alfred Bester. Considered one of the all time best science fiction novels. Everyone can teleport just by thinking about it.

You can materialize matter out of thin air.

You fart continuously while using it.

There's an episode of Justice League where Superman goes at it with Darkseid. Supes says that he always has to be careful and that the whole world is like cardboard to him, so this is the first time he can really let go.

So, you can't pick up a coffee cup or touch anyone without worrying about destroying something.

Also, you aren't invulnerable so if you punch a wall you'll still break your hands.

The minimum force you can output is now around 500 Newtons

It's extremely difficult to control - even grazing an object the wrong way with your finger can end up breaking it into pieces. Giving someone a hug can easily end with you covered in blood from the person you just split in two.

Your muscles don't gain super durability however.

It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information

When you read someone's mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.

You're extra sensitive to reading the minds of non-human animals and can't turn it off. All the time. Forever.

You can't turn it off or filter out any thoughts and are lost in a cacophony of thoughts bombarding you every second from evey living thing. Even isolation isnt a relief as the animals and insects asail you with their primitive instinctual thoughts.

All thoughts are formatted in .docx

Whenever you do it, the fact you're reading someone's mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.

In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.

It works, but there is nothing to read. Enjoy your solipsism!

Always. You can never not be reading the minds of everyone around you.

Everyone secretly despises you.

You realize nobody thinks, that you are the only real human, and all of this is a simulation where you are alone in a virtual reality test room.

Extreme fear of heights

Achieved like bats fly. Your arms and fingers have been transformed into wings.

You are now the sexiest thing alive to birds, so they will constantly hit on you.

you lose all leg strength

Only at the speed of walking.

You can't walk

Flying has its own built-in side effects.

Every time you take off, there's a pretty good chance that people nearby will notice. The government will want to study someone who has the ability to fly, so they'll start surveiling the area. Within a short time they'll figure out who you are, and you'll be captured and eventually dissected.

And, that's assuming your flight superpower comes with the ability to breathe at high altitudes, the ability to resist the cold you'd be exposed to by flying, the ability to see while flying without having your eyes dry out, etc.

You’re now a city pigeon.

You can't do it unless you're wearing revealing bondage gear and a ball gag. Your kinks become the story instead of your superpower.

You get struck by lightning

You can only make things worse

You need to amass one kilogram of your own feces in a ceremonial bag for the power to take effect.

Applies only to non terrestrial events

The probability of gaining or losing a genetic trait in your body also changes based on the probability change you make

You can only make small changes, and it doesn't always work. So, you don't actually know if you have the power or if something slightly improbable happened.

You go forward in time to a point where the changes no longer matter.

the bullets fire whether your sphincter is open or not

Every time you sneeze you ruin a perfectly good pair of pants/underwear.

You can also solve world hunger

You're full of gunpowder

Nutsack strays

It doesn't turn off, you have to manually burn oxygen molecules with every cell constantly to live

You get burnt out by having to manage everything

On a whim you decide to max out your pleasure, but don't set a time limit. You lose all higher cognitive functions as you're flooded with bliss.

With no way back, you slowly starve to death, loving every moment of it.

You can't stop ejaculating

It causes an unbearable stench around you. No one will come closer than fifty meters without a total haz-mat suit with scuba.

All of them will be very rude to you

They all have the intelligence of a 3 year old and can't form coherent sentences

They're all completely horrible and you can't block them out.

I think the side effect is the power itself. Animals only care about food, sex. Most boring super power on the list. Maybe cool to talk with dolphins.

Every animal has super-covid and no vaccine can be made, so the government kills every animal

You become blind and lose your sense of taste.

Every person you revive is gender bent to the opposite sex :3

Whomever you revive has all the capabilities their physical body can manage, but they never stopped decomposing after death and they are still decomposing. You could revive a skeleton, but they wouldn't do anything given that they have no flesh or brain, so it would just lay there being calcium. The injuries that killed them would still be present and they'd be in pain from the injury and decomposition, so there's that. Better hope they weren't embalmed.

You'll get kink for necks

You become septic every time you do this

You know that you are going to hell.

At night it only sees dicks

You can see all the spiders in your walls. Bacteria and all kinds of living things coat every surface you look at and fill your intestines.

I'm not sure that a side effect would be worse than the super power.

You can see through earth itself, covering your entire vision with said outlines, unable to see any object in front of you unless it is a living being

Your morphing options only include a small child, an ant or a giant pink dildo.

You shapeshift into the exact mental image you keep in your mind at any given moment

You gain the personality of whoever you shape shift into.

Your telomeres become 2x shorter everytime you use the ability

You have a two-party political system and must respect the results of your elections.