Central Nervous Control

3 months ago by pastermil to c/microblogmemes

inari 219 points 3 months ago

LinkedIn lunatic material

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QuantumSparkles 50 points 3 months ago

Well it would have to be real and not a “lawyer meme” as well

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cannedtuna 131 points 3 months ago

From the moment I understood the weakness of my biology, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of the boot. I aspired to the purity of Corporate Governance. Your kind cling to your caffeine, as though it will not crash and fail you. One day the crude occupation you call a “job” will be laid off, and you will beg the Government to save you. But I am already saved, for profits are immortal… Even in death I serve the Shareholders.

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psilotop 15 points 3 months ago

I hate how much sense this makes. Well, I guess the original is meant to be satire in real life so whatever

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Bane_Killgrind 33 points 3 months ago

Adeptus Mechanicus from Warhammer 40000

"From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the blessed machine. Your kind cling to your flesh as if it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass that you call a temple will wither, and you'll beg my kind to save you.But I am already saved. For the machine is immortal. Even in death I serve the Omnissiah."

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dejected_warp_core 7 points 3 months ago

What's crazy is that last line sounds like mere romantic sentiment until you read up on 40k lore.

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LePoisson 4 points 3 months ago

Given that the Omnissiah is the only God I actually involve irl at times, I have to say it is a little bit of a romantic sentiment.

Knowledge is life.

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Bane_Killgrind 3 points 3 months ago

What like this quote is narrated over a lovense commercial?

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JcbAzPx 4 points 3 months ago

He's going to feel so silly once he learns the concept of rust.

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SCmSTR 4 points 3 months ago

Fuck caffeine, it's MATH TIME

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9point6 127 points 3 months ago

If this was remotely true the

Looked ashamed of his natural biology

Would 100% be the psycho misreading this:

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kerrigan778 116 points 3 months ago

You can tell this is fake because caffeine withdrawal does NOT just cause "lethargy" people would be going home with headaches and worse.

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hansolo 55 points 3 months ago

100% this. By the afternoon the first day it would be anarchy in that office. Headaches, crabby aggression, screaming, crying.

Plus, what entire office actually drinks all the same coffee from the same source?

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synapse1278 29 points 3 months ago

Plus, what entire office actually drinks all the same coffee from the same source?

If it's coffee provided by the company for free, yes they are.

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funkless_eck 8 points 3 months ago

we have a free espresso machine and two free large cafetieres and a coffee shop where you pay on the ground floor. A lot of my colleagues still go to Starbucks across the street.

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Chev 7 points 3 months ago

We have free coffee in our office. It's terrible. Only half the people drink it. Others buy their own.

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hansolo 3 points 3 months ago

Some, but certainly not all. People have their preferred coffee, out go out for the sake of going out. Free isn't an absolute determiner of human behavior.

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Smaile 9 points 3 months ago

'Plus, what entire office actually drinks all the same coffee from the same source?'

Yah that what I find the most hard to believe, especially given the writer is sipping a monster energy drink.

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Napster153 4 points 3 months ago

Me who buys cheap packets at the nearest convenience store almost every morning.

"You have no control over me! I have my own Spice! My own desert! My Arrakis! My Dune!"

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TheStaffmaster 0 points 3 months ago

Yeah, I'd consider the urge to commit homicide "worse" (and as a fresh convert, let me say, I'd NEVER get away with this comment on Reddit)

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candyman337 44 points 3 months ago

I mean, this is the reverse of unknowingly drugging someone, not sure if this is illegal or not, but it feels illegal lol

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MyVeryRealName 16 points 3 months ago

Pretty sure it's illegal

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LovableSidekick -12 points 3 months ago

Later on it says they switched back to the highest caffeine coffee available and the whole office was vibrating. To me this should be kind of a big deal, but people seem way more upset about browser cookies and public video recording.

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finalarbiter 25 points 3 months ago

I didn't realize we're only allowed to be mad at one problem. What the fuck are you talking about?

Someone actually doing this would be a problem. At the same time, ALPRs and data harvesting are absolutely also an issue.

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Axolotl_cpp 10 points 3 months ago

I am sorry if you are able to focus on a single problem at the time

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PhoenixDog 2 points 3 months ago

That's just simple conservative values. Critical thinking skills are not applicable.

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ddplf 5 points 3 months ago

true, all they care about is eat hot chip and lie

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Cassa 40 points 3 months ago

if it was true it's abuse~

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aeronmelon 26 points 3 months ago

Just like corporate governance.

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deadbeef79000 33 points 3 months ago

I remember this "prank" scribed on some BBS or web page from the early 2000's, possibly even the 90's.

Everything old is new again!

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IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds 7 points 3 months ago

read so many variants as well.

still a shitty thing to do to people

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Valmond 11 points 3 months ago

Making things up and sharing them on the internet?

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IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds 1 point 2 months ago

messing with people's consent about what they put in their bodies

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atomicbocks 33 points 3 months ago

Caffeine withdraw is no joke, that’s how you get a really bad migraine or worse.

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DasFaultier 11 points 3 months ago

Yup, can very much confirm.

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Agent641 4 points 3 months ago

Should I stop drinking caffeine? I have two in the morning(7am and 8 am) and then none for the rest of the day. Am I subjecting myself to daily caffeine withdrawal?

(I only take medical advice from random internet people btw, never LLMs or 3D doctors)

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atomicbocks 2 points 3 months ago

The withdrawal symptoms would typically start in the afternoon on a day when you missed having caffeine in the morning altogether. But it will depend on your size and metabolism as well as how much caffeine you consume in one serving and how long you have been drinking it habitually.

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vivalapivo -1 points 3 months ago

If anything, you should drink more coffee

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thedeadwalking4242 22 points 3 months ago

This is awful, but God so hilarious ( besides the weird psychopathy ) but as a senior prank or something it would go hard

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tostos 20 points 3 months ago

a coffee lover knows difference

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VitoRobles 12 points 3 months ago

I never met them in the office. The coffee drinkers in my office are just drowning their coffee in milk and sugar.

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LovableSidekick 10 points 3 months ago

Generally work coffee seems like just get me through another day of this shit medicine.

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dejected_warp_core 7 points 3 months ago

IMO, a lot of cheap office coffee isn't palatable (or nuanced enough to bother taking straight) unless you doctor it up like that.

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SCmSTR 3 points 3 months ago

Dark roast and even some medium roast tastes like fireplace ash, decaf tastes like vegetable root farts and/or chemicals.

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dejected_warp_core 4 points 3 months ago

You are not joking. One of my favorite diners served Lavazaa which was always roasted to hell in order to bring out distinct "cigarette ash" notes. Needless to say, I didn't go there for the coffee.

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JcbAzPx 4 points 3 months ago

That's the only way to get down most office coffee, and sometimes even that isn't enough.

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Jax 9 points 3 months ago

You think these people drink coffee for the flavor?

They're addicts.

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PhoenixDog 2 points 3 months ago

I drink coffee every day.

Flavour is certainly extremely important.

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Jax 1 point 3 months ago

I have never met anyone that likes coffee on the first try. I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm just saying most people acquire a taste for it the same way they do with alcohol.

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PhoenixDog 2 points 3 months ago

I mean with that last bit... I mostly enjoyed the taste of alcohol from a young age.

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MonkderVierte 18 points 3 months ago

Had he pulled it through for two weeks, the withdrawal symptoms would've worn off.

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pastermil 14 points 3 months ago

Inducing withdrawal is the whole point!

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zarkanian 5 points 3 months ago

Withdrawal only lasts a few days at most.

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DasFaultier 4 points 3 months ago

I can tell you from painful experience that two weeks is quite realistic.

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Aceticon 3 points 3 months ago

Can confirm - it takes about a week and a half to two weeks to fully get over the withdrawal symptoms.

This is from a 1 expresso a day start. Maybe it's easier or harder if starting from higher or lower coffee habits?!

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edgemaster72 2 points 3 months ago

Which is why he switched it back, didn't want them becoming comfortable without their addiction. Gotta be able to play that card again in the future.

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EldenLord 16 points 3 months ago

Noob mistake!

A professional biological terrorist knows that you need to mix decaf beans and light roast beans (high in caffeine) into the bean reservoir at 50/50, resulting in randomly varying amounts of caffeine per brewing cycle/cup of coffee.

Never let their caffeine tolerance know the next move!

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Th4tGuyII 14 points 3 months ago

The weird control kink aside, this does sound like a pretty funny office prank provided there's no really important work going on

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plyth 13 points 3 months ago

Fake, but I would love to see it happening IRL.

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Carrolade 3 points 3 months ago

The red flag for me was saying he switched the decaf for the highest caffeine roast available.

Decaf is roasted pretty dark, because the roasty flavors that creates help cover up some of the flavor destruction you get from the decaffeination process.

High caffeine roasts are light ones, though, because the roasting process itself slowly degrades the caffeine.

Thus, he's saying he replaced a bunch of dark roast decaf coffee with one of the lightest available, and nobody noticed. That'd be like swapping someone's chocolate milk for strawberry milk and them somehow not noticing. You'd even see the difference the moment you looked at the beans, because almost-black and very light brown are different colors.

Next time someone wants to share this story, say you replaced the decaf with a similar roast of regular. That will at least sound plausible to the coffee people.

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Serinus 9 points 3 months ago

While I agree with your facts, I think you overestimate what most people will notice. The hue of the coffee beans would probably slip past most people, even if significant.

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Carrolade 1 point 3 months ago

Possibly. I will admit that it's uncaffeinated people we are asking to distinguish between the two, which is worthy of consideration.

Still though, it's like looking at toast and not noticing how toasted it is. Colors are something that just stand out, a lot, unless you're pretty distracted. If we were running a single individual through the trial then sure, but multiple people? I don't like the odds.

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Lumidaub 5 points 3 months ago

People know what the colours mean for chocolate/strawberry milk and toast. Reading you explain that the espresso beans would be noticeably darker, I went "Oh yeah, makes sense". But I wouldn't question the colour of coffee beans unprompted, as long as they're bean-shaped.

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arrow74 5 points 3 months ago

It's the work coffee pot not that weird for the brew to change

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taiyang 13 points 3 months ago

It's weird to me simply because I bring my own brew. Office coffee just isn't as good as my moka pot and if you've got a zojirushi or similar high quality thermos, you can have hot coffee for a majority of the day.

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mrgoosmoos 6 points 3 months ago

you bring 2L of coffee to work with you?

I'll bring 500mL sure, but not a whole day's worth

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Bristlecone 8 points 3 months ago

Highly recommend not drinking that much coffee every day. For your heart

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mrgoosmoos 2 points 3 months ago

I make a full pot out of 2 cups worth of grounds at home lol. after I figured out my occasional weekend headaches were from caffeine withdrawal, I realized I actually had to deal with cutting back

it is a problem now when I go to the office and can actually get full strength coffee each time. at least it's very infrequent

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Appoxo 3 points 3 months ago

I drink 500ml of tea and water at work.
If you can't function without downing 3 or 4 cups of coffee, you need ro adjust something

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ayyy 3 points 3 months ago

It’s…time to make some changes in your life lol

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taiyang 3 points 3 months ago

Moka pots are a little stronger than drip so it's enough to keep me going. If something important is up, I might get a latte or something out... but I try to save that rush for important things so it still hits as intended.

Oh I should also mention I haven't worked in an office for a couple years now. Now that I teach, I go full espresso before lecture and that's it. Lol

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Appoxo 3 points 3 months ago

Meanwhile me bringing hot water to work for a fresh brew of tea right there :p

My KleanKanteen does the same. I was surprised how long it kept my drink actually hot (>12h).
PS: Mine haa no plastics touching the hot liquids. Only a replaceable silicone ring.

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Hoodoir 12 points 3 months ago

An example of the most moral corporate executive. Involuntary biology experiments on unsuspecting subordinates seems like an upgrade from what they're doing normally through the psychological torment.

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grrgyle 11 points 3 months ago

People would notice within 6 hours. Source: had this happen to me, got a raging headache despite coffee, left office to go get some

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VitoRobles 3 points 3 months ago

Yep! Decaf gives me a huge headache.

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BillyClark 9 points 3 months ago

You can see with this hidden camera footage what really happens when you replace people's coffee without their knowledge.

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Blackout 8 points 3 months ago

Next up: toilet paper allowance based on committed lines of code

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SayJess 6 points 3 months ago

Are we sure that this wasn’t written by Dwight K Schrute?

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lonefighter 4 points 3 months ago

Dwight would have been drinking beet juice, not Red Bull

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Zink 3 points 3 months ago

While whispering to himself "a warrior's energy drink"

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SayJess 2 points 3 months ago

Fair point. Wait. That is exactly something Dwight would say. Nice try.

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IAMgROOT 6 points 3 months ago

coffee does genuinely nothing to me except make me unable to sleep at night. dont get the people that are depending on it daily

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Ogy 11 points 3 months ago

A likely indicator of ADHD

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DakRalter 1 point 3 months ago

I was told that, but while I have some ADHD traits (it runs on my maternal side of the family), it's not severe enough to have a significant impact on my life. Maybe I got just enough of the genes for caffeine resistance!

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PhoenixDog 1 point 3 months ago

Meanwhile my Audhd partner drinks coffee before they go to bed.

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DakRalter 3 points 3 months ago

The guys at work used to give me energy drinks, strong coffee and caffeine gels in the hope of making me buzz.

I don't know if I've got a natural tolerance, or maybe because I eat a lot of dark chocolate I've built up a resistance. Caffeine doesn't do anything to me.

Also apparently it's not good to down a whole mug of coffee in one go. They used to find it funny when I did that. I don't like coffee but I'll drink it if you give it to me.

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QueenHawlSera 2 points 3 months ago

Coffee doesn't even do that to me, nor does any caffine. Hell I can drink a monster energy right before bed

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JamesBoeing737MAX 1 point 3 months ago

Well, many people aren't depressed, but some especially the working class and corporate workers know there is no point in their work and need stimulants to keep going and not kill themselves.

If you find fulfilling work outside of capitalist systems, you also need less stimulants.

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bitjunkie 4 points 3 months ago

So many people eating the onion in this thread, I'm getting secondhand embarrassment

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SethDove 3 points 3 months ago

I adore coffee. But how would they know the caffeine levels of the coffee? That's just not available. It's either decaf or not.

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brucethemoose 2 points 3 months ago

Light roast tends to be more caffeinated than darker roasts.

Also, different bean times have different amounts of caffeine, but I haven't tested this personally.

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LadyAutumn 3 points 3 months ago

I wonder to what extent placebo would exist here.

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imperious_melange 2 points 3 months ago

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Sam_Bass 1 point 3 months ago

pure poetry heh

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Yerbouti 1 point 3 months ago

Disco Elysium

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wonderingwanderer 0 points 3 months ago

Please tell me this is satire...

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Loreshield 4 points 3 months ago

No...! YA THINK?! COULD IT BE?

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wonderingwanderer 0 points 3 months ago

You never really know these days. I've seen plenty of shit that could've been satire except it was from people who were dead serious...

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Fedizen 0 points 3 months ago

Decaf still has a fair amount of caffeine. This is clearly fake.

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SethDove 4 points 3 months ago

Decaf has very* little caffeine.

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EldenLord 0 points 3 months ago

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Hadriscus -2 points 3 months ago

I tried coffee once, I do not recommend. I couldn't sleep for two days and was extremely anxious, could not focus on anything. Strongest chemical I've tried, bar the sleeping potion for the wisdom teeth

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Themosthighstrange 9 points 3 months ago

what are you twelve?

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Hadriscus 3 points 3 months ago

I was 23 then

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MeThisGuy 4 points 3 months ago

half the world runs on coffee, a 3rd on tea, a quarter on energy drinks, and a probably an 8th on amphetamines

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possumparty 3 points 3 months ago

sorry about your genes

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Hadriscus 1 point 3 months ago

my reaction is due to genetics ?

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leagman1 3 points 3 months ago

A reaction this strong probably is. But it's ok, don't let anyone tell you it isn't.

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fullsquare 2 points 3 months ago

it might be that one of your drug-metabolizing enzymes doesn't work properly, tell your doc, there are tests for that

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possumparty 1 point 3 months ago

your caffeine intolerance means your bloodline is weak /s

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@lemmy.world

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A place to share screenshots of Microblog posts, whether from Mastodon, tumblr, Twitter X, KBin, Threads or elsewhere.

Created as an evolution of White People Twitter and other tweet-capture subreddits.

RULES:

Your post must be a screen capture of a microblog-type post that includes the UI of the site it came from, preferably also including the avatar and username of the original poster. Including relevant comments made to the original post is encouraged.
Your post, included comments, or your title/comment should include some kind of commentary or remark on the subject of the screen capture. Your title must include at least one word relevant to your post.
You are encouraged to provide a link back to the source of your screen capture in the body of your post.
Current politics and news are allowed, but discouraged. There MUST be some kind of human commentary/reaction included (either by the original poster or you). Just news articles or headlines will be deleted.
Doctored posts/images and AI are allowed, but discouraged. You MUST indicate this in your post (even if you didn't originally know). If an image is found to be fabricated or edited in any way and it is not properly labeled, it will be deleted.
Absolutely no NSFL content.
Be nice. Don't take anything personally. Take political debates to the appropriate communities. Take personal disagreements & arguments to private messages.
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